The tip of the Footy Tipping Iceberg

‘Im sorry’, it was Eddy on the phone, he sounded more flustered than usual, ‘you’ve got the wrong lumumba’, 

“Lumumba you say’?, he wasn’t making sense, can you repeat that’? 

‘Lumumba’, 

‘He’s said it again, don’t you mean the wrong number?

“Yeah right, whatever’, he sullenly replied and we could hear him mumble ‘chicken shit’…

He regained his composure; ‘yeah, it’s your ol mate Eddy’, 

‘Eddy we don’t want the poker machines, we can’t afford them, and our rooms have changed. Once we used to be a little community, but now we’re a rusk with all these shady types trying to sign us up for investments in the Caymans, blue chip shares in lithium mines in  Tanzania, and football app training seminars on leadership and community building. We’re buggered Eddy, and you got us into this, and besides Suzie Wong aint all she’s cracked up to be, she’s taken the tea pot, the Monte Carlo’s you promised and done a bunk with one of the spivs you sent round, and poor Mc Culthorpe is outta a job and your work scheme has gone flat since the third lockdown. In short Eddy, we’re pretty pissed off all round. 

‘Bullshit, you got yourself into this’! 

‘That’s not fair, don’t you know right from wrong’?

‘Chicken shit’

‘Do you know black from white Eddy’?

The phone went dead again, 

‘Perhaps it was something we said’, Clarrie murmured, 

‘I dunno, he told us he was the leader and he’d look after us’… 

Just the the phone rang off the hook..

‘Gday, it’s your ol mate Dutto’!

“Dutto’? , we enquired, then we could hear the microphone, click; “you know yer ol mate whom you met on the beach on Australia day at Portsea, the bloke who sent you the black box’. 

‘Oh Peter Dutton! Yeah Dutto, we’re in a bit of a pickle if you’d care to know’. 

‘I KNOW EVERYTHING!,  Have you pressed THAT button yet’? 

‘Nup, we’re confused, which one’?

‘You’ll know soon enough’, and the phone went dead again. 

Then it rang again, 

It was Eddy, He was exasperated, ‘look here you drongos just make a choice, press the button the nice man gave you and I’ll get you  off the hook, you can have your pie warmer, the pokies will go, you’ll get your tea lady’s job back and I’ll get ‘Dan the Man’ to give you the all clear’. 

“Dan the man’? Eddy said, ‘yeah the bloke that looks like Mr Bean who likes to dress up in PLA costume and quote his little red book’!. 

“Oh Mr Whu. Why didn’t you say that in-the first place, Why? “No who”? Eddy clearly had a problem remembering things. 

‘Allright Eddy, we’ll use the blackbox’.

‘But make it quick he pleaded otherwise I’m in deep shit and the club will fold’. 

Just then we knew how serious the issue was, if Collingwood folded, there’d be no other singular galvanising force for sportsmen and women the world over to feel unified by pure un-distilled Hate. Perhaps it was Eddy giving us a clue, Collingwood being either black or white…half black or half white? But what if even the black bits were white? 

Which one to press?

We looked at the two buttons, the white one, though it was worn all over looked inviting, ‘I spose that reflects a deep natural cultural bias, to always select the white one’, but just then, Clarrie’s little kid Wandsworth raced through the rows of silent pokie machines with his toy bat-mobile singing at the top of his voice, nun nunna nunna nunna nunna BATMAN’!

‘You know what Ces’? What Quent?, said Ces, ‘Black is sort of alluring, just think of the Bat-mobile? Yep, you’re right Quent, and Darth Vader is kinda cool looking.  So were the SS’!

 ‘I know it’s not politically correct but those black uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss.  Jeez I didn’t know that’s another reason why. They should’ve won the war. Yeah, and more still,  that’s why police forces the world over have gone ape-shit on wearing black looking like the SS and shooting jaywalkers who are dark skinned. its cool to be cruel, and cooler still if you wear black.  I think that’s the takeout message’. 

Ces and I thought about this for a while, and then looking at the clock, realised we had to make the decision, 

‘But bad guys are black I whispered, it sort of indicates, cept Zorro, that black aint good for your health. You’re dead right, 

But it could be a trick’? Even though we know instinctively that black is evil and God was always a white bearded old  man looking like a hippy and like Jesus possibly on the lgbti trans x spectrum there were black instances that weren’t all bad, 

‘Like black Saturday’? jested Ces 

‘Come on whatever happens let’s just make a decision, ‘’we hesitated, fed up I guided Ces’s hand and pressed firmly on the white, it was head or tails, up or down, wright or wrong and white from black. 

And ….. 

Nothing happened. 

What will happen next? Will our adventurers ever get the inside on footy tipping? Will Eddy and Mr Whu return for their investments? Stay tuned to our next episode of ‘Duttons button’ or ‘three strikes and you’re off-white”.