Foreign Policy and MOABB

American Fleet during re-enactment of Battle of Tsushima Straits

Dear reader, at last some positive news on the foreign affairs front. Even as we write an American fleet is performing a historical re-enactment of the Russian Baltic Fleets stupendous effort to do battle with the Japanese in 1905. Later famously known as the Battle of the Tsushima Straits, or (‘Another bad day not so good Imperial Russian Navy’ in the official Histories of ‘Make Good Russian Foreign Policy for vanquished subject Peoples Everywhere’, 1908, (reprinted 2017), the head of the US Military, Major General Wilton Bollocks-burger, had this to say;

‘America will do whatever it has in its power to protect freedom. In Syria, we will show no tolerance to agressive behaviour, and will do our utmost to protect little chillin from gas attack. Likewise we want to make a demonstration of the awesome capacity of US Seapower; ‘the most expensive in the world’, to punch the pudgy pug nose of would-be dictators.
We’ve had enough of soft of diplomacy. Kim Jong-Un will be Un-done!

Foreign Minister really angry about States Rights!!

Meanwhile, in Australia, the Federal Government is busy working out why they’ve sold all their natural resources and energy freely to overseas multinationals. Seems the only persons left to blame are the greens. ‘They’ve stopped our capacity to drill for gas in any of the places not yet sold off’, a vexious Minister for Energy fumed. ‘The states don’t want to mine their national parks, and what hasn’t been sold off is tied up in Green Tape’. And to prove just how angry he is, he has cancelled 457 visas for dog handlers and flight attendants.

But in a show of alternate foreign policy in a world of alternate facts and reality itself, the Foreign Minister Julie Bishop has unveiled a weapon that is sure, once and for all, to end the crisis in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, or anywhere else the wisdom of the “coalition of the wiling” has sought fruition.

In an unveiling at RAAF Amberley, the Foreign Minister unveiled the ‘Mother of all Bon Bons’.

“Men and Women and LGBTI people of Australia, this is the future of Australian Intervention. When we drop the MOABB on Afghanistan, or some such other place not yet annointed with the enlightenment of civilisation, it will transform foreign affairs FOREVER’. For too long we’ve relied on the doctrine of Forward Strategic Defence, and for too long we’ve relied on the nuclear deterrent as the ultimate instrument of foreign policy. Australia is a middle ranking power, and cannot exert the same influence as our braver and bolder allies. That’s why the MOABB is a game changer.

Once dropped from a height of 30, 000 feet, the candy coloured Christmas Cracker disintegrates and from the bowels of the worlds biggest bon bon, rains a constellation of tasty treats. Children’s toys, medicines, furniture, televisions, game- boy’s, transistor radios, and millions of pre-decimal pennies. Each little gift is gift wrapped and is adorned with kisses and a map of Australia.

Foreign People, rejoicing in Australian Aid, MOABB and Pennies from Heaven.

And Why. To make allies from former enemies and prove there’s no point in catching a leaky boat to Australia. And thirdly, to our detractors at home that say foreign aid is too expensive. For poor benighted folk anywhere, it’ll be raining pennies from heaven’. (thunderous applause)