Regrettably, we have another tedious tabloid edition of Pcbycp, the thinking persons ” Global Times”. In this episode we delve further into the conflicted interests of our era and wonder where the rule of law has anything to do with decency, respect and honouring the Queen. Sadly, the power of tabloid sensationalism trumps good journalism. And, as the tickets to the Boxing Day test arrived in the mail yesterday, what’s the point in talking integrity? As the Uighur said to the Education officer, or the indigenous youth said upon entering our criminal justice system; “what’s the use”?

Our staff wearing the stylish pcbycp international travel uniform

The saga continues…….

Dear reader, as you recall from the last breathtakingly irrelevant installment, we encountered ‘Big Red’, working with Dyse, on the human rights circuit in Sth Africa. What we didn’t know until the very end, was that Christopher Pyne was in on the action. Why was he there? What was he doing? What were they all doing? And what has any of this got to do with Prince Andrew, the GG, and the fate of the Windsors and Australia as the “Jewel in the Commonwealth” in these vexed times? 

The Poodle

Turns out that Fergie was more of a fixer than the fixer himself.  As a distraction from  the energy charged atmosphere in the room, ‘the Poodle’ pulled something large and bulbous from his pocket, we flinched in anticipation until, with relief, we saw a paw paw. He held out his pudgy hand, and we couldn’t help but notice his immaculately manicured fingers and the cygnet ring “F”. What was the F for we wondered? His beady eyes surveyed the room, his lips pursed onto a tight knot of twisted malevolence  ‘Want some’? 

‘This could be your last squarish meal for some time’? He said.  

Fergie laughed, Dyse just looked angry, and his hands twitched in anticipation. The former Minister for Armnaments and the Military Industrial Complex recognised the pcbycp excursionist blazer, (worn at all civic occassions) and snidely quipped; ’I see the circus is back in town”.  We pretended not to hear, and in a double thrust of repartee we asked Fergie; “You seem to have all the cards in hand ‘the Royal Flush, Dyse  and “the Poodle”? Clearly since the cricket bribes scandal you’re moving up in the world”. 

This cut and thrust repartee, would’ve done Machiavelli proud. 

Now Fergie gets “the Poodle” to open doors for her.

Fergie pretended not to hear, and just with a nod, Dyse was into the fray. ‘I hereby make a citizens arrest under secton 34c of the Miscreant Travellers Act, and summon you to summary trial in secret under  the Border Protection Statutes’. The way Dyse did it was a demonstration of a man at the peak of his powers, and you could tell that in the company of a ‘real royal’, and the armnaments salesman he relished the power and authority. And we could tell by a knowing look, the Fergie rather liked Dyses hands-on approach as well. 

Ces fumed; ‘You cant do this!! We’re in a foreign country, this is not Australia’!

‘Ha Ha’! bellowed Dyse: “That’s what you think, under section15 of the Foreign Transgressors act you can be held in summary detention and extradited back to a secret trial in a jiffy”. 

“On what charge?, 

“Treason”! 

“On who’s authority”? Ces Bellowed

“Potato- Head”, Dyse countered

“That’s ridiculous, on what pretext’?

Dyse came back as quick as a flash; “ For endangering the life of his Royal Highness”. 

‘The Royal what!!’ Ces fulminated.  The truth was inescapable, 

Australia’s own royalty mixing it with sub- royalty.

“My former husband”, Fergie wryly quipped. And then swilling the last of her martini and wiping the cocaine residue from her nostrils she gave us the kiss of death. WE knew that out chances of making the New Years honours list was doomed. 

“On a charge of”,  she looked to Dyse for encouragement, (he had an indisputable way with sheilah’s, even noble ones. ‘ You, You…..’You have damaged the ROYAL NAME’! 

At this we all burst into laughter, the irony was just too much. We were still recovering, when Dyse interjected, with his magesterial powers. ‘In a flash I can summon the security and have you on the next plane back to the Don Dale Detention Centre’!! 

‘Don Dale? (Ces interjected) You’ve gotta be joking, isn’t that the notorious Juvenile Detention Centre In DARWIN’? 

Stumped as to whether the girl on the right is the Poodle, Fergie or Ghislaine. Still the other two look familiar. Must be ROYALTY!

“Yes, but due to the Covid crisis its the only place we can find accomodation for’, and he paused for effect, ‘CONVICTED FELONS’! 

(Good Grief, this is compelling in a trashy kinda way. Apart from apologising and genuflecting upon the altar of Saint Bob of Santamaria, we are afraid that there are at least several more tedious episodes to come. Stay tuned for the next instalment; ‘A Fistful of Francophiles” or ” Life in the fast Ghislaine”……….

‘Punishing, relentless‘. Fred Dostoyevsky, (The Kremlin review of naughty books)

“Instructive, it makes my Tik Tok” Près Xi, (The Peoples Daily)