Dear reader, once again, we apologise for this tabloid-esque episode. Problem is, with Corona things are dire and those nice people from News Corp have made a  bargain we couldn’t refuse. “Say nice things about Dyse and his retinue,” and we’ll have our rent, electricity and telephone bills paid for a year.  Only problem was that all copy had to be vetted by the Catholic Boys Daily, (the Australian) and the IPA for bias, before being submitted. Sadly, this is the last of the un-vetted pieces. 

The saga continues; 

We find ourselves in a pickle, with Ces running out of excuses, and ‘the Poodle’, excited due to the imminent arrival of ‘Skanky Shanks’. Read on.. 

By this stage Ces was twitcing, and Dyse, ever the opportunist, was gleefully rubbing his practised hands together. The Duchess, had laid out another line of coke, and then paused; “Anyone got a credit card? They’ve reposessed all of mine’, when Dyse nobly gave her his Barristers practising certificate. 

The Poodle was visibly excitied, so excited, he put the tiara back on and was busy applying rouge when the door thumped. We all stiffened in anticipation, and then, before out very eyes, a stilletto and a pair of fish-nets, waggled in front of us.  In an instant we all knew who ‘Skanky Shanks’, was. None other than our former Foreign Minister. 

He bounded into the room. “What have we here’?  

“Ooooo your Duchess’! He curtsied, and the fell over, clearly he’d been drinking. 

Fergie regained her composure; ’Oh Alex, your timing is perfect.  Lend me five hundred, I have a place on ‘Rogering Roger’ and ‘Come from Behind’ in the 3.30 at Newmarket’! 

“Yeth Mylady’, and instantaneouly, a credit card was expertly flicked into the Duchesses pudgy hands. The former Foreign Minster got to his feet, waivering unsteadilly, he muttered; ‘and what have we here.’? 

In seconds, like the classroom milk monitor, who wished to be the blackboard monitor the Poodle was into the fray. “OH Ally Wally, these wascals were gonna spill the beans on Prince Andrew, and the whole affair. I was just about to sign a Zyklon B  supply deal with the Russian government in their dealing with the Chechnyans, (one always keep excess stock after an embargo) , and these pipsqueaks, thought they could rain on my parade. Thank goodness I had Dyse here to throw the book at em, and we were just waiting for something to turn up before putting them on a plane, to a horrible place of retribution and incarceration”.  

“Guantanamo’? Downer proffered? 

“No, the ‘Ambassador’ in Melbourne, its full of Covid and nasty foreigners. They’ll die ignominously and without a fair hearing. It’s all ( scowling at us) THEY DESERVE! 

‘Ha Ha’, Downers face lit up; ‘a bit of a Witness K, that’ll teach them a damn good lesson’! 

‘Well then’, The former Foreign Minister adjsted his suspender belt; “Don’t let me stop you, l’ve just been having lunch with that nice president from Khazakstan, he say he may need Australian know-how in buggin the  Turkestan embassy. I said, we’ve got just the man for the job, and here I am’. 

‘A MAN’?, (Fergie suddenly lit up), ‘Where’s my man’?

But Ces fumed; ‘Haven’t you forgot about something’?, 

“Did I hear someone speaking’? Alex enquired, feigning a cupped hand to the ear, 

At this the Poodle exploded in laughter, ‘OOOOH that’s DELICIOUS! Oh Ally, Do it again! Remember that night at the Oxford Union’? They both collapsed with laughter. Dyse wasn’t amused, clearly as an outsider to their inner circle he hadn’t scored an invite, 

‘I’m BORED’, the Duchess sighed. ‘Where’s the baccarat table? ‘Are you comming Alex, or do I have to stick it with him’? she gave a sneering glance at Dyse who seemed now he was denied giving retribution, was out of sorts

And turning to us, 

“Where’s my Man”?… 

Ces stood alone, a bulwark of stoicism aganst all this madness. “The man’?

‘Oh” ( In his best Ronald Coleman voice) “Oh dash it’! BLAST’! 

“The MAN is none other than myself your Highness” He bowed low, ( winking to us out of the corner of his eye) for effect.

Expecting a roal flush to the proffered scone Ces was flummoxed, when she curtly replied, ‘Here’s the key to my room, meet you in Fifteen’. 

In a second, Dyse, raised his arms, and said;’so no prosecution’?  The Duchess tunred to Dyse, ‘Piss off you snide little turd, it’s by Royal Decree. He at the very least is a man, you are…. You are…’,  looking to the Poodle and Alex, ‘are something completely different’!, 

They walked out, the case was closed, 

‘Quick Ces spluterred, before she changes her mind’! And in an instant we were off. 

What will happen in the next dicey episode? Will Ces and the pcbycp make clean their getaway? Or will royal protocal and the house of Windsor collapse upon them?

Stay tuned to the next episode “ A Royal Galah” or “ Three Pillocks from Wisden”