Dear reader, as you may recall yesterday’s thoroughly informative article suggested that the decline of Australian cricket had something to do with the decline of everything in this country. It’s a litmus test of sorts, and at the heart of it, was the tragic loss of direction from the selectors. They wouldn’t know if their arses were on fire, and possibly couldn’t hold a chook raffle. We’ve assiduously made no reference to brothel’s or paper bags. We believe that unlike the office of P.M or President for that matter, the office of selector of the Australian Test Team, and the most hallowed Chairman of Selectors is still held, (relatively speaking) in some high public esteem. But we are worried, the status of selector, (like politicians) seems to be declining.
Once upon a time, the Chairman of selectors, a Bradman, a Simpson, or a Chappell was looked up to as a demigod. Infinite wisdom and a sagacity bordering on all consuming, Now, we’re afraid their fall from grace makes them mere mortals. They’ve lost the power of the oracle, and their vision is clouded by management speak and the hideousness of corporatisation. Now, selectors, not only mere mortals, have the backbone of warm porridge. And where once intuition stood proud, just the words ‘moving forward’ and ‘benchmark’ instill in all of us a sense of utter dread.
But there’s hope, If you think cricket is the canary in the cage, the cockroach in the terrine, the weevil in the biscuit of the Australian zeitgeist you’re absolutely right. It’s just not good enough being beaten by the South Africans. In spite of their predilection for Pic, Vim, and Pim as christian names, over out Brad’s Troy’s Nathan’s and Jason’s, their triumphalism is just too much. Got to the stage the only way we can get at them is with a Channel Nine cameraman, or wait till Peeto, (Kevin Pietersen) who used to play for Sth EEfrika, is caught not wearing a seatbelt on Warnie’s Facebook feed. Onya Warnie, you’re a bloody legend!!
But the fact remains we have the talent and great depth of skill. John Howard, (alone amongst the big three to avoid any responsibility whatsoever for invading Iraq) a self confessed cricket tragic has what it takes to be chairman of selectors. And he’s got the smarts too. He’ll know what to do, and in no time we’ll have a word beating team. Brimming with confidence and sang froid. And then, just to galvanise the smarts we could have Peter Dutton as selector. He could hold that with ‘Artful’ Arty Sinodinos and ‘Enigmatic ‘Eric, Abetz, and Corey, ‘Curveball’ Bernardii. What a selection panel!! And rather than throw out some poor bastard, as what happened to Callum Ferguson, our new players would stay and stay at the crease and stop the ROT!
Peter Dutton knows what it takes to assess a man of character. And he’s on top of the job to ensure that undesirables are kept at bay, and if it’s good enough for ‘Team Australia’, it’s good enough for the first eleven. All selections will be based upon the tried and proven formula of only having players with one or two syllable names, (Exception to Corey’s). From hereon it’ll be only be Shane’s, Brad’s, Jason, Steve’s, Pete’s, Phil’s and Greg’s. All the rest are wankers and if you’ve got a really silly name like Usman, you’d just be better off playing hockey or some other fairy game. So keep the willow straight and watch success. A new era. Back to the future and heroic like .. Err…like…. Gallipoli.