Whoops sorry about my tardiness, but I’ve been giving a lot of thought recently to my latest Christmas Message, and you’ll forgive me, theres still a bit of confusion up here as to which day is “correct”, and quite a kerfuffle I can tell you as to which virgin gave way to immaculate conception. I know, but here and at my age my aim ain’t quite as good as it used to be. Could you believe it I get almost a hundred thousand requests from the southern states, (Alabama, etc) testifying to my hand in the conception thing, and it’s getting a bit tiresome.
Where was I, Oh yes another year is upon us 2014. Well, I remember fondly 1914, and you should thank me for it, like clearing out the shed or the attic, a lot of people to be recycled, and I’m afraid there’s still significantly more industrialists and profiteers up here in my neck of the woods than heroic dead soldiers. It seems the thing I wrote about ‘the eye of the needle’ needs refining. As a matter of fact I’m a little bit peeved. I didn’t even get to see that man Mandela. He’s gone downstairs, with that other bloke O’Toole who did such a lot of good in Arabia. I know you’re saying ‘he just acted the part’, but we didn’t like the real Lawrence because we’ve got problems with pillow biters up here, and Bob Katter says he’ll not come up till he’s assured the place is “safe”. Cant’ blame him, you have to be so careful these days. Can’t blame that Mandela fellow either, took one look and went for the downstairs option. I hear they’ve got a non stop disco, flashing lights, all you can eat, and topless go go dancers provided you can stomach an afterlife with a non stop backing track of Abba and Justin Bieber. You see they accept shit music down there even if the artist is not dead yet. Seems Mandela was so sick and tired of being beatified, and with the prospect of having to share a cloud with Bono, made a calculated decision. After all who am I to tell a freedom fighter he can’t excercise freedom of choice?
Still there’s lots to be happy about 2013, the GFC slugged on, the Banks and Corporations now plunder the public realm with impunity and righteousness, and the best little joke for you lot down under, (no pun intended) is that I finally got my christmas wish for 1955. Bob Santamaria is now running the country. And he’s doing a fine job, pushing the clock back, just like before the big split, and enforcing all those age old rites of piety, hypocrisy, and bigoted, self serving religious clap trap.
Still though, you can’t blame me I just work the cogs, but this bloke Santamaria has got me worried, he pulls the levers, adjusts the wheels, practically made me redundant. ‘Spose I’ll go the way of Holden, but i’m past caring, i’ve got better work to do in Russia and the US of A. As for China, I’m working on a bird flu for 2014 that should make the influenza epidemic a preamble for the black death, We can only hope.
A christmas message from a Loving God
With help from Quentin Cockburn.