Dear reader, we were in furious discussion with the Trade Minister Simon Birmingham on the state of affairs in China. Apart from his deep regret on not being able to make the postion pay as well as his predecessor, Andrew Robb, we were aware that we were just half- cooked prawns in a game of global power play. 

We continue where we left off. The Minister talking high level diplomacy over the phone’ 

“Yep, and now they’ve gone ape-shit on not letting em run our country. Apart from doing our citizens and mining execs in with subliminal messages. The Chinese Opera is just the start. They’re using Tik Tok, We chat and social media to infect the minds of Chinese Australians and unite them into a fifth column to destroy the evil power, and you know who they think the evil power is?  

“The Sri Lankan cricket team’? we expostulated 

‘The Yanks’?

‘The Russians’?

 ‘The Empire of Lord Rupert of Murdoch’? 

‘The Pakistan cricket team? the Liberal Party? The Greens? Daniel Andrews’?

‘Barnaby”

‘Nup, you’ll never guess it, not in a million years’.  We could tell he liked the Barnaby suggestion but he’d run out of patience, bit like China doing-in democracy protesters in Honkers.

 ‘Allright then, who’? 

‘This’ll come as a bit of shock, so I’ll tell you straight’!

“Worse than the defilement of V’C’s and the noble untouchable spirit of Anzackery as the foundation of the national ethos”? 

“Way worse, this goes to the core of our national values”.

We paused, waiting for the blow, we knew that from heron, our view of the world would be irrevocably changed. The Minister spoke slowly and with deliberation. 

“It’s the Queen’. (You could hear a tiara drop). This was worse than Harry and Meghan eschewing their sacred duty for a life of self-absorption and dull parties in Hollywood

‘The Queen? Why are they crook on the Queen? What’s the Queen done? She’s 97 and far from fit, and Phil is a breadcrumb short of the biscuit’. 

The Minister gathered himself and became Statesman-like. 

‘The Queen, I’ll have you know, in their eyes,  stands for the humiliation inflicted in the 1840’s. They’ve never forgiven the Empire for the Opium Wars. 

Ces responded with some sympathy, “We can understand the humiliation, but that was a long time ago”. The Minister replied tersely and with some fatigue redolent in his voice. ‘In the Middle Kingdom one hundred and eighty years is just the length of an episode of ‘The Kardashians’. It’s as though the insult of a free-trade deal that went too far was only yesterday’.

 ‘Then if they’re crook on the Queen why are they so crook on us’?

‘It’s simple’. He paused and we could hear him light up a Craven A before continuing with Churchillian effect,  the Trade Minister asked us to turn to the flag we had (‘our proud boys in Afghanistan”), with all the glorious victories  of Australian troops embroidered over the top of it and said; ‘see that bit in the top corner’? 

 ‘Whilst we have that symbol, of our former empire on the corner of our flag, we’re the first plank in a policy to destroy the legacy of the old empire.  They’ve got it in for the old Empire. Tone told us, it’s an envy borne by our access to Rhodes scholarships, memberships to Lords (that is out of bounds to any CCP official cos they haven’t got the credentials of an old school tie)  and the sacred anointment by Her Majesty and the glory of winning VC’s for knocking off wops in foreign places.  They hate that. It gives us an unimpeachable position to be chosen by God to give  the gift of civilisation the world over.  And that’s why Boris is sending the Royal Navy to settle things in the Sth China Sea once and for all. Like it or not we’re the storm in the middle of the fifth eye’. 

‘Jeez Simon cant you get our Man in China to help us out? What’s Andrew up to’? (we were talking about Andrew Robb) the last Federal Minister who made a bucket outta trade. 

‘Andrew can’t do it’. Si was talking about the former Trade Minister. ‘His contract with Land-Bridge is up, he’s on a mere 700 k stipend to sit in his seat in an office somewhere and do nothing but help a few developers in planning decisions with Council. “Jeez,  like the other Andrew’? 

‘Yep, and he didn’t even have to pretend to be head of the AFL. Mind you, there is a silver lining, both of em have VIP passes for life to any Grand Final”. 

“And the test we asked”? 

‘Yep, only for the  Boxing Day test and Ashes series, that was a precondition’. They’d both clearly made deep sacrifices in the duty of public service.

‘Jeez Simon, which Andrew are you talking about then’? 

Im talking, (he paused for effect)  about his Royal Highness Prince Andrew? 

“Jeez, Prince Andrew” (we ghasped in reverence), is he the solution? 

Stay tuned to our next enthralling episode of high-stakes international diplomacy and compelling drama, in “Will the Coal tanker unload?” or….” Five eyes or brown Eyes? The choice is ours”