Dear reader, another intriguing fragment from our sage of the near north Dame Ira Maine. In this thrilling instalment Dame Ira hints at the prerequisites for membership at some of our more exclusive sporting clubs. In an era in which change is a veritable wrecking ball for old ways, it’s a source of some comfort that archaic and traditional practises are still being adhered to. Like facial masks and imprisoning any housewife daring to elicit a nutty post on facebook. Its all for our SAFETY and in the PUBLIC GOOD!
Dame Ira takes Princess Anne for a run around the tan
DAN THEM ALL and be PUBLISHED!
Dame Ira writes:
“Moving in high society as I do, it is common that I receive invitations, though not so common that I am immune to that frisson of excitement one get on receipt, (and, it hardly needs be mentioned, there are none that are just “common’.) As evidenced by the use of the term “blokey”, the informality of the one below piqued my interest more than many. There was, however, something else in the invitation that caused a rustle of suspicion, a note of caution came to me – could this be a trap by one of my rivals bent on bending me, determined to sully my spotless and hard-won reputation. In normal circumstances I would have taken the invitation to mother, a woman whose nose for subterfuge, the scurrilous, for the underhand, is only matched by her ability to trump each and every bit of gossip exchanged daily undercover of the postoffice veranda. She, sadly has been dead these thirty years, so that option is gone. While I examine other options perhaps you, dear reader, would look at the invitation and consider what advice you would offer an innocent abroad.
Dame Ira gives Phil a few tips on what to do with “Naughty Prince Andrew’.
Dear Sir,
A blokey (Names redacted I, personally, myself, name redacted, etc.) Sept. 18 in the afternoon at ******* Court (no.10)
Should you be at all available your zing, verve, pep and go would greatly enliven the proceedings.
I need hardly remind you that alcohol is banned during the buttock tattooing. Moderate amounts are however allowed during the naked mud wrestling.
Perfumed body oils and personal discipline equipage have been greatly enlarged, however we have been forced to abandon the popular spiked leather collar following an unfortunate incident where Father O’ Flaherty, whilst, we are told, giving mouth to mouth, was unfortunately stabbed repeatedly in the chest, abdomen thighs and scrotum.
Dame Ira preparing for an unsolicited visit from Fergie
God help him, the poor man…
The ‘Your first Gay Encounter’ tent will be in its usual spot but with the new hugely popular innovation; sound proofing. A discreetly hidden entrance through the convent grounds absolutely ensures privacy and serves to maintain a chap’s reputation. Those who had hesitated in the past may now proceed in confidence knowing their stiffened resolve is in a safe pair of hands.
As usual, the Blue Pills will be available from the Convent door.
Dame Ira prepares for an audience with Meghan and Harry
NMJRF (Name redacted)
Whoremaster to the Nobility and Gentry,
Rough farm work done,
Ratcatcher(Thirty years experience)
Qualified Possum Hypnotist
Well Rogered Widow’s Society
Pleasure Sheep available
Wild Dogs Bitten
Master of Semiotics (Uni of Barjarg)
Road Signs explained
The Disciplines Involved in Teaching an Octopus to Ice Skate.(In two volumes)
Sexton and Parish Priest
Dame Ira demonstrates stroke-play with Arthur Rylah
Arthur, “Arty” to his mates Rylah
Well, you’ve had time to read the invitation and still no advice so I must go to a higher authority, and who higher than former Deputy Premier Arthur Rylah, the man whose progressive mindset brought an end to six o’clock closing, ended the ban on Sunday sport, and banned Rudyard Kipling’s “Barack Room Ballards” on the sound grounds that with a title like that it had to be dirty. He said he had no need to read it. Surely I can find guidance from this man’.