The sexual revolution that started with the ‘pill’ in the 1960’s seems to have been reacted to with some success by conservative elements within our society.  The strong promotion of ill defined ‘Family Values’ by conservative politicians and religious leaders is part of this reaction.

Recently I’ve been reading around the subject of love, sex, monogamy, ‘family’  and ‘community’ in books with title like “Make love, not war, the sexual revolution: an unfettered history” (David Allyn,  Little, Brown and Co, New York 2000), “Why is the penis sharped like that? and other reflections on being human” (Jesse Bering, Corgi Books, London 2012), and “The ethical Slut” (Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, Celestial Arts Berkely, 2nd Ed. 2009).

It is the third of these, sub titled ‘A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures’ that today’s extract is from.  Despite the salacious title the book explores the tricky issues of where intimacy, fidelity and sex intersect.

“Love and sex are the End, not the Means.

Our monogamy-centrist culture tends to assume that the purpose and ultimate goal of all relationships – and all sex – is lifelong pair bonding, and that any relationship that falls short of that goal has failed.

We, on the other hand, think sexual pleasure can certainly contribute to love, commitment, and long term stability, if that’s what you want.  But those are hardly the only good reasons for having sex.  We believe in valuing relationships for what we value in them, a seeming tautology that is wiser than it sounds.

A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords seal pleasure to those involved; there is nothing wrong with sex for sex’s sake.  Or it might involve sex as a pathway too there lovely things – intimacy, connection, companionship, even romantic love – which in no way changes the basic goodness of the pleasurable sex.

a sexual relationship may last for an hour or two.  it’s still a relationship: the participants have related to one another – as sex partners, companions, lovers – for the duration of their interaction. Longevity is not a good criterion by which to judge the success or failure of a relationship.

One-night stands can be intense, life-enhancing, and fulfilling; so can lifetime love affairs.  While ethical sluts may choose to have some kinds of relationships and not others, we believe that all relationships have potential to teach us, move us, and above all give us pleasure. . . . 

Jane Austen wrote “it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”  While we think jane probably had her tongue firmly planted in her cheek, a great many people do believe that to be single is to ve somehow incomplete and that they need to find their ‘other half’.  A lot of myths . . . are based on that belief.

We believe, on the other hand, that the fundamental sexual unit it one person; adding more people to that unit may be intimate, fun, and companionable but does not complete anybody.  the only thing in this world that you can control is yourself – your own reactions, desires and behaviours.  Thus, a fundamental step in ethical sluthood is to bring your locus of control into yourself, to recognise the difference between your ‘stuff’ and other people’s; when you do this, you become able to complete yourself – that’s why we call this “integrity.”

When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have something of great worth to share with others.”

Maybe our next post will answer the question of ‘why the penis is shaped like that.’