Execs with fancy names do it for mining.
Is there a link here?
Jean Jacques, last heard sharing a trade board pozzie with St Tone of Santamaria in the U.K
Now that Jean Jacques has been given the boot we’ve been keen on following up on some innovative investigative journalism. Why do mining and energy execs all have fancy pants double – barrelled names?
Is this fair you may ask?
Well, it’s purely subjective, but after Jean Jacques fell on his sword, we were rung up by Champion de Crespigny. Miss Sproule the office assistant got the spelling wrong and when we looked at the teletext it was written ‘Champignon de Crespigny’. We were puzzled, perhaps he represented the vanguard of the Brexiteer mushroom whole-salers, keen to establish via Tony Abbott a new Anglo Australian partnership? Another crimson tendril to reunite the those far-flung fragments of ‘the Great White Empire’ with the motherland? But no sooner than we put the call through than we discovered that it was indeed Champion, (“Champ” to his mates) de Crespigny, (pronounced “De crispy-knee”). He was busy, looking for new mining sites in areas still defined as terra nullius and could only answer a few questions. Why Champion? We asked. Well his mother bathed her hands in Champions Vinegar and she was lacking for imagination. We asked; ‘Why the De-Crespigny’? and he rebuffed us with, “ Ask the Holmes a Courts’? Which we duly did. The Homes a Courts weren’t much use either, and passed us on to Trevor St Baker.
Now Trevor was really helpful. If you want to know he’s the bloke who paid one million for the Vailles Point Power Plant and then received 750 million federal funding to keep it going.
Our mate JOHNNO! He’d sell his granny and frack the farmers to prove his loyalty to his mates in BIG BUSINESS! ONYA JOHNNO!
Trevor knows how to make money, way more seriously than Jean. Trev just works on the government. He explained to us all about rent-seeking. “It’s easy. All you do is buy up with a few mate insiders to help you get a government instrumentality, like an aged-care home or a bit of power plant, and then you cry poor. Before you can say; “conflict of interest” the feds will shower you with cash. Sometimes, and this (he paused to stifle his sustained laughter, which he described as Fuck me I’ve laughed so much it hurts), ‘Sometimes you don’t even have to cry poor, just for being in the right place at the right time they’ll shower you with money for just representing something other than dole bludgers or greeney do gooders’.
“Like power generation”? we asked, “nah, by being connected, they’d rather give it to a mate than squander it on the public or some hare-brained renewable project’.
“Why’s that’? we asked; “Well its a no brainer. We’re more closely aligned to the power that makes the power.
The mining industry we asked’?
‘Fuck the farmers, BIG Mining’s where the money is’!
“Nup mate! Barnaby and John Barillaro, thats where the power is’!
Trev’s all over energy, even trendy pinko-wanker renewables. As long as the taxpayer foots the bill he’s entitled to keep the profit. “Better than Bit- coin mate’!
Frustrated at this obdurate junction to our enquiries, we interviewed the last of our double barrelled named mining magnates, and were directed to Michael L’ estrange. It aint completely double barrelled, but it is fancy and sort of executive. The name you’d have if you were a character in a Peter Styveysant advert, or a chief inspector of police for a Sherlock Holmes adaptation. Michael is the non-executive director of Rio, which is kind of like being the Fat Controller in Thomas the Tank Engine. Poor Michael is fronting the press after Jean Jacques pressed the wrong button.
He’s copped a bit of flack, but able to swear on a pack of Bibles he didn’t have a clue about the Juukan Gorge Caves. Neither did anyone else. Bit like hotel quarantining in Victoria. Came as a bit of a shock, but we’ve got it on good authority, the double-barrelled name helped him. That’s the funny thing about Australia, come the double barrel and you’re as good as gold.
It’s Australian for the DNA locked deep within our national psyche.
Beer and footy you might say?
‘Pssst, sick of Bit- coin. Are the usual money laundering outlets under fed police scrutiny? Sick of getting kick-backs from philanthropic trusts and dull tax evasion schemes? Have a chat with Angus. He’ll find the right scam that suits your dollar, and the beaut part, he’ll get the taxpayer to fund it. “Whether its a haven in the Caymans, or a Sydney councillor just Blame- em’. Angus ‘ll set you right.
“Nah”!, Trevor piped in; “it’s the fucken CULTURAL CRINGE”.