Stunning news from up north on just how successful the Australian Commonwealth games team are in all their events.

Did you know that yesterday the Opals beat Mozambique by four hundred goals in the mixed synchronised swimming event. The Matilda’s beat Kenya three thousand goals to nil in the integrated limbless ice hockey. From the track we’ve heard that Shane Dwayne O Grady came first in the hop step and jump, discus and back-somersault relay race.

Australia leads the world in sports not neccescarily related to ball tampering.

More stunningly alienating than Melbourne’s Docklands, Another GOLD moment for the Gold Coast.

The gold just keeps flowing for Australia. Proof that we are numero uno over all those parts of the old empire that just weren’t civilised or whitey enough. On hand to congratulate the athletes the future King of Australia Prince Charles the Third acknowledged the stellar perfomances from the Australian team: ‘Not since mummy and I wrote those naughty words to that lickpsittle of a toady John Kerr have we laughed so much. On the track, in the field and in every sphere of non-thinking human endeavour you Awstwalians prove your mettle’.

Our future King, Charles the 3rd suggests an improper use of games souvenir to Camilla, the Duchess of Tawdry. (we are not amused)

Tomorrow Australia kicks off against the Isle of Man in the haggis eating competition, and after the finals it’ll be a showdown between our own contender, Geroge (Georgie_boy) Christensen and the kaber tossing scotsman, Eric Mcpewkes.

However, there is a dark cloud. Anecdotal evidence suggests that the games are just not relevant anymore. They don’t attract the national intrerest and in other countries not blessed by the roseate pink of empire they don’t even know what a “Commonwealth” is. And some haven’t yet heard of Queensland. And that’s reflected in the medal tally.

On literacy, Australia came thirteenth behind, Mauritius the Seycheles and those bits of the ol Belgian Congo that were no coloured pink in the old school atlas. And for creativity, the only field Australia managed to make a nudge against other contenders, South Africa, Malawi and The Scilly Isles, was in creative accouting and real estate. “Perhaps that’s why the people are not coming’, sighed a disillusioned Peter Beattie. ‘We thought that after the opening ceremony every roadway in Australia would be packed. Instead they tell me the Gold Coast is a ghost town. How could people not be interested in what’s on offer”?

Arguably, Australia’s most “hollowed out’ urban environment. Another Gold moment.

‘But there’s hope’, says Beattie.

‘We’re lobbying for special categories in the next Commonwealth games. And I think this will give Australia a chance to demonstrate to the world it’s credentials. Land clearing, Barrier Reef despoilation, Indigenous incarceration, Species Extinction, Bigotry and Smugness will all be competitive sports. And our latest, “Coal futures”. We wanna make sure that Coal is an inseperable part of Australia’s sporting mix, and after the cricketing debacle we’re happy to say that weet Bix have jumped on board. What better endorsement could one hope for.

So though the streets may be empty, in a special Queenslander kinda way, we know the reason for the drop in crowds. It’s the southern states. They envy our coal coloured view of the world.

And that’s why we strive harder to go it alone.

Cos we can’.

The following is an edited text of a recent article that appeared in the Guardian. In the interests of transparency we believe it only fair to acknowledge our craft in plagiarism.

Dear Malcolm; ” with friends like these”…

The luminary from the near north Craig Kelly (Member for Hughes) hopes  that with the Monash Forum, we the taxpayers do what private enterprise wont touch. And that is… to ensure that the government pays for new coal-fired powerstations.

Craig and his mates are aginst the “demonisation” of coal, and hoped that the threat of a united coal-ish backbench would destabilise the the Turnbull government’s National Energy Guarantee, and in doing so ensure another tilt for Tony “Peabody is my best friend” Abbott. A win win for strong government and progressive policy. Tony Abbott, Eric Abetz, Kevin ­Andrews, George Christiansen and just for fun, Barnaby Joyce united in COAL.

George Christensen has reportedly written to fellow Nationals MPs inviting them to join the group “encouraging the government in the promotion of and ­facilitation of and/or construction of coal-fired power stations”.

John Monash, accepts first ride on Gravy Train.

The group is named after the First World War general John Monash, owing to his role in opening up Victoria’s ­Latrobe Valley for coal production. And for assisting to aid the British in ensuring more Australians per capita than just about anywhere else were slaughtered during the First World War, to achieve NOTHING. And because he’s an ANZAC (whose name shall live in sanctity and eternal light) the forum is beyond reproach. To question thus, Is “Un- Australian”.

Batting for The RIGHT to be wrong. (George Christiansen was asked to be included but declined as there was not enough space to put him in).

“It’s not like it’s a secret society,” Kelly said, “One of the aims of the group is to emphasise the importance of coal-fired generation. In KILLING the planet!!
“Coal is demonised by a large section of the community – that demonisation is incorrect, because coal is absolutely vital to the national economy both for export and the generation of cheap, reliable electricity.” And besides setting up a coal fired power station (as against renewables and what Jay Weatherel did in S.A) is prohibitively expensive. And what better way to do it, follow the lead of Exxon, Transurban, Google, Amazon, and all the others and PAY no TAX. Get the taxpayer to pay the rent, the rent that we seek for promoting hideously expensive, outmoded, grotesquely innefficient industries, and reward us for KILLING THE PLANET.

And as the majority of us are Queenslanders we deserve recognition, particularly with the Commonwealth Games on, in being the absolute world leaders in de-forestation and KILLING the PLANET.

We’ve killed off the greatest living organism ever, and we’re working tirelessly to ensure that all habitat that supports really fucking intersting stuff is completely destroyed. And you know why we do it? Cos we’re good ol conservative God-fearing folk who stand for development and environmental despoilaton. AT ALL COSTS. And we like to defy economic and Environmental Logic because WE CAN!

Kelly said if AGL’s Liddell power station were closed, the “optimum outcome for the grid” would be to construct a new coal-fired power station. And reverse govenrment policy of propping up inneficient industries by making the taxpayer PAY.

Glorious Anzacs led heroically by Sir John Monash demonstrate new strip mining techniques in Flanders 1916. Another instance of Australia pushing innovation and technology.

“Private-sector investment in coal might not be forthcoming due to possible technological change and changes to climate policy by a future government so “the government may need to step in and assist the build” of a new power station”. Derrr, (ed.)

And power companies who pay no tax to completely screw the consumer and ensure like Joe Hockey did, that manufacturing is gone FOREVER. And for daring to be clever.

The deputy Nationals leader, Bridget McKenzie, told Radio National on Tuesday coal “needs to be an ongoing part of the energy mix” COS IT KILLS THE PLANET.
“I don’t want to be ideological about how we get affordable, reliable power,” she said.
But coal is the only way to ensure the planet is KILLED QUICKLY.

From North America,  hot on the tail of those who march (unarmed) in the US, to protest (as is their right), for those to be armed and (as is their right) carry an arsenal of weapons to keep themselves and other law abiding citizens “ Safe”.

First from our agent provocatrix in the U.S, Cecil Poole, this observation:

‘Placard from gun control march, Raleigh NC. The plural of Uterus is surely uteri. Education is not what it used to be. Sad”;.

Then quicker than you can say “March of little feet” this sanguine observation from our bard from the near north Ira Maine:

“Pull yourself together, for Gawd’s sake!

Surely the placarded lady used the word as she did in order to stir
an echo of the tediously ubiquitous shop name: ‘Boring ‘r’ Us’.

‘Uterus’ sounds awfully like ‘Youth ‘r’ Us’  to me. I hardly think
this double entendre was accidental given the subtlety of her overall
message. It is singularly apposite and is unlikely to have occurred by
chance.

The  saddest part to me is that most of the Trumped up jackass class
simply will not understand her message. They would find ‘uteri’
utterly incomprehensible.

In barricaded expectation of an avalanche of hooted derision in
response, I take my gentle leave…

My compliments to the splendid Andrea*,

Ira Maine,
Lord of the IGA  Aisles and a Martyr to Ungovernable Wind’.

Sir Atney as a student, when he studied Latin and Grammer and punchtuation.

And then, the final word from our sage of the Sydney-Ciders Sir Atney of Emo:

“Of course, the rot started when the Classics disappeared from the school syllabus, displaced by Inter-Gender Studies, Creative Carpet Laying, The Use of Deconstruction in the Critical Analysis of Japanese Manga Comics, etc.

Thus not one in hundreds would have spotted the errors abounding in Brian’s graffito in Monty Python’s ”Life of Brian” – “Romanes eunt comus”.

As present company, latinists all, would well know, the message should be “Romani ite domum” (Romans go home). Amongst other corrections, the verb now takes the third-person imperative form.

O tempora, O mores!

Sir Atney Emo”

And then from the Tolmordian Transigent,

‘Moses, when he finally got all of his followers together and began to
shepherd them out of the city, he found his way utterly blocked by
heaps of uncollected garbage.
‘What about our long sojourn in the wilderness?’ he cried as he
surveyed the piled up and stinking mess.’This will very probably
bugger up  our entire Biblical itinerary!’

Out of nowhere, as if ’twere a miracle, there appeared the twelve
apostates, with shovels.

In a trice the way was made clear, the Garbo’s strike obviously over.

“Can we go now?’ muttered Moses through gritted teeth, himself and his
followers almost overcome by the stench of the freshly disturbed and
rotting mess.
‘No worries!’ chuckled the head sanitation man, indicating the gap in
the garbage,  “Ite, cibum est super.’

This is what “Latin Grammar” looks like. Surprising more people aint got a handle on it.

This command was remembered and subsequently incorporated, with minor
alterations, into the Latin Mass.

Roughly translated it means: ‘Go, the mess is over.’

Ira.

Hmmm…. In uteri I go! (popular Deniliquin vernacular)

And who is, “the splendid Andrea’? Stay tuned for tomorrows thrilling instalment, i  which we put the quid into “Quid Pro Quo”…

Kevin Rudd. “Internationally famous in Australia”

You’re probably wondering what the Commonwealth Games, probably the most significant event in the international sporting calendar has to do with Australia’s Greatest, (cos he says so in his autobiography) Prime Minister EVER!

WEll, it’s because of the ball tampering scandal. You see the ball tampering scandal, possibly the greatest sporting scandal EVER to hit Australia, is a benchmark. It’s a Dividing Line. It’s a Watershed Moment. From herafter Australian history will be referred to as “Australia BBTS”, (Before Ball Tampering Scandal) and Australia ABTS ( After Ball Tampering Scandal). It will mark that turning point in our national culture.

The Commonwealth Games Village. Sort of Montreal World’s fair 1962, but without Elvis and “Queenslandish”.

And who better to define it than the Greatest P.M of Australia, Kevin Rudd. Only seven days into Australia’s (ABTS) Kevin has warned Australians of how we are courting unfavourable controversy and notoriety for our ball tampering skills. Kevin is worried about what other people in the international sphere may think about us. As sportsmen and all around good blokes. He’s really worried that this is more than just a diplomatic hiccup. It may impact on how others see us. Probably bigger than the spy scandal in the UK if you take a long look at it. And Kevin, because he’s the greatest foreign diplomat we’ve ever had, is seriously worried and so concerned that he needs to tell us folks back home that this really could be the tipping pont.

Kevin, crusader of all that is good, champion of the homeless and the aboriginal australians, is always there as a pointer to the national consciousness. And we feel Kevin’s impatience and frustration, that he may not be heard clearly enough over the white noise of the twernty four hour news cycle. Indeed singular and nation changing issues like giving tax breaks to big corporations who don’t pay tax, and urging the wealthiest of us to hide their gains behind the cloak of philanthropy is just crowding the airwaves. And besides, it’s footy season.

At the Commonwealth Games we can demonstrate Australian leadership and be victorious over places like the Pitcairn Islands, Guernsey and Tuvalu.

WE at Pcbycp have a plan. We want to make Kevin more prominent. We want Kevin, as he is another AQ, (Ambitious Queenslander) to be the mascot and permanent head of the Commonwealth Games. WE want Kevin, courtesy of the Australian taxpayer to do more of the heavy lifitng and represent us more effectively on the global stage. What better vehicle for doing this than being our permanent Commonwealth Games ambassador?

He could lecture the people of Nigeria on human rights. And the people of Trinidad and Tobago on the proclivities of ball tampering. And from his lofty height he could make pronouncements, in a faintly god-like manner on how he alone improved the lot of indigenous australians, and how he is more worthy than any one else EVER to project his brand of international dimplomatic prowess as “KEVINISM”

Commonwealth Games Mascot. Tastefully designed by QUEENSLANDERS!!

So we urge Kevin to be really significant and get behind the most significant sporting event EVER, the Commonwealth Games. To prove once and for all, how relevant he is in international diplomacy, feather bedding and being the greatest politician ever, both BBTS and ABTS.

And you know why?

Cos he says so.