No Sheilah problem in parliament, No WUCKEN FURRIES!
Dear reader, as you may recall, this episode leaves us where we left off, with our intrepid journalists getting no closer to the nemesis, the penis wielding oppressor, lurking within our parliamentary corridors. For the integrity of democracy itself and the the right for good wholesome clean-living women to work in government we had to get to the bottom of this .
And so we arrived in Canberra, as usual the streets were eerily empty. It was another RDO, a TIL and AL kind of day. (for the uninitiated, Rostered Day off, Time in Lieu, and Annual Leave)
Hey Chris, I’ve gotta new Dick Joke for ya!
It was virtually impossible to get into parliament itself. After the security checks, the body cavity searches, the scanners, the police checks, the working with children checks and the dna testing we were five kilos lighter and malnourished. The bloke at the front desk just looked at us, when we answered “reason for visit?”, we said; ‘as concerned citizens’. That’s when he pressed a button and fifteen paramilitary federal police with Sten guns, a Gatling, an old School twenty-five pounder and a Bren gun surrounded us.
Cos it was getting close to Anzac Day they were experimenting with ‘heritage weaponry” we felt honoured. It was gonna a be part of “Brave Anzacs and Paramilitary” in the new AWM Complex. The purpose being to demonstrate how the armed forces are sworn by the name of Her Majesty the Queen to defend politicians against the Citizenry, with interactive exhibits and exciting displays detailing how dangerous it would be to Australia if the two party monopoly was ever challenged.
We explained, as they held bayonets to our throats, ‘we just wanted, as citizens to ask a few questions’?
Before you could say ‘Witness K’ we were standing before Mr Potato-Head himself,
“WHADDAYOUWANT’?, he bawled. ‘We’re just here to ask a few questions about Mrs Culthorpe, who did a stint as a parliamentary intern. ……We were wondering’?
‘I’LL DO THE TALKING,’! ‘Which Minister’?,
Couldn’t hack the pace, if the pace is too hot don’t get into the kitchen!
‘We think it was Minister Reynolds,’?
‘YOU CAN’T SEE HER!”
Why?,
“SHE’S ON LEAVE’!
‘Well, perhaps the Nations lawman, Mr Porter’?
“YOU CAN’T SEE HIM’!
Why?
“HE’S ON LEAVE ALSO”!
“Well then’, we searched for answers, “howsabout the lawyer, representing Mr Porter, Cant we see her either’?
He promised to marry her, and she BELIEVED HIM! We ARKS YA!
‘SHE’S BEEN SACKED”!
‘Why’?
‘THAT’S A FUCKEN STUPID QUESTION, THE USUAL REASON’!
What reason?
‘NOT WEARING TROUSERS’!
“What about the lady who is charge of communications or the lady who ran Aussie Post”?
“SACKED’!,
DUMB-ARSE! Should’ve got Tag Heuer watches, Cartier is GAY!
‘The Minister for Womens Affairs”?
“ON LEAVE’!
“The leader in the senate enquiry into the status of women”?
“DIED TRAGICALLY’!
“How’? we asked timidly,
“She fell on a poly-vinyl poof whilst rehearsing sexual assault defensive Ju-Jitsu on the floor of the senate and fractured her sternum and died of radiation sickness as a consequence of being allergic to antibiotics and a new therapy’!
‘What therapy’?
SORE LOSERS! Couldn’t HACK IT!
“ Gender conversion therapy, to fnd her inner MANLINESS’!!!.
He paused; ’on that count SHE FAILED SPECTACULARLY’!
“Well then, what about the Shadow Ministry’?
“There IS no Shadow Ministry! There’s only the government, WHICH I RUN”!
“The National Party lady who did the sports rorts”?
“SACKED’!
“The lady who works the tea room”?
“On leave’!.. “what for’?
“STRESS’!
“Have you got any women in parliament or ministers not on leave’?
‘YES’
“MYSELF, I answer for any woman who is on stress leave, sacked or not in the building”!
A Green Scarf won’t save ya LUV!
‘Well then, Mrs Culthorpe”, we tried to explain, and we were cut off mid sentence,
“WE HAVE NO WOMEN PROBLEM IN PARLIAMENT’!
Just then, the rifle bolts clicked, and we could hear the clickety clack of the Bren gun safety catch being released.
WE realised, our time was up,
Potato head leered at us..
“Go on then Boys”,
“MAKE MY DAY’!
We got the hint, there was NO WOMAN PROBLEM in Parliament,
WE realised something was iffy as we were frog-marched out. We couldn’t see a woman anywhere. “It’s like those American films of the forties and fifties where you never see a person of colour” I murmured to Ces, “what you’re talking about is contemporary Australian telly. I spose that’s what parliament is for, like our telly to present to he world how we view ourselves. All that’s white, insular and insecure, and ruled by dicks’.
Historic parliamentary intern was imprisoned just for being a sheilah!
“Maybe’, Ces demurred, “Parliament aint a safe place for Sheila’s’?,
‘Precisely, but who dunnit’?
We looked around all of men in uniform were laughing and scratching their balls, and we could tell guffawing about a scrawl potato-head had made on the white board? It was a dick joke. In a second these stern faced men armed to the teeth were in stitches. Dutton had them in his thrall. He was a magician, a conjurer, a leader among MEN who understood motivation and duty. And somehow it was all encapsulated in a dick joke. If Canberra was ruled by a dick joke diaspora finding Mrs Culthorpe’s oppressor was gonna be like like trying to find the proverbial needle in the hay-stack.
Other Historic Sheilah, caused a HELLUVA LOTTA TROUBLE!
And there were just too many needles. And not a lot of hay stack either.
MAKE MY DAY!
Will our heroes get through in the end? Is Canberra a closed door to he public? Find out in our next stimulating episode, “Canberra or Cant- berra”, or “our lady in waiting, and waiting, and waiting and waiting, and waiting, etc.etc…(op cit)