Shocking! The truth about Nauru.

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Apologies for not covering the excellent iniatitive by Corey Bernardii in registering ‘Australian Conservatives’ as the shape of things to come. Corey amongst other things has a taste for literature, (we’ve been told it’s a picture book)

Dear reader, occasionally, though we like to keep these pieces lighthearted, and engaging, we cannot turn a blind eye to the odd issue that confronts our sense of fairness, compassion and transparency in the administration of justice in this country, Today we were going to talk about Corey Bernardii’s registration of the “Australian Conservatives’ as a hallmark to sensible debate on public policy. But sadly we must report on something much more confronting, which if unchecked will send a shock wave through society and confront our sense of right and wrong.

It is now absolutely certain that an entire network of establishment families on our near north western outpost, (figuratively speaking) Nauru, have been administering, servicing and renting back to the Australian government valuable space for the detention of enemy aliens without uniform. This is an ugly precedent. It confronts our sense of correctness that individuals so highly placed in our border protection network have been engaged thus without a suitable uniform. Truly shocking!


New Security Nauru Organisation Taskforce, ( SNOT) being trialled on the flightdeck of the new Immigration Reception ship, HMAS Regurgitator.

The Minister for border security, terrorism and customs, Mr Peter Dutton, when quizzed, seemed flummoxed suggesting that no one in his department had received a request as is expected in protocol between close allies for the supply, design or manufacture of uniforms. ‘This is an ugly precedent, we can only say that somehow this issue has slipped through the net. And I’m afraid to say, heads will roll in this department and we will leave no stone unturned in resolving this vexed issue’.


A PCbyCp exclusive. Our photographer snapped this image of the PM. Mr Malcolm Abbott in the physical act of extruding a “Thought Bubble”, Just prior to the full blown fulmination of an ” Ideas Boom”. Not shown due to sensitivity of readership

On hand to add further weight to the issue, the Prime Minister for Innovation, the ‘Ideas, Boom’, the ‘thought bubble’ and principles as yet undefined by the IPA, Mr Malcolm Abbott was vociferous in his determination to have a proper, and respected new uniform designed in record time. He spoke briefly with reporters outside his temporary offices at News Limited, ‘Once again this is an opportunity for Australia to stand up. We can demonstrate real continuity with change, and prove that this is an exciting time for Australia. We have the skills to design locally, and I stress that, LOCALLY, a uniform that will enable those Nauruans vested with the responsibility of maintaining our border protection outpost to have the very latest in smart uniform design. Ultimately this will demonstrate our leadership regionally in the development of long-term dynamic, innovative and impressive solutions. The fact that just a few families invested with such responsibility on our island outpost have done so and received considerable federal assistance without a proper uniform is deeply confronting. How can we expect those clients who trust and are doubtlessly impressed with our strong deliberative leadership to have faith in those institutions that make us safe, strong, democratic, and free without the accoutrements that are attendant upon the stature of those we invest with the titanic responsibility of keeping us safe’.

When asked to elaborate on why a uniformed Nauruan kleptocracy would make a wit of difference the P.M bristled, ‘What we have in Nauru is likened to a four star hotel. A four or as i’ve had some experience, a five star hotel symbolises much more than a reliable service. The staff wear uniforms as a matter of respect to their clients, and the clients, of whom there are some thousand, then enjoy the full service benefits of facilities on offer in the knowledge that they can expect a high standard of care. This demonstrates once again, our ‘can-do’ attitude, and the ‘Ideas Boom’ is an actuality, rather than as has been derisively suggested a ‘thought bubble’.

For those who would decry our human rights record, let me just say one thing; We have a uniform approach, and those who work to maintaining border security in any capacity should be proud to wear our uniform as a gesture of solidarity and respect for the principles we enshrine to care, protect and nurture, alleged enemy aliens who transgress our border protection laws. And that’s how a world class, world’s best practice democracy works to keep all of us SAFE’.

Thank God the reef is dead!! Now we can get on with the election.


The Great Barrier Reef used to look like this. This however is a photo taken whilst the author was undergoing a tooth extraction at his local dentist.

Dear reader we cannot describe the breathless sense of relief we feel, that now, with absolute certainty, we can announce that most of the Great Barrier Reef north of Cairns is completely destroyed. Up to 95 percent of it. This is the certainty that businesses need. ‘At this rate there’ll be only 1 percent left’, postulated the parliamentary secretary in charge of the Fiducial Resource Access Utility Department, (FRAUD) Mr Arthur, (‘artfully arty’ to his mates) Sinodinos. ‘Only a matter of time before the southern section is knocked off too, and then we can all get back to the serious business of developing this country. Our friends in the Minerals and Energy Council are delighted, and so are we. There’s quite a bit of coal in Queensland that is under-utilised. This can change. There’ll be no micro organisms standing in the way of big business. And with the death of the entire eco system in Kakadu, and imminent melt down of most biota by the end of the decade, Australia can well and truly stand proud and say without contradiction; ‘We are open for business’.

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Coral bleaching. ‘Quite nice as it’s very pristine and what’s good for the home is good for the reef’ ( Mr. A Nal Kleen, CEO Harpic Industries)

In recognition of the complete erasure of biota the P.M Mr. Malcolm Abbott, was on hand to announce; ‘this is really an exciting time for Australia, as the reef death is the best prima facie example of continuity and change. And with the reef gone, we’re hoping for a big push from real estate to open up the near north’. The newly appointed Minister for Physical Utilities Sustainable Technologies Universities, Learning and Environment, (PUSTULE) George Christiansen, concurred; ‘We’ve destroyed safer schools and it is with some confidence I can now say that most of the sea creatures we took for granted, (and quite a few of them hermaphrodites) have been cleansed. There’ll be no funny business in the animal kingdom, and a crown of thorns, (much laughter) for the greens’.

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It was rumoured that the famous firm of Hair enhancers, ” Ashley and Martin” were to work closely with the Shane Warne Foundation to develop ways to control the coral bleaching. This is a positive step in cost-effective outsourcing of expertise in what was once administered (“very poorly’ George Christiansen M.P) by the CSIRO

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Now the reef is dead, Arthur (depicted here) is using a helicopter (legitimately) to assess suitability of islands for real estate and core sustainable business development.

On hand to inaugurate the ministry the new fundraising head of the Property Council Arthur Sinodinos enthused; ‘there’s no problem with kickbacks and secret deals , because there’s no need to be secretive now the ecology of the east coast is completely fucked!!. Why bother. Clearly, if the public hadn’t woken up to the fact my undeclared business interests and my mates in the Minerals and Energy Council really run the country, they’re more stupid than I thought. It’s not my fault I’m lucky. And besides, I’m interested in real growth and sustainable real estate. Worrying about a few billion trillion micro organisms and their alleged capacity to furnish an entire tourism and aquaculture industry is under review. The jury is out on this one. As a matter of fact, The P.M Mr Malcolm Abbott has just launched another enquiry into wind farms, has signed off on the cleaner futures bill to install a coal fired power station in every country town. And as the indices prove, productivity is up, shareholder returns are up and what we now have , and I think I don’t need to remind the public, we have certainty.

This certainty is what’s driving this country. We need certainty, and now without the environment to hold us back we have absolute certainty. And whilst I’m at it, we’ve just signed a new deal and handed over the entire portfolio of aboriginal affairs to Woolworths. They’ve proved by their Masters’ rollout the capacity for imagination, leadership and bravery. What better vehicle for aboriginal determination than outsourcing the ministry lock stock and barrel to the proven heavy lifters in the market. And besides as most of us are shareholders, it’s another win win to add to the trickle down effect.

That’s the problem with you environmentalists, you don’t get the trickle down effect. And that’s why you movement is doomed. Because you don’t understand economic modelling, which points to higher living standards for shareholders’. Asked how much of the environment was left to save, he was candid; ‘On current estimates it’s about 1 percent’. Asked if he was shocked that 1 per cent was all that’s left, he replied sardonically; ‘It’s really a glass half full scenario. Look here luv, been in the business as long as I have its only the I per cent that counts. Provided you (the voter) keep thinking it’s half full you’ll keep voting for us. There’s certainty in that. And besides it’s good for business’.

More from the afterlife of dreams

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Senators Bishop (left) and Pyne (right) testing the new ‘Ideas Boom” thought wave transference suit on the new P.M Malcolm Abbott, prior to the annual parliamentary ball only to discover that the wearer is bereft of imagination. (costumes on this occasion generously lent by the  Minister for Innovation from his personal collection)

Just what the doctor ordered. A reprieve from an over-long election campaign, (it’s been almost a week now!!) and the entropy that comes with “continuity and change’. If only the P.M, Malcolm Abbott had imagination like our dream-reader Beau Dunlap. The world might be a very different place. So forget about the near certain death of the worlds largest living organism, (the great barrier reef) in record time, and know that coal is good for humanity. Forget about ‘Artful Arty’ and his secret donor slush fund. And forget about the fact that you, the average citizen have no say in what really happens in this country. Participative democracy was all just a dream. The footy season is back on. Relax, and go with the flow. And what better way to flow than tune in to Beau and his afterlife. What did the shareholders say when the P.M flogged off another public institution to the big end of town? ‘OOOhhhh I feell better  now’!!

I dreamt I had to be really on my game in bed with a genuine, down to earth, beautiful movie actress. She had progressed way beyond The Next Best Thing stage, was famous, and was ready for a change of career. To become a real artist – a painter or a singer. She had asked me to play guitar for her. I wanted to, but her singing voice was not good – off key and wavery. She wanted me to hear some of her songs before we would make love for the first time. She was shaking my arm and telling me to get moving: “Quick, Davo, quick, I’ve got this new song and I want you to hear it”. When she started it, it was the same one you’d hear on any Who’s Got Talent quest, only slower and with an even more uncertain tune. I said: “That’s great!” and started stroking her shoulder, then her neck and gorgeous hair. “No”, she said, “get your guitar”.

 In this dream, I agreed to house sit for a woman who advertised her house as having ‘a couple of pets’. When I finally arrived at her house, after an 8 hour drive, it turned out to be six cats, two large dogs, three rabbits, a duck and a designer python. Her house was a couple of caravans up on blocks. The whole thing looked a mess. I apologized and said I couldn’t do it, and got back in my car and drove home. This time the journey took just about the whole day. I guess I was mildly relieved.

I woke from a dream and couldn’t remember what it was about – it was messy and confused and was one of those dreams that made no sense and you want to forget immediately. I kept seeing the face of one of my nephews. I had not seen him for years, now he was tall with a wispy beard and dreadlocks. Suddenly I remembered that the dream was about a court case he had brought against a Federal politician, Bronwyn Bishop. He had accused Ms Bishop of sexual harassment, while he was an ‘intern’ doing work experience in her electoral office. The case was his word against hers and she and her legal team scorned him and laughed it off in the media and it never made it to court. He was interviewed by a notorious tabloid crock, who demanded he tell what she had made him do with her. He stuck to his story but declined any salacious detail. Not good enough for the shock jock. Next thing, Ms Bishop took a rare doorstop going into Parliament and said: “It’s all a bit ridiculous and a little sad really. Just a delusional boy trying to inject some pantomime into Parliament, isn’t it?” and she laughed in the way a cattle dog laughs, and the journos joined in.

I dreamt I was in a seminary with a lot of older men, retirees mostly, who had decided to try for the priesthood, and one time Prime Minister Tony Abbott was my room-mate. “Look, David,” he said, extending his hands above his head in the shadows: “They’re not trembling! They’re not trembling!” After a while, he added in a calm voice: “But they’ll tremble when they are clasped around your throat, you bastard!” His face looked like a pig’s head in a butcher’s shop. He was laughing, but his eyes were burning as he was speaking. “You’ll never get to be a priest playing Don Quixote,” I said, thinking it was the right time for me to leave the seminary.

Progressive Conservative

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Dear co contortionists. Ever tried making sense of the political dialogue in this country? Could be worse. New Zealand just spent millions on designing a new flag, and then didn’t. If you believe in fairies, then you’ve got a better hold on reality than most and possibly posess that one ingredient so lacking in the mind-space of those allegedly elected, Imagination. Lucky then, that at PCbyCP we have another telling insight, from none other than that sage of the sanguine, that luminary of the left-leaning, that oracle from the ossuary, Paddi ‘O’ Caermeda. Let Paddy illuminate us…..and put another half-light upon a non-problem. He opines…

Remarkable as this might seem, the party of the Right in Canada was known from 1942 until 2003 as the Progressive Conservative Party. Bringing to mind the Pushmepullyou of Dr Dolittle fame, it might as a currently unused name be applied to the Coalition government in Australia. After all the National Party is barely that and the Liberal Party hasn’t been as such for some time.

Of course recycling has been something of a topic of late. Continuity and change was revived from a US satirical TV show as an attempt by Malcolm Turnbull to hold together his increasingly fractious party. Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott was loudly proclaiming his view that the government was campaigning on his agenda and record, Turnbull was contorting on TV to try to show how very different he is, and even the trumpeting of a new fund for innovation in clean energy, hailed as a dramatic reversal of an Abbott reversal, was soon revealed as a funding cut from existing energy policies dressed in new clothes.

Even that most Turnbull of phrase ‘Exciting time’ found itself in trouble. It was under threat of a challenge from the Labor party for its appearance in the Innovation Agenda campaign as a political slogan, and was quietly dropped from the advertisements.

George Orwell was all over this. In his famous essay The Politics of the English Language published in 1946 he wryly observed: The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink.

It is hard to see how we are all not going to be covered in cuttlefish ink by the time this very long campaign is over. We need the ink, or Turnbull thinks we do, to disguise the fact that nothing is happening, nothing is changing, that the progressive is really a conservative. His government is a Pushmepullyou, presided over by a Dr Dolittle, a beast that without an anus must surely be full of …..Progressive Conservative

Poetry Sunday 27 March 2016

Our glorious Poetry Editor, Ira Maine, Esq. has presented a beauty this day.

A New Temperance Poem, In Memory Of My Departed Parents, Who Were Sober Living & God Fearing People – Poem by William Topaz McGonagall

My parents were sober living, and often did pray
For their family to abstain from intoxicating drink alway;
Because they knew it would lead them astray
Which no God fearing man will dare to gainsay. 

Some people do say that God made strong drink,
But he is not so cruel I think;
To lay a stumbling block in his children’s way,
And then punish them for going astray. 

No! God has more love for his children, than mere man.
To make strong drink their souls to damn;
His love is more boundless than mere man’s by far,
And to say not it would be an unequal par. 

A man that truly loves his family wont allow them to drink,
Because he knows seldom about God they will think,
Besides he knows it will destroy their intellect,
And cause them to hold their parents in disrespect. 

Strong drink makes the people commit all sorts of evil,
And must have been made by the Devil
For to make them quarrel, murder, steal, and fight,
And prevent them from doing what is right. 

The Devil delights in leading the people astray,
So that he may fill his kingdom with them without delay;
It is the greatest pleasure he can really find,
To be the enemy of all mankind. 

The Devil delights in breeding family strife,
Especially betwixt man and wife;
And if the husband comes home drunk at night,
He laughs and crys, ha! ha! what a beautiful sight. 

And if the husband asks his supper when lie comes in,
The poor wife must instantly find it for him;
And if she cannot find it, he will curse and frown,
And very likely knock his loving wife down. 

Then the children will scream aloud,
And the Devil no doubt will feel very proud,
If he can get the children to leave their own fireside,
And to tell their drunken father, they won’t with him reside. 

Strong drink will cause the gambler to rob and kill his brother,
Aye! also his father and his mother,
All for the sake of getting money to gamble,
Likewise to drink, cheat, and wrangle. 

And when the burglar wants to do his work very handy,
He plies himself with a glass of Whisky, Rum, or Brandy,
To give himself courage to rob and kill,
And innocent people’s blood to spill. 

Whereas if he couldn’t get Whisky, Rum, or Brandy,
He wouldn’t do his work so handy;
Therefore, in that respect let strong drink be abolished in time,
And that will cause a great decrease in crime. 

Therefore, for this sufficient reason remove it from society,
For seldom burglary is committed in a state of sobriety;
And I earnestly entreat ye all to join with heart and hand,
And to help to chase away the Demon drink from bonnie Scotland. 

I beseech ye all to kneel down and pray,
And implore God to take it away;
Then this world would be a heaven, whereas it is a hell,
And the people would have more peace in it to dwell. 

Notes by Ira Maine
William Topaz Macgonagall (1825 to 1902) a Scot, has earned himself the unenviable reputation of being perhaps the worst ever poet in the English language.

It is difficult, on reading some of his work, to imagine that the man, let alone the public, took his work seriously.

The following two-liner is taken from ‘The Book of Lamentations of the poet Macgonagall.’

On yonder hill there stands a coo,[cow]
If it’s no there, it’s awa noo. [away now]

Just imagine these lines, delivered straight-faced and without explanation, to an expectant audience, an audience already familiar with the poet’s reputation. Eagerly they await the rest of the poem. They wait, and wait, but there is no ‘rest’. That’s it. The poet looks out at them in silence. Bemused, gob-smacked, even bewildered at first, the audience is seduced, subtly and shamelessly, gradually and grudgingly, by the poet’s hilariously bare-faced audacity.

Can any of us seriously imagine that the poet was unaware of the effect his work had on an audience? That he was not deliberately writing excruciating drivel because he had discovered that the combination of his Scot’s accent, ghastly poetry and patrician presentation drew audiences wherever and whenever he gave a public performance? The more outrageous the work the more the man was lionized. Macgonagall had discovered a gravy train!

A poet like Macgonagall would not survive for five minutes without an audience. Let us not forget that the poet’s life coincided with the age of the novelist Sir Walter Scott who had set about  re-inventing Scotland as a place of heroes and heroines and unimaginable romance. This was, of course, after the English, in the 18th century, had starved, murdered and dispossessed the inhabitants of the Highlands so that grouse shooting might go ahead unimpeded. During the 19th century, a broken Scotland became England’s (and Sir Walter’s) romantic restoration project and Queen Victoria’s pet dog.

But enough of this. For anyone who might be inspired to seek out some more deathless verses by this incomparable poet, do make a point of reading “The Tay Bridge Disaster’ or  go absolutely potty and buy a copy of his extraordinary poems! All of the man’s poems require a tongue planted firmly in the cheek in order that not a jot or tittle of the subtle nuances escape you.

MDFF 26 March 2016

As-salaam-alaikum tovarichi,

When our family first came to live in Central Australia, Yuendumu was a neo-colonial outpost. Long white socks and Bermuda shorts and an open necked shirt were the apparel de rigueur for mostly white men. They even had a name for it “Territory Rig”.

When Nangala started work as a teacher in Yuendumu, she was initially installed into a “Health Flat” with our children (I was working for an exploration company in the area, and was tolerated as a “house husband”). The Matron told Nangala, that she shouldn’t allow those ‘Native Children’ into the flat. Those ‘Native Children’ were her students and they had names and they came to play with our children whom they’d befriended at school.

The policy of ‘self-determination’ slowly eroded such attitudes.

This from a recent article by Martin Flanagan, the Melbourne Age’s Sports Writer:

“ Three of the most momentous days of my life occurred in 1987 when I attended a football carnival at Yuendumu on the Warlpiri tribal lands north-west of Alice Springs. In three days, the glass tower of my preconceptions about Aboriginal Australia was shattered. I could tell a dozen stories as to why, each as important as the last…..….And I went to a party where a traditional man with initiation scars all down his chest played the electric guitar like Jimi Hendrix and a white geologist who lived in Yuendumu accompanied him like a jazzman on a trumpet. In that room, that night, Aboriginal people and white people mingled in a spirit of fraternal respect. Walking back to the car I was sleeping in, I thought there has to be some way of taking that spirit to the rest of Australia.”  (Jimmy Hendrix- ‘Hey Joe’ one of the songs we often used to play)

Louis Armstrong was born on the 4th August 1901, exactly 42 years before yours truly. The Yuendumu Sports Weekend has been going for half a century and coincides with Satchmo’s birthday. On 7th July 1969 the Louis Armstrong version of ‘Give Peace a Chance’ was released in the U.S., one day short of two years later Louis Armstrong shuffled off this mortal coil (or in Yiddish: ‘schlepped off this mortal coil’) (enjoy, and pay particular attention to the bass player).

I never tire of telling, that on one such birthday party, Japangardi did an impressive traditional dance with a spear in our lounge room. He miraculously avoided hitting the ceiling with the long spear. Jungarrayi and his ‘gang’ where clicking their boomerangs in a steady rhythm with great gusto. It was then I noticed (or imagined) something that may explain to some extent why traditional Aboriginal music sounds so different to western ears. The clicking of the karli was a fraction of a beat behind. Not an off-beat (like Brubeck’s ‘Take five’) but a fraction, and always the same fraction and identical for all the members of Jungarrayi’s ‘gang’.

The loud music emanating from a gramophone player, was the Rolling Stones.  (The Rolling Stones: ‘Brown Sugar’). So what is rhythm? As Fats Waller once famously said : “If You Got To Ask, You Ain’t Got It!”   

Over the years many visiting musicians joined with Yuendumu’s local musos (some are readers of these Dispatches). A lot of assimilationist, ethnocentric nonsense is written about Reconciliation and ‘Closing the Gap’. Racism and ‘Culturism’ are confused. Racism is plain ignorant and nasty. ‘Culturism’ is a Trojan Horse: “Everyone has the right to live and be like me”

On one such occasion, Neil Murray**, after he’d just released his album ‘Calm and Crystal Clear’ played ‘Ocean of Regret’:                                       

Our local musicians instantly backed him up to brilliant effect. Putting in the odd trumpet lick whenever I saw an opening, was most enjoyable. Years later Neil remember that occassion and said it was a “magic moment”

Many a magic moment happened over the decades in Yuendumu.

Warlpiri people consider people they get to know to be family. A musician friend of ours, when our different attitudes to possessions caused a slight disagreement, remarked: “We are not a good family, but we are a good band!”

Being the optimist that I am, I think that true Reconciliation could be found in music (and dancing)…

‘Lets Dance’- David Bowie and Tina Turner:

Sadly, Martin Flanagan’s “there has to be some way of taking that spirit to the rest of Australia” hasn’t eventuated. Instead that spirit is being strangled by ever tightening control of people’s lives. It isn’t a huge leap from the ‘seatbelt police’ to the ‘thought police’.

But hey, the flickering candle of that spirit is alive and well. Just check out Warlpiri Art:

Shalom and mazel tov


** Neil Murray is playing at the Lake Bolac Eel Festival 8th – 10th April.  Also Bill Gammage (The Biggest Estate on Earth) and Bruce Pascoe (Dark Emu) will be in discussion at this festival on the morning of the 9th April

Phoney Election. “Pulling the wings off Flies”.

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School Bully!! Demonstrating; ‘the British heritage of our political institutions and our unique democratic freedoms”, (James Patterson M.P)

Dear reader, just the tonic for Easter. Paddio O, brings us this thrilling insight into the workings of our man  Mr George Christiansen M.P. The new shining light of BIG L Liberal Values. So roll away the stone, and celebrate the ressurection of ‘ol fashioned’ ‘educashional’ values enshrined in the stuff we learn at school.

‘We all went to school with a George Christensen. You remember the kid, unless the memory is supressed from the horror it recalls. He was the kid at the back of the class, parents had money, he was spoilt, lazy, not good at study or sport. Yet strangely he had a group of friends, kids from poorer backgrounds who looked up to him in fear and who shared his hobbies. Hobbies like the smart arsed remark in class, the sly trip in the corridor, the tyres let down on the bike with the valve thrown away, the shit in the locker, the standover of a weaker kid to relieve him of his pocket money, the petty, low level, sneaky bullying that was usually addressed with the snarling charge of “Poofter”. You never quite saw it but you always suspected that he got his jollies from pulling the wings off flies, or using his glasses to magnify sunlight to fry ants.

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Bullies can get to the absolute toppest top!! By hard, work, thrift and peronal endeavour. (Ayn Rand)

Those kids grown up, and become captains of industry, owners of football teams, and members of parliament. George has continued his winning ways from school, in the bigger playground that is the Federal Parliament. As a Nationals backbencher he shouldn’t have much sway but that wouldn’t stop George. With all the skills honed at McKay State High School, he knew he could wield power, and wield it he has. He was there in camera shot in the corridors as a Nation watched the all too familiar drama as a sitting Prime Minister was dumped less than two years into his first term. George wouldn’t like the outcome. Malcolm Turnbull with his rounded vowels and perfect suits and designer cufflinks and taught waistline is more diametrically opposed to George than the CFMEU members he pretends to hate. He bided his time, waited for his moment, found his flies and pulled their wings off.

Pulling the wings off flies 2

Move over Big Kev! They breed em ‘sophistikated’ in Queensland.

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George as a younger man developed an intuitive understanding of supply, demand and the benefits of free enterprise.

They were the kinds of kids he probably loathed at school: Kids a bit uncertain about their sexuality or perhaps very clear about not being heterosexual. George became the cheerleader for the attack on ‘Safe Schools’ because a school like that would leave no fun for him. In all the tumult of a Senate sitting hours after bedtime to try to delay an inevitable result, George got his fun. A letter demanding change to a program designed to protect the weak, signed by a clear majority of the coalition members of parliament was presented to Turnbull just before he got the report into the program. The report was a sop to the right the letter was the right saying they had the numbers. And now we are in a phoney war as a bill designed to reign in a union all but bereft of power is presented again as a trigger for a double dissolution. Turnbull is looking his resolute best, a champion of those poor property developers bullied by a union, while George holds his numbers including the previous Prime Minister to make sure he wins’.

Arthur Sinodinos on tax reform

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“Artful Arty”. Arthur Sinodinos, tax breaks for corporations (who don’t pay tax) and a boon for the trickle down effect.

The past few weeks have been all about gravity waves and thought bubbles….we now know that ‘thought bubbles’ are a tremor if you like, before the full blown ‘Ideas, boom’, which is not a literal boom, as in a sonic boom, but a shockwave. The ‘thought bubble’ is a tremor, when gravity waves and GAYma rays impact upon the cereberal cortex resulting in an ‘IDEAS boom’. The ‘thought bubble’, occurring  a trillion billionth of a second before the big bang, (‘ideas boom’) is a presentiment of the ‘Ideas Boom’ to come. And from this dynamic flux between ‘thought bubble’ and ‘Ideas Boom’, we get ‘innovative strategy’ from our federal government.

Because of the increased influence of gravity waves, the ‘thought bubbles’ have been everywhere, and occurring in quite strange places . Arthur Sinodinos clearly demonstrates the influence of ‘thought bubbles’, and we’d like to give you an edited transcript of his ‘thought bubble’, to illustrate just how closely tied it is to the ‘ideas boom’, and the influence of gravity waves in general.

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George Sinodinos. Arty’s brother. A deep thinker, and long term economic analyst. Thinks Arty’s measures are anti social.

‘We need tax reform, but tax reform that goes to the heart of the matter. Tax cuts for the corporations. We’re talking big corporations, the ones who don’t pay tax. That’ll allow the ‘trickle down effect’.

The trickle down effect is literally the hope that the big end of town, after they’ve got through the process of taking all public assets for free, and re- selling them back to us, might employ some of us as hedge clippers. They work in sync with hedge funds managers to ensure that the 1% can maintain groundsmen, and nannies for their chinless wonder children, and au pair girls to look after Hyacinth and Tarquin when we’re playing the green at St Tropez. This is the ‘trickle down effect’.

I liken it to a colostomy bag, the colostomy bag stores what’s left of my personal consumption, and I hold it fast until some time I choose to dispense with its contents. If it’s overfull, there are leakage problems. I don’t like it being overfull, but sometimes after a string of really high level corporate lunches, and gatherings at Davos I liken it to the trickle down effect. The seal that protects my assets from opportunists may wear, and it is comforting to know there’s an army of attendants in waiting to lick the visceral smear from my body and thus anoint me with a supernatural purity. That’s the tickle down effect. In simple terms, what they choose to do with my waste is their business. And their entitled to do whatever they like. That’s free enterprise. Some may even manage to set up micro businesses which may thrive in their enlightenment of sub impoverishment. But I like to think that what I leave them to utilise, has been anointed solely by me.


Arthur at work with Joe Hockey on perfecting the 2014 budget. Note suspended beaker with colostomy content activating ‘trickle down effect on plant material’. (the plant subsequently died). Learn about what happend to “Fearless Fly” in tomorrow’s instalment.

I don’t like the idea of them, having their own measured and reasonable income, because they’ll spend it on entertainment, gambling and other vices. I anoint and appoint. And the trickle down effect ensures that everyone knows their place. Look it’s worked in America, they talk of a gap, but to my understanding, (though I never ever go there) the backstreets behind the shiny facades are chock full of people working industriously in micro businesses, pharmaceuticals, chemicals distribution, acquisition and finessing, their stock to improve themselves. If they had a de-liberalising “welfare” scheme they’d only waste it. And as i’m chair of the local apex, rotary and christian charitable institutions, I know I do it for their own good. That’s the great thing about the trickle down effect, it leaves choice with those who are responsible and will ensure that the benefits of wealth and capital accumulation are not wasted. .

James Patterson A brand new LIBERAL

Dear reader, we are indebted to Tim Wilson, another protege of the IPA, in ensuring for us that modern liberalism is indeed not very liberal and not very modern. See how the party of the five percent, (the right wing loony ideologues) serve the one percent in their absolute interpretation of freedom and liberty. Apologies to George Orwell for the ‘mind-speak’, and the rest of humanity for allowing gravity waves via Malcolm Abbott’s “Ideas Boom’ phenomena, (PCbyCP March 15) to impregnate the ‘thought bubble’ that is the subconscious of our gracious leader Malcolm Abbott.

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james Paterson, our newest M.P. Well dressed, and very worldy indeed.

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Ably supported by other liberal minded senators, Corey and Eric.

Rather than try to satirise the recent speech made by James Paterson the newly installed fresh young conservative senator, we’d just let James in his own words illuminate his perspective on the way things work. James is a clean-skin to politics and like all his ilk, though he’s never ever had a real job, knows that by a long apprenticeship with VECCI , an internship with the Tea Party and the IPA, that freedom is based on firm liberal principles. Lower wages, freedom of enterprises unfettered by red and green tape, freedom and liberty for the rest of us to be crushed, squashed and humiliated by the market. Tremble. The market is king. And for those children from all other states other than Victoria who have just tuned into this link via the upgraded, “gutted” safer schools programme learn that you must know which way your bread is buttered.

Let the great man speak for himself. And with some minor notes from the editor. Now from James.

‘I am a Liberal because I believe that we are most likely to achieve human flourishing if we give people freedom. I am proud to call myself a classical liberal, because I recognise that we are the custodians of a set of ideas that goes back centuries. We have inherited an incredibly proud intellectual tradition. Throughout history, liberals have fought for human progress. It was people who called themselves liberals who helped emancipate slaves, enacted religious freedom, and established the principle that all should be equal before the law’, (Ed. they were not “Liberals”, but LIBERALS. If you think so strongly about slavery, why do you incarcerate refugees as criminals, and reference Wilberforce, who was possessed of imagination and empathy, a human emotion you are alienated from.)

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He actually really believes in what he’s saying

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Jame’s proud parents. What parent wouldn’t be proud.

‘The remarkable gains in living standards that we have witnessed in recent years have occurred thanks to liberal institutions, such as property rights, the rule of law and free trade. As my friend Daniel Hannan compellingly argues in his book Inventing Freedom: How the English-Speaking Peoples Made the Modern World, it is these institutions which separate the West from the rest. Australia is a free and prosperous nation because we have long respected these institutions. But there is nothing inevitable about this. If we want to maintain our unique way of life, we must pass these values on to the next generation. As much as possible, the education system should facilitate this. Sadly, it is becoming increasingly difficult for parents to choose a school which reflects their worldview and which will teach it to their children’, (Ed. To perpetuate the lie of manifest destiny and supremacy of your Rhodes-ian worldview and eternal damnation of the first australians as a pseudo untermensch)

‘But I also believe that our current national curriculum is unbalanced and skewed towards a left-of-centre world view, although I do acknowledge the government’s efforts to improve it. I am particularly concerned that the cross-curriculum priorities, which are to be taught in all subjects, are more aligned with progressive values than liberal or conservative ones. Those cross-curriculum priorities are: sustainability, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander histories and cultures, Asia and Australia’s engagement with Asia. These are all worthy areas of study. But here are some alternative cross-curriculum priorities which I believe are equally worthy and which may have been included if the original authors of the curriculum came from the other side of the political fence: for example, the importance of the free enterprise system to a prosperous country, how to secure paid employment and why the dignity of work leads to a happy life, and the British heritage of our political institutions and our unique democratic freedoms’. (Ed. working to be poor is not dignified, your cheerleaders in the Vecci, and Chamber of commerce and industry would prefer a serfdom for the vast majority to enshrine your smug sense of superiority and your actions in stripping workers rights proves this. )

‘The other is John Roskam, for more than a decade now, the visionary Executive Director of the Institute of Public Affairs. Since 1943, the IPA has played a major role in Australian public life. But, under John’s leadership, it has become a powerhouse of ideas and the first line of defence for the liberties sadly taken for granted by many in this place. From him I have learnt the indispensable role of values in political life and the importance of bold policy ambition’. ( Ed. …..and cruelty)

Dear reader, we do apologise for leaving vast swathes of this fine speech, but you get an inkling the flavour tended to the jingoistic, triumphant, reactionary and self serving.

Hooray the IPA. (a poem)

My wages cut, and subsistence pay

Hooray for the IPA

My school is broke, I think I’m gay

Hooray for the IPA

I work all day, yet cannot save

Hooray for the IPA

Can’t pay my rent, I’m evicted today

Hooray for the IPA

Were humans meant to be treated this way?

Hooray for the IPA

No one listens to a word I say

Hooray for the IPA

“Dealing with Dummies” Peta’s speech at MLC

A report from Bunty Beresford-Basingthwaite, (from the upper sixth MLC).

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Bunty. Opening Bowler in school’s first eleven.

Dear readers, It’s an exciting time in the Australian body politic, and i’m sure you’ll agree with that nicely spoken man our P.M for innovation Mr Turnbull, that the future is ours, and there has never been a better time to be an Australian. I know some people grumble about generation Y and their forlorn hope in ever getting a house, but we generation X’ers are the new broom, and understand that through hard work and enterprise, the world’s literally our oyster. It is with such promise I just had to report to you all on the subject of a really stirring speech given the other day at that figurative bauhaus of modern women, the Methodist Ladies College.

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Peta, ” fearless and forthright”

Last week, a very powerful woman, the architect of the recent electoral success of the federal Liberal party, Ms, Peta Credlin, came to our school assembly and gave us all a breathlessly stirring and inspirational speech. It was stupendous, and how we all roared when she stood up on the stage, grasped the podium with the strength of a Russian gymnast, gave a wave of her leonine hair, and announced, ‘seize the day, we are empowered!!’. It felt like my veins had been coursed with molten liquid fire, to hear her, see her, and just ghasped at her command of language, power of expression and long suffering capacity to deal with bores, dolts, and people who are just so frustrating because they are, as Peta put it, Dummies. ‘How do you lead for dummies’? That was the topic of the speech, and I hung on every word, because I know as captain of the open schoolgirls hockey team, first eleven,  head of the debating society and current holder of the (International baccalaureate) Alliance Francais scholarship how incredibly frustrating it is to be surrounded by dummies. In my experience people must be cajoled, whipped, and thrashed into activity.  And they irritate me with their questioning.  It is so frustrating being surrounded by dummies, and I’ve got to tell you, they’re everywhere. And after the 2014, budget, it seems the whole electorate is brimming full with dummies!! I get a sense of it, when I’m on the number eight tram, and common people get on at the corner of Chapel street and Toorak road.  Everything about them frustrates me, and they have no sense of intelligence, personal responsibility, ambition, or, I know it’s unfashionable to use this term, “class”.

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‘Louise Adler, (an outstanding ‘old girl’) though I still can’t find the records I need to do a bio on her for the school magazine’.

Peta’s talk was much more than this, she told us all that in spite of the betrayal of her protege Tony Abbott, she was working tirelessly to ensure that the Liberal party stayed on track and demonstrated strong leadership. She reminded us that as a woman, you must strive to counter wet, wishy washy sentiment. Never be swayed by the weak, the meek and the dispossesed. Hard, strong, deliberative leadership is what this country needs. And by hook and by crook she’s a leader, true and firm. Such a pity that the “wets’ in her party betrayed her trust. Those wets, who are just too stupid to realise what they were doing.

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No room for Dummies at the top.

After the school prayer, the head of the school council, Louise Adler, (an outstanding ‘old girl’, though I still can’t find the records I need to do a bio on her for the school magazine) got up, and with a thrilling applause described Peta as ‘a truly amazing woman’. ‘A woman of vision, and a woman of conviction’. I asked after the speech if I could interview Peta for the school magazine, but I was physically brushed aside by Louise who intimated that; ‘Peta and her were under contract, and I should mind my own business’. At first I was taken aback, and then thinking of the school motto, (Deo Domuique, ’For God and for Home”) realised that Louise was doing me a favour by being direct and not wishy washy and not being compromised by effete values like manners and emotional intelligence.

I shall treasure this speech night, and treasure the memory of two game changing powerful women who prove by their demonstrated actions that the boys club has real competition. As daddy said; ‘a strong woman like Maggie can really make a difference, and make this country great again’. And I do hope for posterity’s sake Louise encourages Peta to write a book, so that Melboune University press can have another deserved best seller. Rather hear Peta tell us about leadership than those silly, stodgy, wet, wet, wet, papers they used to publish by jaded academics, who talked of social theory and the recent political past, as if anyone cared. Like those useless novels we have to read for english literature, the past, like history, is bunk.