AGONY COLUMN, A POEM BY A D HOPE.
Introductory comments by our Poetry Editor, Ira Maine Esq
A long time ago, before Captain Cook, Tattslotto and Henry the Eight, the Greeks, under their great god Zeus, reigned over everybody in sight. Vast territories around the Med. were gathered into the Greek fold including great lumps of North Africa. One of these African territories, Aethiopia, was ruled over by King Cepheus and Queen Cassiopeia who had a most pulchritudinous daughter, one Andromeda.
Andromeda’s queenly mother, however, when push came to shove, and when it came to the astonishing beauty of her daughter, could not keep her vain mouth shut. Against all sane and sensible advice, she made it stupidly known that she thought her daughter was even more beautiful than the Nereids. This was not a wise move. The Nereids were female, gorgeous and the companions of the great god Zeus himself. Old queen Cass was asking for trouble and she got it in bucketloads.
Zeus’ brother Poseidon, who just happened to be the God of the Sea, was absolutely incensed to hear of Cass’s heretical pronouncements. Straightaway he sent a horrible monster to ravage the lands of Aethiopia, and in case anyone else was feeling uppity, a few other kingdoms as well. After a while, when the monster finally stopped for a smoke, to say the place was ‘laid waste’ would be an understatement. Not to put too fine a point on it, the entire region was knackered.
Well, Andromeda’s dad, seeing his once glorious kingdom reduced to rubble, rushed off and prostrated himself before the Apollonian Oracle.
“Well now, Ceph,’ says the Oracle, pouring himself a draught of Earl Grey, ‘here’s a fine old how d’you do, and no mistake’.
‘Yeah, right,’ says Cepheus, ‘ but what the hell am I going to do now?’
“Ah, don’t worry about it at all,’ replies the Oracle, taking a sip of his tea, “I know the very thing that will set everything to rights. It’s simple enough.’
Cepheus looked up, feeling a rush of relief sweep over him. All, he thought, might not yet be lost. He waited.
‘All you’ve got to do is take your daughter down to the seashore, take off all her clothes and chain her to a rock. In this way she will provide a convenient and tasty snack for a passing sea monster.’
Ceph was thunderstruck, not to say gob-smacked and heartbroken.
‘Holy Shit, Oracle,’ choked Cepheus, his face washed with tears, ‘ but you are, with all due respect, a hobs of hell, hard, unforgiving bastard.’
‘Nothing to do with me, mate. It’s your wife’s vanity that caused all this.’
Cepheus thought about this and finally nodded agreement. A thought had occurred to him.
‘Why does she have to be naked?’
The Oracle, his face suddenly flushed, spoke stumblingly.
‘The…eh… sea monsters, Seph. They can’t abide the…eh… wispy, see through, gauzy bits. That’s it…yes… the fine diaphonous stuff gets..eh… jammed in their teeth, you see, gives them the most appalling…ah… indigestion’.
‘Yeah…right…’ muttered Cepheus into the floorboards, not believing a word of it and beginning to think that the gods themselves were a bunch of unregenerate old perverts only too eager to have as many naked ladies chained to rocks as possible.
The oracle shimmered suddenly and was gone.
It was only afterwards he realised that the Oracle had been a man. He’d expected a woman, a demented old hag, perhaps, or a child even, but not a bloke.
In the end, down by the sea he did as he was told and arranged for the fruit of his loins to be fastened upon a rocky outcrop. Luckily, it was a nice warm day because the poor mite didn’t have a stitch on.
Now you’ll all remember the awful Gorgon Medusa. She’s the one with snakes for hair whose favourite party trick was to turn you to stone. Well, a bloke called Perseus got fed up with this unsporting behaviour and after much travail bumped her off. Coming back home he just happened to catch the vile, unspeakable sea monster about to pounce and fasten his teeth on a choice bit of Andromeda’s anatomy. Quick as a flash young Perseus springs to the rescue, kills the sea monster and marries the girl.
This same story, or part thereof, is contained in this week’s poetry selection.
The poem is by the Australian poet A.D. Hope, and is written like a court report. An excellent poem, in my estimation.
Agony Column
Sir George and Lady Cepheus of Upper Slaughter
Desire to announce to family and friends
That the death has been arranged of their only daughter
Andromeda, aged twenty – Sir George intends
To avoid undesirable pomp and ostentation:
A simple ceremony, a quiet funeral feast
And the usual speeches; a train will leave the station
For the Virgin’s Rock at four. No flowers by request!
Owing to the informal nature of the occasion
Guests are requested to wear ordinary dress.
It is hope that, in view of Sir George’s official station
The event will be treated discreetly by the press.
In accord with religious custom and public duty,
The populace is expected to maintain order and quiet;
But, because of her daughter’s quite exceptional beauty
And numerous suitors, to discourage scandal or riot,
Lady Cepheus wishes it to be distinctly stated
That any attempt at rescue has been banned;
Offenders will be summarily emasculated;
Heroes are warned: the police have the matter in hand.
As the victim is to be chained wearing ony her skin,
The volunteer armorers will be blinded at once.
On the following morning her lovers and next-of-kin
May assist in gathering any remaining bones.