Dear reader, just when you though the census couldn’t get any sillier, and whilst we prepare our mandarin edition for those members of the communist party who are still digesting the input, we bring you this piece from Cecil. Who incidentally, is in the US of A , and aint been shot yet. 

I’ve been in the USA for 5 days now and I still have not been shot.

A better system than Mykey? Is this possible?

I’ve been in Chicago 3 nights and not been shot.  I’ve ridden the subway and not been shot. Twice I’ve been to O’Hare International airport, Chicago’s major gateway to the wider world, firstly after flying from Melbourne via Sydney and Dallas Fort Worth, where possibly the worst part was landing at Chicago and thinking the journey over, only to find that the plane then taxied through what seemed like three suburbs, and an inestimable 20 minutes to finally dock at Terminal Three.  From there it was a seamless passage through baggage collection and onto the nearby subway and an easy journey on the Blue Line to the CBD Munroe Station, just two small block from my hotel.  No complex, gouging, ticket system here, but a simple choice between single ride, 1 day ticket (US$10), or 3 day ticket (US$20), each timed from first use.

The bean.

I was back at O’Hare next evening to meet a friend who’d flown in from Sydney via San Francisco.  She texted me on landing so I eagerly awaited her appearance.  An age later she emerged from the terminal, having taxied for what must be the mandatory twenty minutes.  Again we took the subway, however were the carriage we boarded was found to have an expired passenger.  (It was not his train ticket that was expired, at least I don’t think that was uppermost on anyone’s mind.)   I looked carefully at the expired passenger who was neatly dressed in white shirt and fawn slacks.  The blood stains from the presumed bullets were totally absent.  Guards and other passengers commented on the likely cause of death being heart attack.  Total anti-climax.  Still I warned my friend (of whom I am very fond, and who I would like to keep alive), to be on the lookout for violin cases being carried by men in suits.  We saw none and arrived safely in downtown Chicago.

When in Chicago, Cecil stays at the Tribune. As the flyer states, ” It has no superior’.

On my first morning I’d walked the streets, and strolled through the wonderful Millennium Park, with its brilliant sculptures, Cloud Gate (commonly known as ‘The Bean’) and the pair of fountains with hologram faces changing expressions on one face of each.  Both sculptures are interactive. People of all ages crowding and engaging with both in attitudes of wonder and bliss.  This park is, I think, design of the highest order.  Between this park and the lake (Lake Michigan) is the Frank Geary designed Pavilion and the Maggie Daley Park.  From there I walked the waterfront, then down the river/canal into the centre of the city.  I was not shot.

Cecil’s hotel room.

In fact for the whole walk I saw not a single policeman, and wondered whether that was the reason why I was not shot.  The headline in today’s Chicago Tribune proclaims ‘702 Police shootings and still no charges’.  It seems that over the past 15 years police had shot  people at the rate of almost one a week, and during that time no police had been charged over any shooting.  Some people are concerned about that.  It has been put to me that there is a higher correlation between socio-economic factors and being shot by police than between race and police shootings.  That is it is poor people who commit visible, blatant crimes and most of the poor are First Nation, Hispanic or African American.  The privileged argue that most who are shot have done something to deserve it.

I have still not been shot, obviously not poor enough, obviously too privileged.

Latest news from the pool is astonishing. Are these games bent? Who is bending them?And if they are bent, are they ‘bending it like Beckam’?

Gold at the Olympics. Severe restrictions will apply to IOC officials and Gifts. TO FIGHT CORRUPTION!

The people who run the Olympics, are hell bent on fighting corruption. That’s presumedly why they allowed all the Olympians who were so high on dope last time there was a comp to have a go at Rio. The results have been intriguing. Some of the ex ‘dope-heads’ from non cricket playing countries have won medals. It’s made the clean living, fair minded, predominately cricket playing countries (of which we are one) really cross. We’re cross because we play fair, and train really hard. They do it on DRUGS! It’s just not fair. And, its been going on for years and years and years and every time we find a new detection process they just find another way around it.

The People who run the Olympics have made strident attempts to stem the flow of performance enhancing drugs to athletes, and put in some pretty big sanctions to curb the rot. For example, there’s a rumour going round that the Chinese are trying to beat the system. And though you can’t detect drugs in the Chinese team, even if they were playing ‘straight’, you just cant tell. That’s led to name calling. Though we have no evidence that the current gold for China was ‘untainted’, we’ll have a go and call them out anyway. That’s sportsmanship. And the Chinese will retaliate by laughing about our convict past. Mere sledging. And all good natured sportsmanship in the modern era. Sport is competitive you know and the prestige of nations depend upon it. Just ask Jessie Owens.

Third cousins and over- extended relatives of IOC members will no longer be eligible to trips to Disneyland. FIGHTING CORRUPTION!

Take the Chinese capacity for improvisation. This has already impacted the supply structure within Olympic-dom. And the IOC are on top of it. Rolex watches will not be accepted by IOC officials, unless they are absolutely guaranteed genuine. Gifts of property, straight cash, and indulgences, (first class travel, trips to Disneyland, and shopping sprees in London, Dubai and Paris ) have been severely restricted. Only those IOC officials who accept indulgences in American dollars or gold bullion will be eligible. And there are huge restrictions on nepotism and cronyism. Only direct descendants, children, wives, and uncles and aunties are eligible for inducements and largesse. ‘Third cousins are just not on’, says IOC Chief, Costa Plente.

Jessie Owens suggests to James Hird that drugs have no place in the AFL either.

‘We have stopped the rot, and at this rate only approved countries will be able to stump up for Olympic-dom. ‘And they’re the gold standards. We’ve got bids from Saudi Arabia, Dubai and North Korea which goes a long way to prove that we are truly an international organisation and no loathsome self serving oligarchy of kleptocrats’. ‘At that at this rate by 2096, the games will be 100 per cent clean. And by then the currency of rolex watches and international first class junkets will be a thing of the past. Just another instance of how seriously we are taking the process of reform and proof perfect that the athletes, themselves will be free of the taint of corruption.

It’s not so much a level playing field, but a muddy sloping playing field, in which there’s not a lot of play on the field but quite a bit off it. So what you look at it in balance, the Olympics are still a free expression of what’s possible the unrealised potential of what you can achieve when the spirit of togetherness and the ideals of humanity are united as a singular achievement though sport. And it demonstrates the capacity of all nation states, races and creeds to express themselves and achieve a common norm.

We call it the lowest common denominator’..

 I’m on Nick Xenephon’s side. I’m totally worried, Freaked out by the census.

Nick’s on the job. Protecting us from Big Brother!

It arrived on my door step last week. I left it there, as it was threatening. Unlike what I’d been promised, the informal ‘To the houselholder’, mine just came in a suspicious green envelope with ‘Australian Bureau of Statistics’ written on it. And if that wasn’t enough to scare the be-jesus outta me, I noticed that it had been left there, when I was out. It confirmed in one instance what Nick and his team had already suggested, that somewhere, big brother was following me. I was being shadowed by the state, and there was nothing I could do about it. To be processed and in two seconds flat have my soul incarcerated by BIG GOVERNMENT.

Malcolm’s on the Job. Protecting us from Climate Science!

You see it’s all very well knowing that every time I pick up the phone, or use the computer, i’m being tracked, because that’s just day to day stuff. I know that the emails I get are tailored to someone knowing what I’m looking at, what i’m reading, and what peculiar habits may be linked to a market orientated search engine that just want my raw data for processing. But this is different. This is government, And I ask myself, what has the government ever done for me? Allright I know they paid for my education, got it all for free, and they paid for my healthcare, not that i’m unfit, and in between they paid more or less for roads, aqueducts, (a dip to Life of Brian) and everything I use on a daily basis, but this is a just a step too far.

Government Propoganda Census Poster. Doesn’t the security mesh all over the windows suggest real fear and loathing? The children were counselled afer the contact.

And I’m glad Australian’s are waking up to it. I’m sure our recently elected member of One Nation, Malcolm Roberts would have a view on it. It’s just that Nick’s team got onto it first, but I reckon like the false claims of climate science, and the race hate laws, he’d have a pretty strong view that the Census is just a step too far. Sooner it’s closed down and the forces of planning are just left to big business, the better off we’d all be. So, with trembling fingers I opened the census, and was shocked. They want to know what my name is, where I live, and how much I earn. How invasive of privacy is that! Then they want to know what I do for a crust, am I an owner or a renter, and this is the clincher, whether i’m working or not.

Big Brother hauling off to the gulag, a citizen who filled out their census form incorrectly.

That’s when I threw it in the bin. ‘Worthless rubbish’!! I cried, and having burnt the forms, taken the ash, and buried it, lest the census forensic team, (there’s sure to be hundreds roaming free as I write, ) find it, and fine me. I am safe in the knowledge, like Nick and his team that if it weren’t for smaller parties being able to express an opinion outside the “mainstream” we’d all be on a file somewhere, and processed just like numbers, and in doing so lose our souls to BIG GOVERNMENT.

Now I can get back to filling out the market research form sent to me by Roy Morgan. They’re experts in what really makes society work. The lady was really nice, and you win a cash prize of ten thousand dollars if you’re a successful entry. Gotta get all the boxes ticked, and it took me over an hour to finish the survey. And at the end, the lady over the phone thanked me and told me I was helping Australia. Made me feel very good, that occasionally you can be apart of the big picture. There’s comfort in that.

77 first preference votes. Are you confused by the result? Malcolm Roberts aint.

Erstwhile senator gives stirring rendition of; ‘Ricky don’t loose that number”

It took 77 first preference votes to get him there. And the Liberals and Greens should feel proud of themselves, an own goal. Malcolm reckons climate science is bunk. He’s dead right. On the telly, Malcolm put his business card down, ‘If anyone can prove climate science is not rubbish, let me know’. What proof do you need Malcolm? Your reef is almost 100% fucked. Yet you tell it as it is. That’s what we need in politics, Style. He has scientific evidence, he’s done the research himself.

Now we’ll get a Royal Commission into Islam. And dispose of pesky 18C. Bill Leake has fired the starters gun, It’s On!

The new powerhouse of status quo politics. Enter the GREENS.

Remember when there was a marathon session to pass the senate reform legislation? It passed with the support of the Greens about lunchtime. It was later approved by the House of Representatives, 81 votes to 31. The legislation made it harder for micro parties to get elected, and was opposed by most of the cross bench. It worked like this: Rather than placing a “1” above the line on Senate ballot papers or numbering every box below the line, the proposal ranked votes 1 to 6 above the line in order of their preferences. Minor parties were longer able to swap preferences in order to secure Senate seats. On the night the legislation was passed, it was said the other Malcolm, (Malcolm Turnbull) proclaimed it “a great day for democracy”. Mathias Cormann rejoiced; ‘The bill would empower voters’. And from the safety of the lush green verdure of inner sanctidom, Lee Rhiannon, (NSW Leader of the Greens) decried Labor; “They’ve ended on the wrong side of history, they’ve been left in the back-room and there’s no back-room dealers in there with them,”

Penny Wong abraided the Greens and Coalition “a new dimension of closeness” between the two parties. And David Lyonhjelm, that creature of the DLP right announced; “We are today urging Australians who are sick of professional politicians to send a message to them that you will no longer tolerate having empty vessels occupying seats of our Parliament.” (When the DLP are making sense it’s time to worry).

Keating, some of his best days still in front of him.

Penny and David are on the wrong side of history. A scintillating fragment from the comments section of the Guardian makes some sense. : The real problem with the Senate is that it is, in the words of Paul Keating, “unrepresentative swill.” You identify that WA, SA, and Qld benefit the Coalition greatly in the Senate. These states have a quarter of the population, at a rough estimate, as Vic. and NSW. The vote of a West Australian is worth four times the vote of a New South Welshman. This is a result of our Federation, but it is a federation that was drawn up at another time in history. It is time to ask whether this particular aspect of the Federation, that each state has the same number of seats in the Senate, is really democratic or useful in the 21st Century. This is where i would be looking to make real change. Indeed i would go so far as to suggest we should abolish the Senate altogether, but make voting for the House of Representatives a collegiate system, like the Senate, but where one vote one value is applied. I feel that the changes being made to the Senate seek simplicity rather than to advance our democracy, and will result on a less divers, and more concentrated Senate, which is perhaps going to lead, overall, to a less democratic Senate.

Be careful what you wish for. What is it we have? I thought electoral reform was about Fairness and Progress? Who would’ve thought.

Exhausted from last weeks Tour de Force, and aghast at the goings on in our churches, staff have worked tirelessly to bring clarity to the seminary story.

Cecil opened the batting with this:

There’s a Cardinal here in Australia
Who’s considered somewhat a failure
His name? Who can tell,
Yet he’s going to hell
For fondling young boys genitalia

To which Ira added:

Today’s dispatch is Ethnocide.  Originally dispatched on 20 January 2015

Bonjour mes amies,

My holiday reading included Stephen Clarke’s ‘1000 Years of Annoying the French’, a hilarious yet historically accurate take on English-French relations. That is, hilarious to all but French people and historically accurate from an Anglo-centric perspective.

Greg Champion’s French song….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDVP9KhsCb0

The book included many quotes, such as:
“History is a series of lies on which we agree”- Napoleon Bonaparte.
“English is just badly pronounced French”- Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929) French Prime Minister.
“deGaulle has a head like a banana and hips like a woman”- Hugh Dalton (a minister in Churchill’s government).
The latter quote was subsequently improved upon when paraphrased by Alexander Cadogan (Foreign Office) who replaced the banana with a pineapple.

The French presence in North America started as early as 1524. In 1713 King Louis XIV ceded all of French Canada to Britain (Treaty of Utrecht) including Acadie (Nova Scotia).

To rub salt in the wounds of any French Canadians reading this dispatch, King Louis XIV looked like this:

Small comfort that the ‘Sun King’ carked it two years aprés.

Between 1755 and 1763 an estimated 12,600 Acadiens were deported (out of a total of about 18,000).

Governor Lawrence gave the order to commence deportation. At Grand Pré, empty cargo ships arrived and all males over the age of ten were commanded to attend a meeting on pain of forfeiting goods and chattels.

Colonel Winslow told over 400 assembled men and boys that what he was about to do was very disagreeable to him “as I know it must be grievous to you who are of the same species”. Winslow went on to announce that “your land and tenements, cattle of all kinds and livestock of all sorts are forfeited to the Crown with all your other effects, savings, your money and household goods and you yourselves will be removed from this Province”. To show that the Brits believed in fair play Winslow furthermore told the shocked gathering that “I am through his Majesty’s goodness directed to allow you liberty to carry of your money and household goods as many as you can without discommoding the vessels you go in “. Never mind that after packing in the deportees no room for household goods remained.

[Review of Indigenous Education in the Northern Territory (2014): “The review supports the teaching of literacy in first language where feasible“ . Never mind the several decades in which attempts to make it feasible have suffered persistent socio-political and bureaucratic sabotage.]

Just in case you thought that politically opportunistic lying (such as ‘non-core promises’) was a recent phenomenon, Colonel Winslow promised that “whole families shall go in the same vessel”. Simultaneously Governor Lawrence sent an order to Colonel Monckton: ‘I would have you not wait for the wives and children coming in, but ship off the men without them’

Eventually women and children arrived to join the men, bringing as many belongings as they could carry, but despite British promises, these were left behind on the shore, to be ‘found’ five years later by English settlers.

The Guardian- 27 Nov.2014 (reporting on the closing down of the East Kimberley community of Oombulgurri):

“Finally, the 10 residents who resolutely stayed to the end were forcibly evicted, given just two days notice of eviction and allowed to bring only one box of belongings each. They had to leave behind cars, whitegoods, tools and personal possessions.”

The last (almost three thousand) deportees set sail, packed tightly as slaves in 14 vessels. If the Acadiens had had portholes they would have seen the smoke and flames rising from their settlements, as the soldiers burned houses and barns, to ensure the departure was final.

The West Australian- 26 June 2014:
“The Department of Housing confirmed this week about 44 houses and associated infrastructure like fencing, demountable school buildings, the power house, donga dwellings, various sheds and septic tanks would be buried ‘on-site’”

ABC News- 23 September 2014:
(Aboriginal Affairs Minister) Peter Collier said demolition was necessary to reduce further vandalism and theft, and to leave the site in a safe condition for future non-residential use by the traditional owners.

[Genius!!! Might this non-residential use include exploration for diamonds by non-traditional owners? Might the real reason be to ensure the departure was final?]

C’est pareil, n’est pas?

The self-proclaimed Prime Minister for Aborigines’ Government has cut funding to the  States for services to Homelands. The West Australian Government intends to close down 150 or so Aboriginal Communities…

A song dedicated to Tony Abbott and “Twiggy” Forrest:
Bob Dylan’s Positively 4^th Street:

You’ve got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4cbfqUY2A8

jusqu’à ce que la prochaine fois

François

PS-
Survival International- January 2015:
“Throughout India, thousands of people are being illegally evicted from their ancestral homes in tiger reserves in the name of conservation”.

The tiger, he looked out of his cage and smiled
He said come here boy, I want to talk to you a while
He said I once was running wild and free, just the same as you
But it’s one step from the jungle to the zoo

It’s one step from the jungle to the zoo (woo hoo)
You better watch out or they’re gonna get you too (hm hm)
They’ll clip your claws, cut your hair, make a pussy cat out of you
It’s one step from the jungle to the zoo

He said son when you go running through the grass
You better look out for all the hidden traps
They’ll feed you sweets and goodies ’til you’re too fat to move
Then it’s one step from the jungle to the zoo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2CGYr6xoyE

We at PCbcyCP would like to take out hat off to Mr Malcolm Roberts, the new One Nation member in the senate. Just moments after the federal Science Minister Mr Greg Hunt, (the former worlds best) dedicated himself to re-funding climate science at the CSIRO, Mr Roberts has made it quite clear what he thinks of climate science. Not much it would seem. Big Coal must be truly delighted, and we are absolutely relieved as well. Without Tony, things were getting a bit on the boring side, and old ‘Robbo’, proves once again, that though people may question the overwhelming evidence as is their right, there’s something quaint, about the special capacity of Queenslander’s to bring up the odd anomaly. To give complimentary balance to the likes of George, our very own Christiansen. And give voice to all those marginalised Queenslander’s who stoically believe the earth is flat, and the status of their greatest natural asset, (the Lesser Barrier Reef) immaterial. Our very own version of the Tea Party who have cleverly hijacked the tactics of the left in asserting their underdog status. A clarion call to those amongst us who are more than pre Copernican, but ‘post Gallipollian’, in their outlook.

Apologies. The previous image was WRONG! Though we’re sure the politcian Malcolm Robert’s is potentially a great singer as well as orator, we indulge you with this photograph which is absolutely correct.

Here’s a fragment lifted from the ABC ‘Mr Roberts, a prominent climate change sceptic with the Galileo Movement, also renewed calls for an inquiry into CSIRO’s climate change research. Mr Roberts, whose latest press release stated that he “spent the last nine years working pro bono checking alarmist climate claims”, said he wanted to repeal any legislation put in place “as a result of the claim that humans affect global climate as a result of our use of hydrocarbons fuels, coal, oil, natural gas”. Describing himself as a scientist, he said “we need to stop these ridiculous lies based on climate”. “I went looking into the agencies that have been spreading the climate science”. “I started finding out things about the CSIRO and Bureau of Meteorology. That led me then to the UN which has been driving this. Then I started following the money trails. It’s important to understand the motives.”

Understood! And whilst we’re at it, an insistence that the protective 18C be removed from the racial discrimination act. They needn’t bother, after Bill Leak’s cartoon in the Oz, no one’s clearly interested in niceties.

Rather than debase ourselves with the recent racist Leake cartoon, we ‘d like to indulge you with this splendid page taken from the One Nation children’s reader, ” When I grow Up”. Soon to be adopted by the Queensland Government as the standard reader for all “native” First Australians. Scene depicts “correct” virtues of cleanliness, manliness, housekeeping and appropriate attire.

On a lighter note, as editorial balance, we give you this fragment from a reader, to suggest that there is still poetic grace, and deep reflection amongst the more noble minded. And like those ambitious Queenslander’s who seek to change the world, it’s most reassuring.

‘Dear Siraw Madam, ‘It is, I feel, at this critical juncture, and at this point in time and now more than ever, absolutely necessary to point out our absolute commitment to, and utter concern for, our faithful readership We will not shirk, fail or fall down on this though cowards mock and patriots jeer, or people cross themselves (or the road)  whenever we approach. We must nail our collars to the sticky place and if necessary, act abrasively when we put our shoulders to the grindstone and our nose to the weal (the Commonweal, of course) in the passionate belief that truth will ultimately triumph going forward. This however is not to say or indeed cast aspersions upon the practice of going backwards which must be disassociated completely from that common condition of ‘being backward’ which is both a backward step as well as not the same thing at all.  If a person is discovered to be in fact travelling backwards this condition only ceases to be legitimate if the person travelling backward is actually discovered to be, in fact, backward. In this case it becomes necessary to forward the  backward patient to the back ward of a forward hospital so that he may be moved forward and backward (back ward to  fore ward) thus bringing the backward condition forward and showing we are not backward, going forward, in coming forward. Now if all that is clear…’?

Clear as!

You have our permission to enjoy the weekend now!

Former Russian Winter Olympics Village in Siberia. Now used as a low cost, eco-friendly accommodation for out of favour oligarchs.

Really, dear reader we try not to take things too seriously. The upcoming Royal Commission into alleged abuse at the Don Dale reception centre is just one instance. We know the result, and it makes us catatonic with laughter. We laugh because we know as you do that it’ll make no difference. An ill educated, poorly paid lower tier flunkey will be castigated, some prosecutions may follow. Ultimately the orthodoxy that allows such insanity to continue will carry on regardless. Similarly we know that humanity has nothing to do with the Olympics. Perhaps in Periclean times it may have. Now it’s a macabre, grotesque pantomime of puffed up nationalism, hollowness and the confirmation that society’s descent into serfdom is almost complete.

New Winter Olympic Uniform undergoing trials in Siberia

Perhaps that’s why there’s pull back from the upcoming census. It’s not a fear of big brother, that motivates people not to fill in their census forms, but a fear, (more terrifying) that the data will be stolen. Sequestered by a corporates to be converted into more grist for the mill. Twenty first century capitalism is feeling a lot like nineteenth century capitalism. We all share this sneaking suspicion as economies grind to a halt, and the billionaires consume more and more, that something‘s gotta give. Last time it was a global war. Famine? A super epidemic? Revolution and cataclysmic shock?

It’s something much more banal, it’s anthrax in Siberia.

The permafrost is thawing. Like John Carpenter’s adaptation of the classic ‘Who goes there’?, the thaw in the ice is revealing a terrible reality. Billions of tons of methane, carbon and combustible material is being converted. It’s not the ice caps dear, they’re fucked already. And no one really cares. Nor is it not the Great Barrier Reef, the mangroves, the kelp forests and the biota of this great southern land. It’s something so acute the rest of it pales into insignificance. My advice is, if you’ve had a good life enjoy it while you can. And if you’ve just taken a trip to the United States, savour the last days of an Edwardian summer before the oncoming oblivion.

Accomodation in Siberia. What a hole!

Today all indices of global warming have shown the melt down to be exponential, geometric, off the scale. This will make the Black Death look like a picnic, the First World War a hiccup ,and the eternal unquestionable sacred flame of Gallipoli a pin prick. Armageddon is here, and governments aren’t able to face it. It realIy doesn’t matter about what John, George and Tony did to Iraq and in so doing precipitate the next hundred years war. The next war will be one of resources, for air, water and food to sustain us. And the Earth will exact revenge!!! The future is gone. Hail the cockroaches, or other species that will celebrate the new order once we’re wiped out. We bought it upon ourselves, and naked greed bought us undone. Serves us right.

Artists Impression of new Olympic Village in Siberia for the 2024 Games. Scene depicts Australian winter olympic team completing glorious victory march with torches and fireworks spectacular.

The climate was just too hard for our programmed short termism. Much rather the games and action in the pool cos whilst ‘climate science is crap’, Russia is depleted and that can only mean one thing. Australia may win GOLD!

 Dear reader, we know you’re excited about the Olympics, so here’s the first of our Olympic installments. ‘Live’ as they say from RIO.

‘Zika’ Official mascot of the Rio Olympics. Being trialled by IOC commissioners.

The spirit of Gallipoli is eternal.

A suite of unusual un-official events have followed closely on the heels of the opening of the Olympic village. The large mosquito “Zika” (the official mascot) will fly over the Olympic fraternity, and poor outcast, squatters of the Favella, have volunteered to be cleansed from the Olympic movement by voluntarily relinquishing their homes to developers. A symbol of reciprocity to the IOC officials who have gained so much in the pursuit of international excellence and some small measure of personal wealth to themselves.

The chef de mission of the Australian team, Titty Chilla, has remarked upon how fortunate the team is in having adapted substandard plumbing into ‘a world class upgrade’ ‘The toilets provide all round protection from opportunistic theft, by overflowing and thus creating an impenetrable wall of water. It’s adapted by the periscope rifles used at Gallipoli. Proof once again that Australia is a world leader for innovation’.

Our defence agianst opportunistic theft.

Recent theft from the village is spiraling out of control, with the team losing in one night their mascot, flags, official speedos and condom dispensing machines. Kitty was on hand to describe the latest third world outrage: ‘I can understand the poor wanting our mascots, and superior swimwear, but stealing our condoms is a desperate measure’, and pointing to the burgeoning Faavella’s, ‘it aint working’. A special flight, of RAAF Hercules, laden with official Australian Olympic team clothing has gone missing on the tarmac. The items were recently spotted at Copa Cabana, where it is believed that budgie smugglers are all the rage amongst the more adventurous transgender community. Items of which were observed for sale in the poorer parts of Rio. Or as locals describe it, the other ‘99% off Sale’.

Favella denizens rapturously greet an IOC official party.

Speaking to the Commissioner of Rio police, the crime wave, he likened to a human tide, and he expects, most poor people, ‘to be transmigrated to a jungle somewhere. and their former homes converted into real estate’. He elaborated, ‘It’s a bit like in your country’, (pointing to a map of Australia), once no one wanted to live in these places, but now, it’s some of the most expensive real estate in the world, and like you’ve demonstrated, we just move em on’. Asked if this was a human rights issue? he replied, ‘Human rights? This is the Olympics fer chrissakes,” to whit he convulsed with laughter.

There are no cheap seats these Olympics, only the upper tier of Brazilian society may attend and those with affiliated memberships. Asked who they were, ‘Oh the usual shady characters, IOC officials, international drug runners, property tycoons, Russian kleptocrats, senior members of the Chinese Communist Party, shady plutocrats, bankers, and a special seating reserved for the most powerful man in the world’. ‘Donald Trump’? we asked. ‘Nah, you should know he’s won gold for kleptocracy, your very own Rupert Murdoch’.

Going for GOLD! Former P.M as an ambitious young man.

Former P.M. A shadow of his former self.

Speaking at the podium the former Australian chef de mission, Mr Kevan Gosper spoke of the coming of age of the Olympic movement, ‘I’m justifiably proud, once upon a time the Olympics were conducted as an example of kinship and egality, tempered by athletic excellence. It never worked. Now its sponsored by the IOC, international banking, and corporations to give is the results we pay for. And these results are Gold’. As a postscript it seems unlikely that former P.M Kevin Rudd, will be picking up Gold in his ambition to be Secretary General of the UN. This is a tragic event for another ambitious Queenslander, but perhaps in hindsight in these troubled times represents GOLD not only for Australia, but the rest of the world. It’s symbolic in a way of what we hope to do in the Olympics. Punch above our weight, and bring home GOLD.

Tarquin O’Flaherty, as a young man.

I recently re-discovered a reference by the writer of the Musical Dispatches from the Front, (published in this blog on Saturdays) to a book written by Stephen Clarke with this wonderful title 1000 Years of Annoying the French.  After reading this review I asked the team if any of them had read the book.  Tarquin O’Flaherty came back with this splendid response.

Regarding Anglo-French relations.

There’s a pretence in England, a blind unshakeable belief that some sort of ‘Entente Cordiale’ exists, and has always existed, between the English and the French, that somehow an unbroken chain of kinship has always existed between the two of them. This is (not to put too fine a point on it) exquisite bollox. The reality is that, since Henry  destroyed the monasteries, butchered the monks, stole all their money, then appointed himself head of the (no Popery) Church of England, the English (like all barbarians) have regarded their (Catholic) French neighbours as, well… weird. To begin with, those awkward Frenchies stubbornly refused to become Protestants (how dare they?) even when it was as plain as the nose on your face that it was an increasingly profitable thing to do. Henry the Eighth, for example, became as rich as Croesus by the ludicrously simple expedient of destroying forever some of the greatest medieval examples of perpendicular architecture ever to grace the face of England. Why couldn’t the French do the same? What the hell was the matter with them?

The French, by contrast and to this day, remain as poor as church mice, though their own perpendicularities, most notably those at Rouen, Rheims and Notre Dame, stubbornly refuse to follow the English pattern and become, as in England, architectural graveyards.

Besides hating the French (for both being French and not speaking English) England also hated them for the French Revolution. For certain sections of the community, things had been ‘absolutely super’ in England for centuries. Then the tedious French poor, ‘Les Miserables’ took to the streets,  the Guillotine went to people’s heads and the entire apple-cart was upset frightfully. Suddenly, in England, there was the terrifying possibility that the British lower orders might actually take exception to being treated like dogs and take to behaving abominably, in the manner of the French. This wouldn’t do at all. The English aristocracy, it would seem, had even less enthusiasm for decapitation than their French cousins.  Absolutely against their better judgement, but grudgingly aware of the lack of alternatives, they granted the vote to selected members of the new English middle class, a cut-throat rabble of moneyed factory owners and employers who, immediately on assuming power, implemented laws to control the lower orders!

Now you can plainly see quite how much difficulty the French Revolution had caused the long suffering British aristocracy. If the French had simply held their nerve and killed a few people, much as the English had done, then all would have been well, and normal levels of exploitation might have been resumed without difficulty. But, oh dear me no. Those pesky French…. Is it any wonder the English look upon them with mind-boggling incomprehension?

Stephen Clarke

Of course there is one thing more, one simple thing that really contributes to the English hatred of the French and that is their confounded superiority. The French are past masters of this art and the English truly hate them for it.  The Poms try hard, I’ll give you that, but it’s a pathetic show, a pale imitation. The French are superbly, scintillatingly superior. They can do it with a panache, a Gallic flair that leaves the Brit grovelling in the dust. By contrast, the English, in their misguided attempts to compete, have wholly misread French elan to the degree where they believe that ‘Gallic flair’ is a French pair of trousers.

Essentially, the difference between the two is virtually irreconcilable and may be summed up in the following anonymous observation:

A Frenchman would rather eat well than own a house.

An Englishman will own a house even if he has to starve to get it.

Reservoir,

Brock L. Lee.