‘Fake News’
Dear reader, the final installment of our recent dispatch from the pcbycp team with our troops embedded on the North West Frontier (Afghanistan) The story continues where it left off, with the locals not enamoured to our diplomatic offer of an ANZAC themed barbecue.
As we recall the pcbycp led by Lt Smartars*, were busy implementing skills learnt from ‘The Intervention’ in dealing with untrustworthy and unruly natives.
“What a ripper, it worked in the outback, should work here, and besides though they don’t like beer, they could enjoy beereish culture. Let her rip”.
In seconds the side of the Perentie was down and music was blaring, “I’d love to have a beer with Duncan’, and from the esky at the back, the SAS were throwing bottles of Coke. ” I’d love to have beer with DUNK”
Our mate Duncan, (who we like to have a beer with)
The locals went apeshit. ‘We drink in moderation”
They couldn’t fathom VB, but Coke was the singular unifying symbol of international prosperity.
‘And we never ever never get rolling DRUNK’
We couldn’t tell. At first we thought they were delirious with joy, but by the sounds if it, they were STILL unhappy? …
‘We drink in the town and the country, where the atmosphere is GREAT’
‘You know it just goes to show in the end we don’t all share the same values’,
‘Too right’, said Ces,
‘That in the end, our values are better than theirs’,
‘I Love to have a beer with DUNCAN, Cos Duncan’s ME MATE!’
‘And like the Abos, during the intervention, they’re still ungrateful’.
SAS building “Better Communities”
‘Yep mate, they wouldn’t know culture if it hit em fair square in the face at a Yoghurteers Convention’! We all had a laugh, Ces had nailed it once again.
We got back on the chopper, and took one last look at the barby. Some of the kids were already climbing over it, another clear sign of disrespect. Disrespect of our dominant and Civilising CULTURE!. ‘Jeez’, Smarty reflected, ‘Now they’re lifting the hotplate, and look there, they’ve thrown the Rising Sun adorned Splash-Plate into the dirt. Makes yer weep’.’
On the floor of the chopper a few unexploded incendiary bombs and a pack of grenades rolled about. As the chopper lifted well clear of the crowd Smarty nonchalantly pulled the pin and threw em out the door.
‘Just to make sure’.
SAS Perentie’s forming a circle to co-ordinate ” Love to have a beer with Duncan’ for maximum community building effect.
‘Hangon a mo, what’s this? An Aussie Flag wrapped around some tins of pork sausages, “Gift from the Australian Government’, Smarty heaved them into the swirling mass of humanity. ‘A Keepsake to go with what’s left of the Sherrin’.
Smarty waxed philosophical; ‘That’s what I learnt from The Intervention.
‘THE HORROR’, a buggered barby and a desecrated Sherrin
No relationship can prosper unless it’s based on the application of well directed BRUTE FORCE to instil TRUST in our institutions of Good Governance through the reinforcing coercive value of RAW FEAR’.
There was a dull thud below us, “Good- o, the barby’s safe now’!
And by the whiff of it, “its fried steak n kidney with mince-meat patties ALL ROUND!”
“And don’t forget the PORK SAUSAGES”! piped Ces,
“DEAD RIGHT’! We all said and pissing ourselves over “The Horror” we cracked a few more VB’s for the short ride home.
* Cpl Smartars has been promoted to Lieut Smartars during the course of this embedded tour as a consequence of winning the ‘Building Stronger Communities Equestrian Event’. Image depicts Smartars returning to Kabul after installing another barbie whilst under enemy fire and SINGLEHANDEDLY rescuing the Barbecue Tongs and Toasting Fork. (For this he was mentioned in despatches).
Note; if you have a problem or know of someone with an undisclosed V.C affliction, seek help and ring either ‘SAS Stronger Communities Life-Line’ or the “unremarkable non V.C winner also-ran Afghan veteran support group” and our resident mental health support staff will be in touch with immediate action. Just quote the Don’s batting average and you’ll be fast tracked to either a newly minted Sherrin, (signed by 22 commando unit SAS) or a hand signed dvd of Ted Whitten performing handball during World of Sport. Both items individually framed or pictures supplied for wall mounting, in the trophy room, your favourite bar, club, or mental institution.