“Will the Queen be safe?”

Ira Maine is perturbed – read on

My dear Sratny of the Rozzle, and assorted associates,

In case you missed it (Front page of the Age, Thurs, Feb. 8) a visually impaired British journalist, one Mohammed Salim Patel, has been issued, not with a guide dog, but with a horse! 
(What next I ask myself? a heffalump or p’raps a giraffe?)
The poor bloke has a ‘dog phobia’ and to fix up the siddyashun, he has been given a two foot high American miniature horse. 
Where does it sleep? I ask myself.  Is it liable to shit itself in Harrods? Have a slash in the public gallery at the House of Commons? Break wind explosively at the Abbey? Leave steaming heaps at Buck House? Kick down the back door in the mating season and set about sexually assaulting unsuspecting Alsatians?  Will the Queen be safe?
This, as you can see, presents us with a swathe of equine equanimity problems the which, in the interest of proper public order must be immediately addressed.
What about the blue-arsed fly, or for that matter, the rust coloured European horse fly? One bite from any one of the aforementioned and the aforesaid horse, in self-defence might deprive an innocent bystander of his crown jewels.
Mark my words, havoc on the streets will be the only result. Multiply the situation a few hundred times and mayhem will prevail.
‘Doomed, I tell you, doomed! We are all doomed!’
Ira Maine