Julians mother interviewed at an “alternative” community,

Rare and Endangered. The Minister for Coal, Lobbying and Environment pronounces integrity in LNP ‘EXTINCT’

Off to a great start, Adani being approved after being rejected by Government agencies entrusted with protecting the environment just goes to show how much the LNP hate the environment, biota and thinking of a non carbon future.  WE applaud them for their constancy. And to Julian Assange, who has put himself firmly on the front pages. Who is Assange you may ask? His mother is on hand to tell us;  “He’s not the messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy

But back to the issue at hand, the disappearance of our Columnist Clarrie, last seen walking  into a Hong Kong Bookshop. What has this to do with the upcoming election? We’re not quite sure… read on.

Sign of our times. Old bearded man being sent to aged care facility.

We’d had an arrangement with the local ethnic newspaper. The ‘Golden Age’ has being going since the year dot. They’re a Cantonese language newspaper, which means the proprietors came form Hong Kong. It was a couple of years ago when we noticed the change. Clarrie wandered in to write an op piece about Andrew Robb and Sam Dastyari working on a high level top secret project with the Chinese government and how important this was for free trade.  Clarrie wrote on how free trade could benefit the few surviving Pandas in the wild.  He obsesses about this sort of thing.  ‘In the wild’ was code for not yet connected to a belstun woad initiative. 

At the.centre of the political donations scandal Mr Huang

You can imagine Clarrie’s shock when he fronted the Golden Age and the proprietors Mr and Ms Wu had GORNE!.. He asked the new proprietor, where are they? And was told ‘Vacation’. On short word. ‘Vacation’. The bloke behind the counter didn’t speak Cantonese either. Clarrie knew something was up. 

On his way beck he went to the fish and chip shop. Mr and Mrs Xiang have been there for years. He ordered a Chiko roll, minimum chips and a coke, and was flummoxed again. The man behind the counter was a complete stranger. Couldn’t speak a word of English. All the text on the menu was in Chinese. In the end Clarrie settled for a number eight, seven, and fifteen.  And when opened up the packet it wasn’t flake as ordered but a slab of Yangtse River Dolphin. 

Worst thing the chips were soggy, and the fish and chip wrapper was RED!

He then noticed scribbled in Cantonese, ‘Mr Robb’. Clearly this exotic and very expensive rare delicacy was meant for someone of influence. 

Penny Wong ( second from left) denies connection to donation scandal.

Since that day the newsagent changed hands overnight. It only sells Chinese newspapers.  Well, only one, the “Peoples Daily”, and the next thing he knew his own home was being demolished to make way for a re- education facility. 

So Clarrie, incensed went along to his local Council. 

A day later he returned. The look on his face said everything. 

The Council had been taken over. Instead of jaded bureaucrats sporting manilla folders always being in meetings he was met at the front desk by a man called Mr Hu. Mr Hu seemed to know everything about Clarrie… Even knew which footy team he barracked for and asked him to answer a few questions. We don’t know what happened next.  Clarrie hasn’t said a word. Was it telephone books? The Chinese burn? Or just acupuncture?

Then things got much worse. 

Our telephone system broke down.  We lost our planning permission to build a pergola out the back. Our electricity was cut off. Then the water was cut off. In the end Ces said we were “just one Uighur short of the full gulag”!. 

Then Clarrie disappeared altogether. 

We tried Interpol, lost children, DFAT, but they were USELESS!

WE ended up holding a protest outside our offices. Couldn’t get the press interested. It was depressing. Silent Vigils are very alienating. 

Then yesterday we spotted Clarrie.. Ces saw him in a stretched limo. In the back seat were Andrew Robb and Sam Dastyari. The car was being driven by a shady looking character who looked a bit like President Xi.  It drove straight past us and into Council. 

In happier times. Julian’s mother turns her back as troubled son takes a leak.

Next thing, we hear Clarrie is now Chief Executive of the Belstun Woad Corporation in association with Transfield.  They plan to put a freeway right through out premises. “We are rooted”. Ces put it into perspective.

“Truth comes a poor second to money and notions of “progress”