Regrettably, we have another tedious tabloid edition of Pcbycp, the thinking persons ” Global Times”. In this episode we delve further into the conflicted interests of our era and wonder where the rule of law has anything to do with decency, respect and honouring the Queen. Sadly, the power of tabloid sensationalism trumps good journalism. And, as the tickets to the Boxing Day test arrived in the mail yesterday, what’s the point in talking integrity? As the Uighur said to the Education officer, or the indigenous youth said upon entering our criminal justice system; “what’s the use”?

Our staff wearing the stylish pcbycp international travel uniform

The saga continues…….

Dear reader, as you recall from the last breathtakingly irrelevant installment, we encountered ‘Big Red’, working with Dyse, on the human rights circuit in Sth Africa. What we didn’t know until the very end, was that Christopher Pyne was in on the action. Why was he there? What was he doing? What were they all doing? And what has any of this got to do with Prince Andrew, the GG, and the fate of the Windsors and Australia as the “Jewel in the Commonwealth” in these vexed times? 

The Poodle

Turns out that Fergie was more of a fixer than the fixer himself.  As a distraction from  the energy charged atmosphere in the room, ‘the Poodle’ pulled something large and bulbous from his pocket, we flinched in anticipation until, with relief, we saw a paw paw. He held out his pudgy hand, and we couldn’t help but notice his immaculately manicured fingers and the cygnet ring “F”. What was the F for we wondered? His beady eyes surveyed the room, his lips pursed onto a tight knot of twisted malevolence  ‘Want some’? 

‘This could be your last squarish meal for some time’? He said.  

Fergie laughed, Dyse just looked angry, and his hands twitched in anticipation. The former Minister for Armnaments and the Military Industrial Complex recognised the pcbycp excursionist blazer, (worn at all civic occassions) and snidely quipped; ’I see the circus is back in town”.  We pretended not to hear, and in a double thrust of repartee we asked Fergie; “You seem to have all the cards in hand ‘the Royal Flush, Dyse  and “the Poodle”? Clearly since the cricket bribes scandal you’re moving up in the world”. 

This cut and thrust repartee, would’ve done Machiavelli proud. 

Now Fergie gets “the Poodle” to open doors for her.

Fergie pretended not to hear, and just with a nod, Dyse was into the fray. ‘I hereby make a citizens arrest under secton 34c of the Miscreant Travellers Act, and summon you to summary trial in secret under  the Border Protection Statutes’. The way Dyse did it was a demonstration of a man at the peak of his powers, and you could tell that in the company of a ‘real royal’, and the armnaments salesman he relished the power and authority. And we could tell by a knowing look, the Fergie rather liked Dyses hands-on approach as well. 

Ces fumed; ‘You cant do this!! We’re in a foreign country, this is not Australia’!

‘Ha Ha’! bellowed Dyse: “That’s what you think, under section15 of the Foreign Transgressors act you can be held in summary detention and extradited back to a secret trial in a jiffy”. 

“On what charge?, 

“Treason”! 

“On who’s authority”? Ces Bellowed

“Potato- Head”, Dyse countered

“That’s ridiculous, on what pretext’?

Dyse came back as quick as a flash; “ For endangering the life of his Royal Highness”. 

‘The Royal what!!’ Ces fulminated.  The truth was inescapable, 

Australia’s own royalty mixing it with sub- royalty.

“My former husband”, Fergie wryly quipped. And then swilling the last of her martini and wiping the cocaine residue from her nostrils she gave us the kiss of death. WE knew that out chances of making the New Years honours list was doomed. 

“On a charge of”,  she looked to Dyse for encouragement, (he had an indisputable way with sheilah’s, even noble ones. ‘ You, You…..’You have damaged the ROYAL NAME’! 

At this we all burst into laughter, the irony was just too much. We were still recovering, when Dyse interjected, with his magesterial powers. ‘In a flash I can summon the security and have you on the next plane back to the Don Dale Detention Centre’!! 

‘Don Dale? (Ces interjected) You’ve gotta be joking, isn’t that the notorious Juvenile Detention Centre In DARWIN’? 

Stumped as to whether the girl on the right is the Poodle, Fergie or Ghislaine. Still the other two look familiar. Must be ROYALTY!

“Yes, but due to the Covid crisis its the only place we can find accomodation for’, and he paused for effect, ‘CONVICTED FELONS’! 

(Good Grief, this is compelling in a trashy kinda way. Apart from apologising and genuflecting upon the altar of Saint Bob of Santamaria, we are afraid that there are at least several more tedious episodes to come. Stay tuned for the next instalment; ‘A Fistful of Francophiles” or ” Life in the fast Ghislaine”……….

‘Punishing, relentless‘. Fred Dostoyevsky, (The Kremlin review of naughty books)

“Instructive, it makes my Tik Tok” Près Xi, (The Peoples Daily)

Ghislaine and her Royal mates in happier times

Dear reader, we apologise for this tacky tabloid edition of pcbycp, but as you may well understand we have to report as accurately as possible contemporary trends and sometimes as a consequence we return to the idiom of paparazzi-type hyperbole. We apologise, but as an affiliated body of the ABC we do what we can within the exigencies of budget restrictions. (Read on)

Now we know where Ghislane is, could someone please help us find Dyse?

Dyse in happier times, working on his first novel, “Touchy-Feeley”.

Following in the recent discovery of Ghislane Maxwell in hiding we’ve been looking for Dyson Heydon, (Dyse to his mates).  We want to interview him for his angle on Prince Andrew. You see Dyse, after doing the Union Royal Commission and attending Liberal fundraisers during the Royal Commission to demonstrate his objective, unbiased findings on UNION BASTARDRY has sort of gone into hiding. We reckon there’s only one reason. Apart from being fingered by sheliahs for being ‘innapropriate’,  he’s a positive dead-set front-runner to be the next GG. And with all this fuss about feeling up Sheilas in the office, we figured he’d probably be in secret talks with Prince Andrew. Giving the Prince the heads up, and general advice on how he can set the record straight. We had no idea he had a record, but I spose between the Prince and Dyse it must be several score and if you put their mate Ghislane into the mix it could be thousands. A heady metric you’d have to agree. That’s how Royalty value adds the free market.What’s this got to do with the price of dead fish in the Murray Darling Basin?

Ghislaine and Andrew in happier times

You see Dyse and Prince Andrew were both front runners to be the next GG. Royal protocol would have it. Just as it is a princely right to have the first “feel’ of any eligible Sheilas.  It’d be Prince Andrews Royal dibs to get the first go as GG. That’s why the palace wont reveal all the papers its had since John Kerr righteoulsy kicked out the Whitlam government, because the Royals still have a possie for one of their ilk to have a red-hot go at screwing the Aussie taxpayer. In as much as they enjoy screwing their own constituency. And lets face it, Prince Andrew couldn’t get a root in a brothel at the rate he’s going. Even a reality tv game show contestant wont touch him now, so the only option left, like the other chinless git who went to Timbertop is the ‘Australia Option’. Particularly now the option of having a bit of a bob each way on Honkers is now gone. The Communist party wouldn’t take kindly, to it, even though they enjoy stashing public funds, accumulating wealth and shaggin any thing in a skirt, they woudn’t take too kindly to Andrew. Andrew is a bit of a diadem short of the crown.

Fergie and Prince Andrew in happier times

So we were lucky to get an anonymous tip-off. We’d gone through the usual channels for dissapearing persons. Interpol, The Federal Police, Victoria Police, Carl Williams, former state Police Commissioners and come up with a complete blank. Things looked grim till we got a tip off from an anonymous woman who went by the moniker of “Big Red”. Turns out she wanted to tell all if we gave her 50 k worth of Macdonalds vouchers, a bottle of Bolly and a night out with the man of her dreams. We could do the first two, but were stumped on the last requirement. Turns out it was a tossup between Emanuel Macron and Justin Trudea. ‘Big Red’ had Expensive tastes. We asked, would Tony Abbott do? And the answer was a qualified maybe, provided we threw someone of experience into the mix.  When we mentioned Craig Maclachlan, the deal was done, and we waitied for the information. 

Dyse is on a speaking tour of Commonwealth nations, talking up the importance of integrity and professional standards in sport. We found him in the Despots lounge at the Stamford Royal in Johannesberg, giving a white-board presentation on racism in sport. Dyse was never one for irony. Dyse is always working on human rights.  It’s what makes him a worthy AO beneficiary. As a high flying silk he knows all about integrity and the invioable truth of the law. That’s why he’s working with the Feds on something just as big as the Union Royal Commission, the prosecution of Witness K and Bernard Noakes. We’d never heard of em, but he told us they were people who breached the law and done terrible things to hurt our international standing, and  deserved the full force of the law. We took him at his word, and then asked, who is this “Big  Red”? He blushed and before we could say Campari, in walked of all people , the woman in red herself, ‘Fergie’. 

Hard at work for the armaments industry; “The Fixer”

Fergie with Martini in hand sized us up, ‘Hello boys, you know what they say?, Better in bed with a woman in red”, Dyse shuffled awkwardly and gave us a Union Bastardry Royal Commission look. 

But that wasn’t what shocked us the most,  because following closely behind in drag with a tiara on his scone was none other than “the fixer” Christopher Pyne himself. . And if you want to know what he was doing there you’ll have to wait for our next installment, “ A Prince in waiting for a real Queen’ or “Fergies feral fling’ . 

“Rivetting” (The Observer). 

Old Trade logo was NAF

WE at pcbycp have a scoop, we were asked by the Federal Government to come up with a new trade logo. We agreed with the department of Trade, Real Estate and Mining, (Australia’s peak body) that the current kangaroo logo was NAF. We had a focus group tell us so. Then we did a think-tank. This one was larger than most. It had comfy chairs, a 1950’s poly-vinyl poof  for us to put our feet on, a packet of Senior Service cigarettes, a full cocktail cabinet and a lava lamp. We were encouraged to be “Creative”.  On the sound system there was only one record, “Barry Manilows Greatest Hits”. Obviously,  this was to ensure we didn’t stay in the think-tank for too long, and would come out with a solution to the vexed question of Australian trade and product identification. And to arrive at a logo that would well and truly belong as an unidsputed part of the Australian subconscious. 

Dyson at his new job. Both women have been given “working with Dyson clearance’.

To help us clarify, we had to fill out a form, and then  the newly appointed Ministerial Secretary for ‘Secret Mens Business’, Dyson Hayden vetted us, and we were in. But not in the Dyson sense if you know whats meant by that.

Feds reckon the old logo was “Too GREEN”

At the end we came up with an over-arching condition, that was one of the stipulations, that we would abide by the principles of ‘CC’.

What is ‘CC’ you may ask? 

‘CC’ is the cutlural underpinning that makes Australia Great. It’s the system that sees any qualified and experienced individual in arts, science, technology, management, you name it, gets passed over by anyone, with a foreign credential. That’s right the CC stands for ‘Cultural Cringe’. The stipulation was our understanding that ‘CC’ was an over-arching principle that no Australian could ever contest. ‘It is part of our DNA’. Dyse told us; ‘look at it, you may have ideas about exceptionalism and indigenous creativity, but at the end of the day we can never be as good as someone from overseas. That’s the taint of colonialism. You can’t get away from it, so you just have to accept it’.

Nationals wanted this as the replacement logo. ‘Likely to offend foreigners’.

The “Poofy” new Logo. Designed by “Australia’s got Talent’.

The last logo, which we’re unsure about was designed by the Manager of ‘Australias got Talent’, it looks a bit like a Covid 19 we agree, but its meant to demonstrate that Australia is progessive, forward thinking and dynamic. And also, without being pejorative, a teensy bit ‘GAY’.  Like a coronovirus, a super nova, an exploding atom, or an open cut from the air. Whichever way you look at it we want you to come up with something more identifiably Australian, whilst at the same time looking,  (think of ‘CC’) like it might have come from anywhere else. That’s what we liked about the AU. It could be Austria, they’ve got folkish costume, and Hansel and Gretel castles. All we’ve got is open cuts and abos in prison. ‘So we don’t want  to look too identifiably Australian, and not yet be international. Do you understand’?

We had to admit, the way Dyse put it, designing an Australian trade logo was a bit like trying to encapsulate an enigma within a paradox. But we knew that whatever we came up with, like Vegemite or a bottle of VB it had to belong. 

We thought long and hard, after the 45th play of ‘Copocapbana’, we’d had enough. And determined on a symbol that is identifiable to every Australian, totemic you might say, and readilly recognisible from people the world over. 

Our new Logo. Iconic, Australian, and likely to be adopted by cabinet.

The bleached dog turd.   It’s both  progressive and traditional,  like a Commonwealth games logo, but more rounded. 

As we put it to Dyse, there’s one on every street corner, and it suggests the arid conditions of summer. Nowhere else in the rest of the world is there such a symbol of dryness, and utter ossification, “Whiteness”. And the timelessness of the Australian continent. And it also represents a common bond we have for mateship and man’s best friend. 

All awhile Miss Rintoul had been silent, and then she piped up. ‘But isn’t it a bit male oriented, what about the role of women in Australian society’?

Dyse made the sort of look he made at the Unions Royal Commission, or the one he kept for the Liberal fundraiser. WE all had a laugh. He pointed back to the think tank and said; ‘ you know luv the problem wth you, is you’re a bit  like deaths in custody. You can cry all you like to your lefty friends, but at the end of the day.  No-one is listening’. 

WE had to agree he had a point. 

Still we hope the dog turd gets through cabinet. 

We know it sort of belongs there.