“Tudge-ea’ (trans) ‘To behave in public as an upright and god- fearing citizen, to uphold ” family values’ whilst quietly rooting your secretary and installing Rob-Debt to victimise and kill the poor’.

Dear reader , we return to our saga, Ces and Quent determined to get to the bottom of whoever it was who defiled our tea-lady Ms Culthorpe when she took on an intern-ship in our Federal Parliament. Like the absence of imagination in our public policy there’s an all pervading sense of hopelessness as our heroes, Ces and Quent, continue in their fruitless quest to find compassion within  the soul of their captor Sophe Mirabella! Realising how tough a nut it is to be a Fair Work  Commissioner they are resigned to be slotted by the anointed one.  Awaiting their fate they stand stoically as Sophie makes a call on the ancient PMG phone, both of them know whichever way the coin falls, (into the slot), Fate, is not in their hands!

Ces, bruised and battered, was  not for stopping. With a sense of urgency in keeping with those who know they have only seconds to live he stood undaunted. And by cut or thrust of Sophie’s legalistic logic sought common ground. But the ground, was but quicksand under his feet. An  irony amidst the obscenely dry wastes of Central Australia.  Has the sand run through? What of the hourglass? Is our glass half full or empty? Read on, and try not to be surprised in this ‘Tudge-ean’ episode of politics and the dirty art of maintaining message when the airwaves are full to the brim with the emptiness of digital media.

Ces continued his desperate line of questioning; 

‘Well then, what are we doing here? If you already have this slotted for a quick sale, why all the subterfuge about national interest?’  Ces paused for emphasis, ‘seeking preferment as a member of the Fair Work Commission’? Ces’s interlocutory probing was clearly having no effect. He paused and tried a counter approach; 

In this episode of ‘The Hand- maids tale” Tudgey suggests his secretary dresses in red as a ” Fallen Woman” so that he can have compassion for her when he stones her.

‘Oh and bye the way, if this helps at all in your megalomanic deliberations have you paused to consider it’s only twenty days till Christmas’?

‘Bah! Humbug’! And for effect she flicked the ash of her Sobrani in Ces’s face, no mean achievement as he was standing back so as to avoid another bruising encounter with her jack-boots

Tony to Tudgey; ” Jeez Tudgey can I have a crack after you’ve finished with her’?

Sophie snapped back like a whip-crack, and her tongue was almost as sharp as the kick in the shins Ces suffered the last time he tried to reason with her. “That’s just window dressing, to keep the journos, troublemakers and shit stirrers off track. People who don’t share my vision for Australia. People  who are still wallowing in the Whitlam era of pinkish optimism. People who still believe in a fair go and all that BULLSHIT! Baby boomer fossilised detritus, like YOURSELVES !!People who just don’t get it that the world has changed!  People who are weak with sentimentality and compassion for those lower on the social advantage ladder. People who are on the lowest rungs on the ladder of opportunity cos they’re lazy, don’t know hard work and deserve to DIE!

They’re a waste of Time, Space and Energy, and’ …….she tuned to us with that evil grin, ‘people like you’!!

Tudgey’s missus and Tudgey share an ‘open marriage”….shown here with little Tudgey Jnr

At that moment from the furthest reach of the tunnel we saw the faint glimmer of a light, and as it grew we could hear the sound of wheels.  A sound of steel upon steel.  Like a tram, that distant and distinctive screeching sound you get when it negotiates a corner. The metallic dissonance of steel wheels and and the merest hint of of electric motors. “A tram”, A tram is coming” ! Ces exclaimed, look see that light? It’s drawing closer, cant tell if it’s a few hundred yards or a mile off in this gloom, but look it’s getting closer. Ces was spellbound by the shimmering incandescence, and waxed poetically in spite of the fore circumstances, it’s as if, as if it’s a HALO!

Scomo to Tudgey; ” Jeez Tudgey, if only you’d worn the Aussie Flag Face-mask. Sheilas cant touch Ya, and ya can’t hear em squealin either”

The halo of an approaching tram, or for those familiar with underground rail a light rail,  perhaps even an articulated trolley bus? A halo renders precise identification impossible, (like the Coalitions climate policy). We can only timidly conjecture , (as Labor’s climate policy promises) as  to the distinct type of vehicle. But vehicle or not, a shimmering disc of light, some may say “ ‘Halo’ is better than nothing and perhaps these three wise men, Ces, benny- Boy and Quent aren’t’ as buggered as they think. For whatever is coming down the line, as Xmas approaches it could also be Christ’s second coming? A remote possibility, but in the face of things like finding a sexual predator in the corridors of Parliament, not beyond the bounds of hope. Find out in our next Tudge- ean episode, “ I created Robo-debt and it created the monster in me’! Or, “ Three wise men, of the modern-era expose incest, Frankenstein and murder!’.

Will the high viz and attractive Aussie flag face-mask be enough to get the PM over the line? We think so!

Dear reader, once again we plunge back into our saga. Our heroes held hostage by Sophie, and like imagination as a non- existent force in public policy, there’s no sign of any change to the status of our victims. Stuck and isolated, they await the answer to their fate. Telegraphed to them by an operative “out there’ who may still be manning* the antiquated PMG Pay-Phone set up when Australia was set to become a Nuclear Super Power way back in the 50’s. Are those days gone for ever? Or with Sophie at the helm of the Fair Work Commission, can she bring the golden era back? Find out in this next episode, and get a feel for the glacial pace of change in or nations parliament. For change is confronting, and by doing nothing we are at the very least, ‘arguably’, SAFE!

As we recall. The phone was sort of answered, yes indeed a 1950’s taped message, if that’s an answer. What Sophie really wanted was an operative on the inside, who could help us, doomed below the very desert wastes in finding a way out. So we waited…… waited…… and waited. Ces looked at his watch, ‘you know Sophe, its only twenty five days till Christmas’. 

‘Bah!!! Humbug’!! Sophie replied, and for good measure she pulled back the safety on her MP 40. We had to hand it to Sophie, she knew her equipment and was dressed to Kill. 

Will contempt for transparency and a trust for blinds be no barrier to a post politics sinecure? We think so.

For the umpteenth time the recorded message replayed, we waited another hour, Sophie tapping the receiver and giving us furtive looks. We wondered why she just didn’t slot us there and then, but knew as a fully accredited Fair Work Commissioner, process was  paramount. 

Stellar performance should be remunerated post politics

Ces had had enough, he put it to Sophie; ‘What’s it with you Sophie?  Aren’t you rich enough already, what’s with this power thing’?  Ces sought compassion, reasoning surely within Sophe there must be some shred of compassion? Ces proffered the next question; ‘I mean Sophie, with all respect, do you really wanna be like Angus?   He’s establishment, He’s got connections, as Energy Minister with Cayman Island trusts.  He’s making a packet from the Murray Darling and rivers of gold from his dealings with mates like Nev, Twiggy and Mr Wu, but is it really what you wanna be doing? Does this espionage, and world domination thing, (there was a pause as Ces searched for the right epithet) does it…… nourish you as a person’? 

‘Ha aha ha’. Sophie convulsed with laughter, ‘What are you on about, you think I care about humanity? I’m into MONEY!! Get me? It’s always the money. Fuck humanity! And whilst we’re here, when I meet up with Xi, you lot will be just a memory, cos we’ve got this situation in the bag. Crown is just kids stuff, this is the real deal’! And to stress the point she kicked Ces viciously in the shins.

Will base hypocrisy and contempt for the public and due process be enough to win an election? We think so.

Ces  doubled over in pain , holding his bruised legs he hopped about until recovering he blurted, ‘I mean whilst were down here is there anything else we need to know’? He continued against all the odds, searching, delving into a crack, a hairline crevice of compassion. ‘If this is the face of a new Cold War with China, what’s really in it for you? Or was that Cold War rhetoric bullshit that you and Dutto and Pezullo confected just as a smoke screen’?

Sophie turned to us, Ces stepped back lest he get another savage kick in the shins.  The fiftieth rendition of ‘Blue Hills’ over the receiver was in progress, and we could tell she was getting annoyed. 

‘Yep all that cold war rhetoric was bullshit designed to keep the public off the scent. Back then,  as now it was BIG NUCLEAR that really matters. And as far as we were concerned if you were Russian, Yank, Chinese or Pom it made no difference, we had to go nuclear, OR LOSE ‘!!!

‘Lose what’? Ces enquired

‘PROFIT!!. Nuclear doesn’t recognise international borders, it’s in  a way’, she flashed her Argyle spandex and lurex encrusted hand- bag for emphasis,  The JEWEL in the CROWN’!

Ces exasperated; ’Are Crown in on it’?

‘Just another silent partner, you don’t get rich by hanging round with soft spoken professionals, lawyers and journalists, she looked in our direction for a corrective sneer, or people like YOUSE’!

Will naked self-interest, dog whistling and confected conspiracy theories allied to the lowest common denominator be enough to win an election! YOU BETCHYA!

‘So you, you, you, are you the new nuclear envoy who would sell us down for just a bit of plutonium ,is that all there is, have you no national pride’? 

‘Oh I’ve got pride allright, but its nuanced!  Put it this way Angus and I have great friends who happen to go by the name of Vlad and Xi!  Get me’!!

‘We’re all of us in this together, its bigger than the UN, and we don’t have to deal with the bureaucracy and’,  turning to Benny Boy, ‘barrack room lawyers either. And, with substantial reserves of uranium in this shit country,  and just a few native title claims that we can rub out with the next bit of corrective legislation. And, with Gina on the line and Xi in a mood for growth, Angus is keen to do business’. 

‘Business? 

Yep at any cost’. 

At any cost, how the till rings!  For who the till tolls ! Is this all that Sophie has in her bag. Find out in the next diamond tipped episode, “Three  (more) Jewels for Gina’, or : You can have any colour you like as long as it’s GOLD’

Will bags of cash from a corrupted system of donations, lobbyists and vested interests be enough to win an election? If it didn’t you’d have to scratch ya head and ask the reason why?

* We, the editors would like to apologise for this antiquated term, but under the circumstances we felt it approprate to reflect 1950’s values which exist only now in the corridors of our Federal Parliament