1950’s ASIO Communist detection computer (Discharge) at work

Goat cleared of leftist tendencies

Dear reader, at last some tangible evidence that Australian politics has turned in the right direction. For years we’ve been decrying the loss of a left wing in Australian discourse. Last time we spoke of it we were tying to get an interview with Greens senator Lee Rhiannon who allegedly kept it in a cupboard, in a shed at her holiday house. We asked Kim Carr if he’d seen it and he told us it was last seen boarding a plane for Cuba. Then in some desperation we went all the way to Hong Kong and asked Sam Dastyari if he’d seen it and he told us it had left the building and last he knew it was on its way back to Australia. Perplexed and a little disillusioned we contacted Asio because we knew they had a good reputation for tracking down real lefties, but our search proved fruitless. They told us to bugger off and not waste their time, declaiming, “the lefty commie stuff is so nineteen fifties”. We then asked them; ‘What could be more important than finding lefties still working undercover in the Australian politics’? And they told us that the refugee threat was way way more de-stablising and keeping the concentration camps going was the central plank of our forward defense policy blah blah blah..

We decoded the blah blah blah, and realised that the message could only mean one thing, that in spite of their proclamation, the lefty threat still lurked in sleeper cells, and unless flushed out, would wreak havoc. Setting to work with what was left of CSIRO, we reactivated the Asio mainframe spy computer, (Discharge) at the abandoned intelligence facility at Watsonia. We were shocked and surprised to find out, (the message came in teletype after being translated from morse) that the lefty threat, far from being dead, was stirring and unbeknownst to us, had us gripped, the entire society in its thrall. We had the intelligence, but there was no one who would believe us. To tell you the truth, it was more than exasperating. Here was the potential to undo an insidious lefty plot, within our midst. But without names and addresses there was no way of identifying the cell. Consequently, we couldn’t isolate and then destroy it.

Bush telegraph operator at work detecting Communists in the field.

Just when we were about to give up, and consign our mission to the scrapheap the Deputy Prime Minister, announced the identification of the lefty menace. Boldly he has saved this country. Identified, not through the latest in spy detection technology, satellite intercepts, or as we tried haplessly with the Discharge main frame computer, but with the most primitive communication device ever. The trusty and reliable ‘Bush Telegraph’. Barnaby has outed them. They’ve nowhere to hide, Labor and the Greens are Communists! Real ol style lefties!. And he’s right, they’re anti competitive, Anti business, and more concerned about endangered species, web-footed Poteroos, trees and stuff they call “indigine” than clean living mums and dads. Thankyou Barnaby. Thankyou Australia. There is a left wing, and it was right under our noses. Far from endangered, it’s thriving.