The Great Barrier Reef used to look like this. This however is a photo taken whilst the author was undergoing a tooth extraction at his local dentist.

Dear reader we cannot describe the breathless sense of relief we feel, that now, with absolute certainty, we can announce that most of the Great Barrier Reef north of Cairns is completely destroyed. Up to 95 percent of it. This is the certainty that businesses need. ‘At this rate there’ll be only 1 percent left’, postulated the parliamentary secretary in charge of the Fiducial Resource Access Utility Department, (FRAUD) Mr Arthur, (‘artfully arty’ to his mates) Sinodinos. ‘Only a matter of time before the southern section is knocked off too, and then we can all get back to the serious business of developing this country. Our friends in the Minerals and Energy Council are delighted, and so are we. There’s quite a bit of coal in Queensland that is under-utilised. This can change. There’ll be no micro organisms standing in the way of big business. And with the death of the entire eco system in Kakadu, and imminent melt down of most biota by the end of the decade, Australia can well and truly stand proud and say without contradiction; ‘We are open for business’.

Coral bleaching. ‘Quite nice as it’s very pristine and what’s good for the home is good for the reef’ ( Mr. A Nal Kleen, CEO Harpic Industries)

In recognition of the complete erasure of biota the P.M Mr. Malcolm Abbott, was on hand to announce; ‘this is really an exciting time for Australia, as the reef death is the best prima facie example of continuity and change. And with the reef gone, we’re hoping for a big push from real estate to open up the near north’. The newly appointed Minister for Physical Utilities Sustainable Technologies Universities, Learning and Environment, (PUSTULE) George Christiansen, concurred; ‘We’ve destroyed safer schools and it is with some confidence I can now say that most of the sea creatures we took for granted, (and quite a few of them hermaphrodites) have been cleansed. There’ll be no funny business in the animal kingdom, and a crown of thorns, (much laughter) for the greens’.

It was rumoured that the famous firm of Hair enhancers, ” Ashley and Martin” were to work closely with the Shane Warne Foundation to develop ways to control the coral bleaching. This is a positive step in cost-effective outsourcing of expertise in what was once administered (“very poorly’ George Christiansen M.P) by the CSIRO

Now the reef is dead, Arthur (depicted here) is using a helicopter (legitimately) to assess suitability of islands for real estate and core sustainable business development.

On hand to inaugurate the ministry the new fundraising head of the Property Council Arthur Sinodinos enthused; ‘there’s no problem with kickbacks and secret deals , because there’s no need to be secretive now the ecology of the east coast is completely fucked!!. Why bother. Clearly, if the public hadn’t woken up to the fact my undeclared business interests and my mates in the Minerals and Energy Council really run the country, they’re more stupid than I thought. It’s not my fault I’m lucky. And besides, I’m interested in real growth and sustainable real estate. Worrying about a few billion trillion micro organisms and their alleged capacity to furnish an entire tourism and aquaculture industry is under review. The jury is out on this one. As a matter of fact, The P.M Mr Malcolm Abbott has just launched another enquiry into wind farms, has signed off on the cleaner futures bill to install a coal fired power station in every country town. And as the indices prove, productivity is up, shareholder returns are up and what we now have , and I think I don’t need to remind the public, we have certainty.

This certainty is what’s driving this country. We need certainty, and now without the environment to hold us back we have absolute certainty. And whilst I’m at it, we’ve just signed a new deal and handed over the entire portfolio of aboriginal affairs to Woolworths. They’ve proved by their Masters’ rollout the capacity for imagination, leadership and bravery. What better vehicle for aboriginal determination than outsourcing the ministry lock stock and barrel to the proven heavy lifters in the market. And besides as most of us are shareholders, it’s another win win to add to the trickle down effect.

That’s the problem with you environmentalists, you don’t get the trickle down effect. And that’s why you movement is doomed. Because you don’t understand economic modelling, which points to higher living standards for shareholders’. Asked how much of the environment was left to save, he was candid; ‘On current estimates it’s about 1 percent’. Asked if he was shocked that 1 per cent was all that’s left, he replied sardonically; ‘It’s really a glass half full scenario. Look here luv, been in the business as long as I have its only the I per cent that counts. Provided you (the voter) keep thinking it’s half full you’ll keep voting for us. There’s certainty in that. And besides it’s good for business’.