More analysis of the Northcote by-election

Endangered in the inner North.

The Northcote by-election statistics are stunning, and perhaps worth a detailed look. Afghan hound ownership increased by 15 % over the past five years, pushing out those who own Labradors, Aussie Terriers and Jack Russell’s by a further 25 basis points. Those who own more than two dogs rose considerably with Chihuahas, Toy poodles and Shitsu’s showing substantial gains in inner city high rises which coincides with a drop-off in ownership of Tabby’s and ginger domestic cats. Of further interest, the ownership of budgies in cages, and cockies has also shown steep decline in the Northcote, Fairfield and Brunswick west areas, and seems to be confined solely to the fringe of older Housing Commission flats fronting the Merri Creek boundary.

People with an affiliction for religon has declined across the entire electorate, whilst those who perceive to have a belief system other than god has risen markedly. Druids, practitioners of other cults, Steinerism, Montesorri – ism and Pilates have skyrocketed, with nodes of intense activity along the High Street and Plenty Road Corridors.

Pilates, the “Power of One” triumphs over Team Sports.

Similarly fitness establishments and wholistic food and wellbeing centres have also burgeoned, with latest figures showing a complete vanquishment of the corner milkbar and smaller mixed business. At current predictions, fish and chip shops will cease to exist. And meat pies will only be obtainable on special consignment with medical certification. Only pilates and mediation yoga will endure along the shopping strips, and all other day to day household items will have to be transported via Uber, Amazon and what’s left of Coles and the Woollworth’s Franchise.

Ancient customs will slowly die out.

Engagingly whlst home ownership is unnafordable within the electorate, and the rate of long term renters is up, the established and documented incidence of Yak, Orangutan or Nepalese fighting poodle adoptions is on the rise, with sponsorships at record levels. Support for asylum seekers has gone through the roof whilst dual or single occupancy of single dwellings is peaking at stratospheric levels. Bicycle ownership has increased along with installation of Rooftop solar and the ratio of one Vespa per person per household. Traditional local pubs have closed down. Barrista employment opportunities are off the scale. With an accordant dimunition in the participation on traditional methods of socialising. The decline of Cricket, footy and community sports group participation have been offset by wholistic well-being, pilates, yoga and U3a participation in acordance with record sales of self- help literature and mindfullness guides. Whilst incidental sales of Subaru Foresters and Porsche Touareg’s continue to climb.

Labor protects sinecures for lacklustre pollies who don’t know how many houses they own.

Surprisingly the Labor Party has not changed its policy of putting party hacks and cronies into the pre selection, and believe same ol same ol principles of second rate rusted on “yes men and women” a long term sensible aprroach of doing nothing and hope the public are ignorant enough to think that ‘same ol’ is an important political strategy. Whilst the Liberals don’t even bother fielding a candidate. And the word for the future, ‘barrista’. A barrista led recovery is imminent and all the indicies are “ Up”.

Which is exceptionally good news for housing prices. With all that greenism and the knowledge that Malcolm ‘Climate-denyer’ Roberts has been put to the electoral sword, house prices can only go up. Not good for the losers, those who must rent for all eternity, but by not owning a house they too can prove their green credentials by not owning a car, and giving up their car space for those of us who have a third car, a hybrid, which must be kept out of the sun. Or the paint will fade.