HMAS Immoveable and Incapable being delivered to Australia. (moments before they broke down)

HMAS Incapable is the newest addition to the Australian navy’s fleet of Amphibious Assault vessels. Looking like a smaller version of a very expensive aircraft carrier it is docked at Garden Island undergoing an extensive refit. Its sister ship HMAS immoveable is also at Garden Island. According to the Defence Minister; “these very new ships offer Australia first class capability in providing logistics support in the event of war’. Asked what war seemed likely the Minister replied, ‘any small scale war in which we’re invited by our respected allies to give vital support. Provided it’s not a really big enemy such as China, Russia or even North Korea. They are way beyond our grasp and even if we were to get involved there’s not much difference our fleet would make in the greater scheme of things’.

Dockyard workers conscripted to; ” splash around a bit and make the thing go”.

We were reassured that the ships would be incredibly good at intercepting the odd refugee vessel and could provide instant on board screening and despatch to “anywhere else’. Each ship at fourteen trillion billion dollars; “is good value to the Australian taxpayer’.

‘We’re very pleased to see the Australian defence budget overall increase exponentially over the next few years’. Asked what impact the ships would have on power relationships in the Pacific sphere, the minister quipped. “ are you talking bout the  power we haven’t already sold at below cost to the japanese an any one else interested in getting reliable energy for nothing? These ships, maintain our core policy of ignoring the  taxpayer  in line with government policy, moving forward’.

RAN considering the very likey possibility of raising HMAS Australia as a cheaper mid term defence option.

“ The fact that the ships don’t work, or even go anywhere, cos the engines, and the twirly things that go round and push it through the water don’t function is just an indicator of how seriously we take our defence. Together with the incredibly expensive F35’s, that don’t fly in anything other than perfect weather, were sending a clear message to would be aggressors. Pick a nice day with cloudless skies and mill-pond calm seas, and you’ll get a bloody nose. Anything else and we’ll threaten to do horrible things to your industry’. Asked, what type of horrible thing? He replied; “like send Joe Hockey as an industry advisor, only took him two years and he closed manufacturing down. Don’t you tremble at the thought of what he could do on a broader global scale’?

Sailor inspects forward bidet on HMAS Merde.

‘These weapons represent the pinnacle of Australian forward strategic defence. And if that doesn’t work, we‘ll ask Donald to visit you, and you’ll have to buy an awful lot of really expensive military material that you don’t ever need. It’ll bankrupt you for generations. That’s the cost of being SAFE’.

The Minister then enthused about the first two submarines to be constructed as a joint venture with the French, Hmas Merde, and HMAS Toilette. ‘We can pretty much guarantee the same outcome. Submarines, that don’t work and will be hopelessly outdated, and cost trillions to manufacture. And beyond all that we’ve paid only a billion trillion for a highly developed French Border protection system’.

We wryly asked: ‘What is it called’?

The Minister beamed, “Maginot”.