Ms. Cunthorpe, our tea- lady. Cruelly defiled in our Nations Parliament by an un-named, predatory penis weilding oppressor..

We return to our saga, Ces and Quent frog-marched by arguably Australia’s most powerful woman Sophie Mirabella into the subterranean labyrinth of discarded postwar nukes. Like the National Broadband, though they were obsolete upon installation, and installed, (with bonuses and entitlements to the swelling corps of politically appointed senior managers) at great expense, the question remained, were they still active? 

Though the object of their quest, the rehabilitation of their stalwart tea lady Ms Cunthorpe and the penis wielding oppressor who so basely defiled her as a parliamentary intern is ongoing, the heroes, to their last breath and last shilling are determined to see it through. Will pluck and determination be enough to assuage the fate that awaits them? 

Is that the drums of war we hear ? 

Find out in the next radioactively inclined episode.. read on….

We turned to ‘The Colossus’, whattayoureckon Ben’?,

Understandably, like the nukes buried at Maralinga, the Lucas brand’s distinctive design was light-years ahead of it time. Basic Black made it difficult to find in a black-out.

Ben looked at us, and said, ‘I dunno, Lucas electrics is way outta my league. Anyway the serviceman gave me this docket to prove they were ok’. 

He handed us the docket, we looked at the date.  ‘Ben this says August 1965, are you aware how long ago that was’?

‘Yep a fair while, but they’re good to go, is was high quality Australian sourced uranium we done the conversion to plutonium you know’. 

Ces hesitated, ‘did maintenance’? The maintenance man give you this docket’? 

‘Nup, I got it off the courier’.

‘What courier? 

‘The one that gave me the bitcoin and the co ordinates to the usb’s I buried in the garden’. 

‘Which garden’? Ces was getting agitated and Ben seemed blithely unaware of the clear and impending danger. ‘It’s the garden we tended outside the SAS barracks Perth, the one we used to have the strippers help us with as we trained in the oriental arts of Ju Jitsu’!

Maralinga Scientists trialed the new ‘Nuclear Moped’, but were unable to find a relable radiation shield for users.

‘Look here Ben, I don’t care what oriental arts you’ve practised on Her Majesty’s service, ( Ces said this with emphasis hoping that he may jolt Ben into the seriousness of the situation at hand)  but you’ve got to focus. Are these batteries requiring recharging? I’ll get to the point, are the detonators, kinetic, electric, magnetic or heat sensitive’?

Ben paused for a moment, he was locked in deep thought, to emphasise the level of thought he was rubbing the surface of the V.C which he kept on a lanyard round his neck. Clearly it was invested with special powers. After a prolonged pause, with the silhouette of Sophie waiting as she puffed blue smoke rings into the void Ben scratched his head and put his forefinger to his chin. Like Barnaby Trump trying to catch a thought bubble in the back paddock he was hell- bent on finding an answer, that’s what the SAS are trained to do, to show initiative and intelligence in a tight squeeze.

This is it!! (we thought), This may yet turn things round. 

‘Dunno’, Ben said phlegmatically, ‘her name was Paula, she was a bit of allright, but it wasn’t Paula who went to Afghanistan with us, it was some other sheilah.  The one with the big’……..

Lucas also pioneered an innovative range of alternate colour battery designs for the Nuclear Age under the “Gay” banner.

‘Jeez Ben , what kind of detonator’? 

It was no use. 

WE were getting nowhere! Ben was full of military intelligence, but tellingly none of it made any sense at all…..

Will Ben be able to use his high level training and top level military intelligence to get our heroes out of this imminent big bang? 

The range of aplications for Lucas was breathtaking, yet failed to match the Qualcast for durability and reliability.

Will the big-bang be a fizzer? 

And will they ever find out who had a go at Ms Cunthorpe, (our dedicated tea- lady) whilst she was selflessly serving as a parliamentary intern? 

Trials with Qualcast for a Lucas electric starter were unsuccessful, it is believed as many as 5% of users suffered cardiac arrest through the (widow-maker) pull-start mechanism. A successful innovation by RAN will enure Lucas capable pull start on all machinery of the ‘le merde attack class submarines on order from France.

Find out in our next implausibly explosive episode; ‘Detonate a date with Destiny”, or “A naked Twister aint a real Twistie’!