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Saint Bob of Santamaria. arguably the best P.M we’ve never had.
Rupert began a monologue during the long helicopter flight. It was characteristic of a successful tycoon. Only good thing was, unlike Steve Jobs, he didn’t have his self titled book for us to read. The media landscape was his book. That was a source of some relief. But like a politicians memoir his monologue was the usual self serving claptrap about public duty, self sacrifice, and the thinly disguised ambition to wield POWER AND MONEY! It was unendurably boring. He ignored our questions, and continued on and on…., here’s a fragment:
‘At first I owned The Adelaide Advertiser, they said it couldn’t be done, and I bloody well did it. And that’s where I made my first MILLION!
Ben Chifley scrapping Empire Day for Strayla Day and talking up nationalising the banks all in one day, LEADERSHIP!
Then I owned the West Australian, they were snidger times, (he gave us the Tony Abbott onion wink), now we were BEYOND SHIT SCARED! They told me “no way mate” and I stuffed it down their fucken throats. That’s when I made my first TEN MILLION!!
Then I owned the Oz and changed it into Australia’s biggest selling Catholic Boys Daily, (The Australian) and then with the DLP on side with my astral Ouija board invoking the spirt of Saint Bob of Santamaria I closed and bought up all the other local media. That’s when I made my first HUNDRED MILLION! Then, I singlehandedly launched into the UK with Maggie and we killed the free press there also..…That’s when I made my First BILLION!!! Then,….
If only Prince Andrew was our GG, them people, ALL AUSTRALIANS would take Strayla Day seriously.
He went on and on, clearly the irony, most powerful man in the media landscape just wanted to talk to someone. We were glazing over with his megalomanic drivel.
‘Then I took on the yanks on in their home turf, they hated it until Donald came along. Then they fucken loved me. I told em what they wanted to hear, and if they didn’t want to hear it, till I crammed it down their fucking throats with FOXTEL!.
One of the greatest EVER Strayla day Moments!
Thats when I made my first TEN BILLION!!, and became THE GOVERNMENT! And then I made inroads into China, starting with the Hong Kong booksellers. I saw huge potential via Sky News and Foxtel to become the mouthpiece of the Communist Party, through the ‘Global Times’ and the ‘Peoples Daily’. To establish a world-wide web of shit journalism. And with Google and Facebook you could say I’ve now almost complete control. Together with what Vlad’s doing to kill journalists in Russia we’ve almost completely taken over. But there were pockets, some of it we could ignore, the Guardian and standout pockets of the non-Murdoch press, the independent and the Washington post. But then with Assange, Witness K, and Prince Andrews tell-all interview we saw more potential for complete annihilation of news in any other form than infotainment. Thats when I made my first HUNDRED BILLION!
And, he turned to us megalomanically speaking and said; That’s where you lot came in,
Christian and Peter, a pair of SAFE HANDS if ever they were needed on any given (per se) Strayla Day.
Through your special brand of undergraduate humour you’ve damaged my inroads. Because it’s not that you make people think, but make them laugh, that’s bloody dangerous, and I got it from none other than Scomo himself that this has to stop. Jamie is more confused than ever, you’ve put the wind up Angus, and SCOMO is worried. Xi aint impressed either, thats when I thought, if you cant help yourselves i’d give you a leg up from an old mate of mine. That’s why I got Jamie and Angus in tow, to give you a little nudge. And this bloke, (he smiled at Ben), is just the nudge you need. And as an side, your so piss poor you’d never make it as real journalists and in a funny kinda way, I like that!
We have with Maralinga, right under everyones noses the largest stockpile of bitcoin the world has ever seen, and it’s hidden in an underground bunker, called “DarkWeb”. It’s so dark, even the white bits are dark. WE’ve irradiated it and when we we release it on the market, the Chinese Communist Party wont be able to keep their hands off it. And the Russians will like a slice of the action also. And this is where you lot come in.
Now you know about it you’d better go with us, or otherwise, I’ll leave the door of the chopper open and you can just walk.
Its not China, nor the U.S nor this piddly country I’m interested in, but world and galactic domination!!
And funnily enough, with your unique blend of old and new school technology you can help me flood the global market with bit coin, cause a crash bigger than corona, and I’ll clean up.
Ted Whitten, (legend, hero, GOD) would’ve known how to celebrate Strayla Day PROPERLY!
‘Daring you are so wonderfully cleverly evil’, Jerry swooned and planted a big sloppy kiss on his steamed dim-sim of a bald head. Rupert looked lovingly at her and said, “ later” Jerry wandered off into the cockpit.
So its come to this, you’re meeting a man who’d very much like to see you.
And, be polite, he hasn’t set foot in-this country for a long time, and wants to celebrate with you, as an aside, the true significance of Australia Day as a nation building exercise. Some say Australia Day is only marked for its divisiveness. Who gave you that divisiveness?….. You’re fuckin looking at him…
‘Oooh darling’, Jerry swooned, and grabbed him on the crotch by giving him an empathetic squeeze.
We’ll be there in fifteen minutes,
‘Bradman Day’ has topped our readers poll as most likely successor to Strayla Day.
Where where we? What had it to do with sacred Australia Day? Arguably the most sacred day between Anzac and the Queens Birthday. And why was Roo keen for us, to meet the linchpin, the other most important man on earth? Or could it be Bob Santamaria? The man who had spiritually risen from the dead to turn Australian politics into the modern day DLP? Find out more or less in our next breathtaking episode, “ Charlottes dark web’, or ‘Strayla Day-for the non believers’.