Leadership. Another shining example of Queenslands predominance ” Uber alles”.

We’re  with Fraser Anning, on this un. WE at pcbycp have never ever heard of the term “Final Solution”. And we’re so suprised that Mrs Coldtarts effort to get a pie warmer installed in the office kitchen has raised such an uproar. 

Oratory skills practised from this bloke. LNP Fundraiser Silvio Machete.

It happened last week. In order to cope with the mountain of letters we get from the public congratulating us on our merger with the Nine Group, we’ve had to upgrade the kitchen and install some mod-cons to cope with the journalists, well- wishers and general public who just want to come along and experience the gemutlichkeit, (we’d never heard that word before) of being part of pcbycp. We were also quite surpised when Mr Cricklade our typesetter, filled out a quiz (adjacent the crossword) for a government grant to help with retraining foreign workers. WE were quite surprised when we got five hundred million dollars, (no strings attached),  from the Federal Government. That has helped with raising money for the pie warmer, and allowed us to think Big. “REALLY BIG”, about doing something about the cockroaches in the kitchen. 

You see ever since we employed Mohammed Farkin-ell as the kitchen hand things have gone from bad to worse. Mr Wanslitt the letter opener reckons it’s because Mohammed is sloppy with the left overs, and Mrs Crinklade had heard that “they” don’t prepare vegemite sandwiches the way ordinary folk do. All along the cockroaches were getting worse. Just the other day Miss Adjunct found one in her tea, and the final straw came when Lawrie opened up his Best Bets and the form guide had been eaten right through by cockroaches. So we had a meeting and decided the best way to deal with the problem was invest the five hundred million in getting new staff, a helicopter and invite captains of industry to have a party with us. WE chose a remote location, cos we wanted it to be exclusive, and had a great weekend. Though we can’t remember what happened when we got back. 

Blokes you can Trust! And the bloke on the left only got nineteen first preference votes.

Clarrie had been through enough, and Mohommed was sent packing. He reckons his “ilk” have no place in ‘Straylia’, and who are we to disagree? He reckons they’re responsible for the plague of cockroaches and we need to set up a place of concentration, a  “concentration camp” for “his ilk” before setting them off anywhere else. He reckons the cockroaches and the likes of Mohammed are linked. He says that’s the finding that came from the research provided by those nice people in the IPA who came along on the junket to that island off the Great Barrier Reef. 

Dunno who these blokes are. But we’ve heard they knocked off the cockroach problem and made the trains run on time. Possibly cos they wore flash Border Force Uniforms.

We’re all relieved. Not just a final solution, but a simple solution. He also reckoned we should annexe, (peacefully) New Zealand. He liked to call it an ‘Anschluss’, (never heard that term) and we could get is started by burning down the Parliament and blaming it on Mohammed and his ilk. We think it’s a cracker of an idea. And with the money, we have bought some rocks to throw at shop windows. Shops only owned by “them”. It’ll keep “Us” pure he reckons. Cos it’ll keep the “ untermensch” (never heard that term) out once and for good. 

And protect us from the cockroaches.

A final soution. 

Really can’t see what the fuss is all about. 

Ordinary, (poor) Australia Shops here!

We pay politicians good money and know they get the benefit of annual wage indexation , a benefit that ordinary wage earners may dream of, to tell it straight.  That’s what we pay them for.  And we’re glad to report that our favourite Aussie Battler politician, Mr Barnaby Joyce is at it again. Giving  the electorate a dose of reality. 

Barnaby knows what the average Australian is thinking. He knows the meaning of average. Not just because he stays in rent-free digs, has a HUGE parliamentary allowance for this “that and the other thing’. And the “other thing” is what ordinary blokes think. He’s spot on. Though he’s never lived as an ordinary bloke, safe, sinecured and superannuated. He dons his hat that’s as big as Queensland, and “Bingo”, he’s a conduit for ordinariness. 

This man represents poor Australia. His colleagues nod to the wisdom that poureth forth. And he wears a hat as big as Queensland.

And we applaud him. On Climate change. On the Great Barrier Reef. On the Murrary Darling. Land clearing anywhere, he knows what ordinary blokes think.  They’re with Barnaby on this one. They don’t care. You see Barnaby reckons blokes in pubs, ordinary mum and dad Australians don’t care when theyre shopping at K Mart about energy. He knows that whatever goevernment of any description do , the masses just take it up the arse. Like Huge Energy bills derived from the idiocy of neo-liberalist ideology. They’re happy that successive regimes of ideological idiocy have skewed the energy debate for their own very short term interests. Interests that having nothing to do with good governance. Rent-seeking interests. Barnaby’s glad as a consequence, ordinary folk are paying a fortune. Like Barnaby, Keeps them humble. And greatful for his wisdom.  

So when Barnaby tells is that people who shop at K mart, (you will not find an Akubra there) and when he goes to the pub, (not to drink with the locals, because he’s not one of those) he knows what’s good for them. And he wants them to know that they don’t care about energy policy. They, unlike Barnaby don’t get the benefit of mates in the coal industry to pay for their business class trips and present their ideology at climate forums for looneys. But though these poor people shop at K Mart and Barnaby identifies with them, he knows that they hate anything green, or progressive or forward thinking. 

Man of Wisdom winking to the electorate. A signal that he understands their poverty, and would try it if he weren’t so important.

Cos barnaby knows they hate CHANGE. And they’re Poor. And even if they go broke cos the government doesn’t give a stuff about ordinary people, Barnaby nows they’re safe, smug and content, in poverty and ignorance. Cos Barnaby tells em so. 

And the coral polyps know. The suffocating fish in the Murray Darling basin know it. And the Forest creatures know it. That if you’ve got good mates like Barnaby, he’ll kill you to make the planet a better place for ordinary Australians. All of humanity  is sick from knowing stuff. Knowing about the environment, education, gay marriage, anyfink! Barnaby knows that if you shop at K mart or go to the pub, you’re fodder. Fodder for the man who pretends to know what you are, and puts your ilk into an accessible vessel. A basket of sorts. But what kind of basket you may ask?. 

Barnaby may know the answer to that,

Another Great Australian politician who identifies with ordinary Australians.

But its deplorable. 

. 

(This is the first part of  Musical Dispatch from the Front of 6 October 2013.  Use Google Translate for text you cannot understand.)

शुभ दिन अपने दोस्तों और अन्य लोगों

Unlike many of my Aboriginal friends, neighbours and family, my father lived to a ripe old age (91). He grew up as a Dutch child in pre-war Germany. His ‘native’ command of the German language stood him in good stead and on several occasions saved his life in occupied Holland.

I remember asking him (in Dutch) what he thought of the (first) Iraq war, which had just broken out. He answered me in German:

“Wie man in den Wald hineinschreit, so schallt es wieder heraus” (As you shout into the forest, so it echoes back out)

A favourite German expression of dad’s was ‘Man muss dass können begreifen’ (an imperative: one ought to/should be able to understand that)

Before babies can walk and talk they will ‘bob’ to music. No matter what their skin colour or the language spoken by their families, they dance to music, any music, before they can speak and sing.

Music and dancing transcends race and culture.

I remember old man Granites doing a very graceful dance with a spear in our lounge room at my birthday party. Emanating from our record player were the Rolling Stones. His mates were clicking boomerangs.

Even if not a single word is understood music can ‘speak’ to you, it can make you get up and dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBCytQZvOMo

For my birthday Jon Altman gave me a copy of his latest book: ‘Arguing the Intervention’.  The front cover painting is by Chips Mackinolty. He painted it in 2007 as his response to the Intervention. It is titled ‘…and there will be NO dancing’ Ich begreife dass.

Recently on ABC TV the film ‘Big Name No Blankets’ was shown, it is  a documentary on the all too brief life of George Rrurrampu. George came from Elcho Island. His mother tongue was Gumatj. It is not well known that before joining Sammy Butcher and Neil Murray and others as lead singer in the newly formed Warumpi Band in 1980 he lived in Yuendumu. He learnt Warlpiri and rendered a number of ‘Top End’ stories into Warlpiri readers for the bilingual programme. These booklets are much liked by Warlpiri children even today on the few occasions they get to see them.

George sang with the Poor Boys, one of several bands that had sprung up in Yuendumu. Our open garage with its extension lead power hosted a large number of young musicians (mostly men). Wendy at school staff meetings was often urged to tell the musicians to turn down the volume, or to turn off the power. She suggested they should ask them themselves. “But it is your power!” she was told. Schoolkids would surround our garage and dance. The volume remained. Wendy did not feel the urge to abuse her power. The garage is no more, the Department of Education replaced it with a security cage to lock your vehicle in.

Nine could be “well served” by taking a leaf out of the Murdoch press.

And this letter from Iver Beddinsore:, “Good on the Federal Government for making it easier for big businesses to get BIGGER. As a consequence they need HUGE TAX CUTS!. And we would like to thanks Fairfax management for making it HAPPEN!

The Murdoch press leads the world in quality hard hitting investigative journalism.

I want it to be taken on notice, the people in my special accommodation home applaud the takeover of Fairfax by the Nine network. For too long we’ve complained about articles that take more than ten seconds to read. Of particular distaste are articles that don’t have picture of a near naked female, a battered wife or a suspect with “Rapist” superimposed over the top. 

We find the Fairfax committment to quality journalism skewed against attractive radio and TV personalities. For instance we were very glad that Michelle Grattan left Fairfax so that someone much better looking could take the reins. And now with Fairfax being subsumed, we can now expect it to look like the Murdoch press with informative articles. Articles based upon what people really want.  On clean coal. The Aussie cricket team. Home improvement, and where to get bargains at Chaddie.

Worthwhile investigative stuff like “Sixty Minutes”, in which really important people like John Howard can give their view on life, politics and Australia’s bright future (for those prepared to work). Bit like Bob Santamaria used to do on ‘Point of View”. 

And facts you can TRUST!

That was the problem with Fairfax, it assumed that people wanted to be informed about corruption, conflict of interest and the concept of a “society”. When in actual fact people are more interested in shaming people who are different, don’t like footy and may wear head scarves. Nines’ policy is  simple. “ Others” don’t exist. Nine values the status quo, and is committed to keeping everyone ‘ SAFE”, In a nine-ish sort of way. 

WE have some tips for the Age and the Sydney Morning Herald. Sack your journalists and employ entertainers. On that point Alan Jones and Andrew Bolt are entertaining. It’s not what they say, but how they say it. We need more of that on telly and more of it in the papers and besides; “who reads papers anyway”? 

And pushing for equality, and representing the opinions of minorities.

A lot of the stuff you read in newspapers is boring. The Fairfax crowd could offer so much more on home improvement, decoration ideas for the kiddies bedroom, and what to do for your daughters eighteenth. And much better coverage of what telly stars and movie stars are doing as news.  Channel Nine executives have done more to lift people out of poverty than any government program. Take the reality show “Apprentice”, “Australian Ninja” and  “Master Chef”, It gives people a real lift, and a chance to have themselves valued by the public for what they are. How they go about cooking presents “VALUES” . Which in turn inspires  us all through product endorsement, media guest spots, advertising and franchise marketing opportunities, That’s news. 

And all the rest, we’re very glad to say is HISTORY!

Yours Iver Beddinsore c/o the IPA P.O Box 666

As promised, (dear reader) another helpful suggestion from a correspondent from the near north Elvis Presidente. In this spirited missive he points to an entirely innovative way in which Fairfax may re- equip its stable of journalists, and give them the means to literally “Fly”.

Fairfax journalist admires  weekly salary post Nine merger.

I think you’ll agree this suggestion, clearly and succinctly put should go to the highest level, and be a game changer for journalism and media coverage globally.

He writes:

‘Your perspicacity, Sir! Your almost ineffable perspicacity, Sir, is easily comparable with that  final arbiter, that veritable fount of illimitable illumimation, the very Delphic Oracle itself. (Cackling and dessicated harridans, given to gibberish, notwithstanding)….

It has occurred to me, in one of those moments, those sublime moments, given only to the Illuminati, that there may be, should the slightest flaw (an unthinkable eventuality)be discovered in your Morse Cordial plan, that a possible alternative might be considered.

You might remember, in the distant past, that whenever one made a purchase at a reputable department store such as David Jones or Harrods, by an ingeniously intricate overhead means, one’s cash and invoice was conveyed by overhead wires to a central point, where, having  verified the transaction, ones change and receipt were returned to the purchaser, in a tightly sealed container, on the same wires.

Well now, and if you are still with me,  I would dare to suggest, to propose, as ’twere, that this system might, in secret, be expanded into the Great Outdoors. Consider this:

All over this country, by every road, field and, (god help us) super highway, there are wire-strung telegraph poles. It would surely be possible, by nocturnally surreptitious means, to convert this massive complexity to carry our  Harrodian style message to the far and nether corners of this land.We would of necessity, be required, should our shuttling containers arouse the interest of the authorities, to disguise our intententions. This might take the form of an aerial luncheon delivery service, or even urgent medical supplies.(re-cycled prophylactics perhaps might deter more intimate investigation)

To bring about a central dissemination of information centre, would only require a body of look-a-like Council workers, in concert with appropriate equipage. Nobody would raise a single suspicious eyebrow should a telegraph pole or two appear unexpectedly here or there, particularly as there is so much incomprehensible NBN work going on all round us.

Planned central receiving station for messages being trialled at Asio headquarters. (Photo Courtesy Peoples Republic of China).

I believe these ideas have merit and would be grateful for your views. I feel, also, however, that yours is a masterly plan, and as such, is incapable of failure.

El Presidente

10 Sweeney Court Body Corp.

Letters have been pouring in on how to cope with media non Fairfax. 

And it’s gratifying to see just how many of our readers are abreast of the latest technologies and media production and are full of stimulating ideas on how we should adapt to this new era, moving forward. WE apologise for using the term “moving forward” as it bespeaks of “managerialism” and we don’t believe our readership needs to be insulted by such weasel words, but by doing so we demonstrate our credentials in being able to disciss with some measure of authority without question. And besides, if we don’t use terms such as “moving forward” our advice will be unnaceptable to the accountants and merchant bbankers who now run NINE. And that would diminsh the quality of expert thought at thier disposal. And thus be passed onto you the reader. With dire results.

Fullerphones at work. Keeping our telecommunications in OUR HANDS!

And here’s just two that we’ve sent on to the nine executive team and know that without a scintilla of doubt they will take it on. The first is from Penleigh Postlethwaite of Punchers Rd Freckleton. Penleigh writes:

‘The problem with newspapers is that they’re written on Paper. That’s expensive and not good for the planet. Plastic aint good either, and we’re awash with it. There has to be a better way, and surely, the Fairfax Board aint blind to imagination and ‘pushing the envelope’.

Though typesetters, compositors, die cutters, machinists and paper boys are a thing of the past I believe there is a bright future for wireless delivery of newspapers as Morse.

Madge Coldtartt. Our pcbycp telephonist now working for Nine. (happily)

Each house would have a morse teleprinter, and children would be weaned from their electronic devices to decode the morse messages and convert them into beautiful, (special tuition would be required) copperplate handwriting.

With the rebirth of these skills, we would subvert, in the nicest possible ways the mendacious megalomania of that scoundrel Lord Rupert of everything.

And in doing so establish the worlds most complete Morse Super Highway.

And stop in their tracks the nefarious Chinese from intercepting our media and infiltrating our intelligence services.

And, this is the stunning bonus, give a whole new generation of young Australians a skills set that are unique. And in one fell swoop, destroy the monopolisitc tendencies of those who would mould our thoughts and make us think in plastic.

Attractive females increasing readership by reading the weather report off a blue screen. Nine proving its capacity to employ people from diverse backgrounds.

Another demonstration of Nine’s committment to diversity. This lady journalist may not be married.

I am working on an up-dated morse teleprinter and fullerphone receiving station at this instant and may require additional input. And it is in my opinion as a core selction criteria for our startup receiving staion that we require very attractive females who can both give and receive important messages. This is an unlterable fact.

Nine cannot fail us!! For they have in my humble experience tirelessly and courageously  presented the news and current affairs in  a most satisfactory and even handed manner. With very attractive females presenting the weather, and light hearted moments of news coverage. This is a pure demonstration of quality journalism.

May Kerry Packer rest in eternal pieces. 

The Wood-Cutter

This Dispatch is from 15 December 2010, and, sadly, still as current as the day it was first published.  (Use Google Translate for foreign text)

अच्छा दिन मेरे दोस्त

A documentary on SBS reminded me that many moons ago I read several Hunter S. Thompson books. I like to think some of Hunter’s writing rubbed off on me: Fear and Loathing under the Intervention.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVT2tAV_66k

Hunter S. wrote that there was a rumour that Edmund Muskie (then running for President) was alleged to be addicted to a little known drug Ibogaine. Hunter S. started the rumour.

I herewith start a rumour: There is a rumour that Mal Brough and Jenny Macklin are both alleged to be addicted to Ibogaine.

I haven’t been able to come up with any other explanation for their politically motivated attack on Aboriginal Australia.

On the news last night: An NT enquiry has not come up with any explanation for the $70 million that is missing from the “Closing the Gap” SIHIP (Strategic Indigenous housing and infrastructure program) initiative.

Hunter S. supported George McGovern’s Presidential campaign. McGovern’s main platform was that: The war in Vietnam was a mistake and we should withdraw immediately. McGovern lost.

Kevin Rudd and now Julia Gillard (both also alleged to be addicted to Ibogaine) should have said: The NTER Intervention was a mistake and we should withdraw immediately. Kevin didn’t and Julia won’t. Their humanity and common sense are dwarfed by their fear of defeat and their determination to cling to power.

Mind you, if they withdrew the Ginger Bread Men, I am at a loss to imagine how we’d manage without them. How could this society function without the bee-watcher-watchers?

Last week a young lady that grew up in Yuendumu rang from Stirling (500Km or so by road) enquiring if we were buying seeds. She turned up with some relatives and her two small daughters.

They’d brought Watiyawarnu (Acacia Tennuissima), Paturtu (Acacia Melleodora), Manja (Acacia Aneura), Kanalarampi (Acacia Cowleana) and Wakulpiri (Acacia Coriacea) seed.

When I spoke (bad) Warlpiri to their mother, the little girls (around 10 years old) were surprised and amused, so I struck up a conversation with one of them (in Warlpiri). Yes, she spoke Warlpiri at home, and yes she was going to school, and so on. With justified pride their mother told me that her daughters spoke four languages (Anmatyere, Alyawarra, Kateij and Warlpiri). As an afterthought she said “and English”. When the seeds were being weighed, the little girl named them (in Warlpiri).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnHoqHscTKE   I don’t believe in an Interventionist God….

A father of five works for us, but only manages part time hours. He spends much time pushing a pram.

Presumably based on “information received”, Yuendumu police were looking for him. They eventually caught up with him out the front of the Intervention Store. For all to see they proceeded to search him for drugs. They made him take off his shoes etc. They found nothing.

Whence the presumption of innocence? Whence the due respect of discreetly searching him at the Yuendumu Police Station?

Everyone thought that there was nothing wrong with this kuntangka (shame job) situation, this humiliation. It was seen as normal. These are truly a conquered people.

So will they re-introduce tar and feathering and the stocks? Why not!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LgkuPfcN3c  The Police….”I’ll be watching you!…”

Long gone are the days of men choosing a wife.  Women are having an increasing (and some would argue justifiably so) say in choosing their partner.  I well remember a former woman member of the Australian parliament stating clearly what she looked – someone with a sizeable package.  I doubt that I would measure up.

the package

(Of great concern in this emphasis on the package may encourage even more middle aged men to wear lycra, and do strange things with vegetables.)  However this politician added that the prospective mate must also have a pile.  Again I doubt that I would measure up.   For centuries now in those bastions of female liberation, the United States of America and in all of Scandinavia, women have been advised to look closely at a man’s pile, for from the state of his pile his character can surely be gauged.

For the benefit of those looking for a mate we offer the following Norwegian interpretations on various piles:

Upright and solid pile: Upright and solid man

Low pile: Cautious man, could be shy or weak

Tall pile: Big ambitions. but watch out for sagging and collapse.

Unusual shape: Freethinking, open spirit, again the construction may be weak.

Flamboyant pile, widely visible: Extroverted, but possibly a bluffer

A lot in the pile: A man of foresight, loyal

Not much in the pile: A life lived from hand to mouth.

Pedantic pile: Perfectionist, may be introverted

Collapsed pile: Weak will, poor judgement of priorities.

Unfinished pile, some lying on the ground: Unstable, lazy, prone to drunkenness

Everything in a pile on the ground: Ignorance, decadence, laziness, drunkenness or possibly all of these

Pile made of whoppers:  Has a big appetite for life, but can be rash and extravagant.

Old and new piled together:  Be suspicious, could contain ill-gotten items.

Of course this is all about a person’s wood pile, the truest measure of a real man. And just three more categories to help with the choice:

Large and small logs piled in together:  Frugal.  Kindling sneaked in among the logs suggests a considerate man.

Rough, gnarled logs, hard to chop: Persistent and strong willed, or else bowed down by his burdens.

No woodpile:  No husband.

Should people follow this evidence based advice we foresee a bleak future for divorce lawyers.

Now for a couple of very poor reproductions of representative piles or try this link for even more spectacular results

Mighty Fine Pile

Fishy Pile