Not quite a despatch from the front

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Vale. Mr Cold-tart.

Dear reader, it is with sustained angst that we are unable to publish the most current despatch from the front. This has nothing to do with our esteemed colleague from the north. It’s just that Mrs Krinklade of the printing department failed to inform Mr Cold-tart of the typesetting department who subsequently (he has been gainfully employed in this position for some seventy six years) suffered an attack of the twinges when he felt that his position was to be superseded by “technological upgrades’.

We informed Mr Cold-tart who was recuperating at the Sunny Vale home for the infirm, that we were absolutely devastated that this inadvertent error had stricken him thus. We reassured him that the modernisation programme, (a new coffee machine and Heidelberg double set lithographic three colour printing press) would augment his position and we hoped that he (upon recovery) would resume his duties as Managing Director typesetting and photogravure offset printing. We reassured him that his job was for life, and we eagerly awaited the Federal Governments incentives to re-train him in white paper and discussion paper transfer systems. He asked us what these systems were? We reassured him that though we didn’t know ourselves, it was clear, in the fine print of the Federal Governments Framework policy for integrating senior workers back into the workforce.

Although he seemed relieved, his condition deteriorated and he subsequently had another attack of the twinges. And died.

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Mrs Krinklade.

The post mortem, left an open verdict on cause of death. We beg to differ.

Whilst we reassured my Cold-tart his position was secure we didn’t realise that he was also suffering from Acute Utility Anxiety Syndrome. (AUAS) as distinct from Acute Neurological Utility Syndrome, (ANUS). Apparently his annual gas bill, once a steady 5 percent of his income had risen in leaps and bounds. The twinges were a consequence of stress induced utility disorder. (SIUD). Bills for tens of thousands were due or overdue, and poor Mr Cold-tart had no capacity to pay. His rent was behind, and he was also facing eviction. And to our distress he suffered under the weight of tens of thousands of court orders, arrest warrants and payment demands for fines incurred for jay walking, parking an unregistered bicycle, and for numerous Myki infringements. Groaning under the weight of these imposts My Cold-tart’s twinge bought upon by Mrs Krinklade’s inadvertent mistake was the straw that broke the proverbial back.

The coroners report was unable to detail these ancillary circumstances as contributory, and just determined, “Died of AUS”, (acute utility syndrome).

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Sale of pcbycp offices to un-named consortia. Possible links to this trio of merchant bankers

We decided to do something about this, and went straight to the utilities ombudsman, who politely informed us that his position had been privatised and we should talk to the principal shareholder. WE discovered the principal shareholder was in actual fact a current member of the Liberal National coalition. Frustrated we tried to engage the landlord, and was informed that the landlord, also was a member of the current parliament. Flummoxed, we turned to the Housing affordability action resource centre and was told that also had been sequestered by persons unknown with links to federal parliament.

Our search is ongoing, but will be truncated, as the offices of pcbycp have just been acquired as a portfolio of investment properties by another un-named member of parliament.

Our hope for reform is undiminished. Mr Cold-tart did not die in vain. WE know that our federal representatives will work tirelessly to reform this inequitable system. To assist our re-location we have been offered counselling and further training by experts. They have given us a discussion paper to read, and its printed on very nice paper with pictures. Clear signs that something is being done. And as an act of contrition Mrs Krinklade has offered to read it. She expects to have digested section one by Monday. She assures us that adequately vitamised it is not entirely unsavoury, and a teaspoon of sugar will help it all go down.

No evidence of twinges yet.