20000 trained for new jobs scheme (from our Middle East Correspondent Oilfor Munee)

Joyous celebration in the ancient biblical land of the bible.

Old Australians who like dressing up, celebrate the heroic part their forebears played in making the Middle East eternally un-peaceful

Thousands of Australians, (and one or two New Zealanders) from all over the world congregated for the famous re-enactment of the light horse charge at Beersheeba. On hand to congratulate them the Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull stood firm and said words to the effect of; ‘On this site, just one hundred years ago, the Australian army aided by the British High Command and the soon to be glorious allies, broke asunder the evil rule of the Ottomans, and plunged, thanks to the Sykes Piquot agreement, the Middle East into a warring, festering bloody shambles which oozes pain and human sufering to this day’.

The ambassador to Turkey John E Turk was on hand to offer his congratulations, and thanked Mr Turnbull for delivering the Middle East from stability and good governance for hundreds of years.

John E, (Abdul to his mates) beamed and mounted the rostrum… “Indeed Mr Turnbull this is a red letter day. You and you alone allowed us, the Turks to be thoroughly beaten, and it is a wonder how your rule and the wisdom of your allies has so thoroughtly fucked up any notion of stability in the Middle East ever- after. We thought you were bonkers at Gallipoli but at Beersheeba you proved once and for all that as Australians you’d volunteer for the most foolhardy expedition to countries you hardly even know, for the capacity to, as we describe in Trukey, (Uglub, al Muckleck) “ Bumlick” your colonialist masters. The fact that you continue to do so, is a wonder to us, and testament to your docile, subservient acquiesence to the most obscure international folly. Indeed your deep seated insecurity must be very profound indeed. A pity that our forebears were unable to record it as a narrative in our very popular ‘One Thousand and One Nights’. It may rival the fable of Abu Hassan breaking wind…no wonder you eschew wind power for coal’.

Older Australians who like dressing up rejoice that 20000 young Australians recently declared redundant will be retrained as arse wipers

The epic battle of Beersheeba celebrated as a romantic Heidelberg era type painterly thing

The Israeli Prime Minister was on hand to share the rostrum and thanked the twenty thousand old men and women who liked dressing up in Anzac era uniforms. He said, “Even by your example, like us, you draw great inspiration from footnotes in history, and you elevate the banal to a level of heroicism, that rivals Homer. We’re glad to be given another defense contract from Australia, and can guarantee, as the forty thousand horsemen who liberated the Middle East from the yoke of stability and good governance. We shall re- equip your forty thousand ex Holden workers, the virtual Palestinians of the manufacturing era, and train them as bum wipers in residential aged care facilities.

Young Australians celebrate the battle of “Beer-Sheila” in which great sacrifice was made by a noble few.

And thus, in the spirt of Anzac, a new Anzac will emerge, not bum lickers, but something much more elevated that proves your credentials as the clever country. That’s it. We have a word for it in Hebrew, (Uglub, al Muckleck) which means “ Arse Wiper”, and thus equiped you will stand proud amongst the cohorts of the new economy. A three pillar economy. An Australia that holds sacrifice for the nobility of Real Estate, mining and arse wiping. And judging by your treatment of the aboriginies, akin to our contempt to the slave Palestinians whilst we bathe in a quaint sense of nostalgia. A nostalgia that is religious in its sense of righteousness as an affirmation of your core national value system.