Dear reader, it’s school holidays.
For those of you who have passed this phase of life, you are entitled to feel quite smug. And for those of you have avoided the entire construct altogether, you are so profoundly wealthy you would undoubtedly console yourself amongst your investment properties, share and tax havens and console yourself, “money well spent”. But for those of us with ‘Kids’, and wives, ex’s, de-facto’s, who beat you down and demand private education for these wastrels it just gets worse. Just when you think it’s safe to look above the parapet they’re demanding you take the brats somewhere! And it‘ll COST more money!! Worse still the cost just grows and grows, and if you can’t find a paddock and a tent to dump them in, you’re a gonner.
The preferred option for many parents. An oganised school holidays program.
Such is life! We then have no recourse, (as being with children constantly addles the brain), but to take a diversionary approach to the manifest responsibilities attendant upon maintaining the highest standards demanded by our readership. And in doing so, let you know how we publish things in this blog, So (dear reader) enjoy this rare insight and rest assured now that it comes to you not just as copy, but ‘Fresh off the Press”!
The day begins at ten to six. Information gleaned from the dailies is fed into our central resource Utilities depot, (CRUD). At 6.00 am the digested pieces, facts, news information and numerous editorials are prepared by our willing and esteemed stenographer, Ms, Virgellia Prune, and distilled into broad categories; Sport, Politics, the Environment, Law, and the miscellany topics of special interest so favoured amongst us all. Since the dismissal of Abbott, we’ve been at our wits end to maintain the “Bite” , and with the complete ossification of Rupert Murdoch, we fear that we may in the Australian body politic be entering a new dark age.
Still, there’s enough out there in the real world to keep our spirits up. After synthesis by Virginia Prune, the information is the passed to our senior editor, Mr Bertrand Fossil for an opinion piece directing us where to go for more detailed analysis and examination. From here the major issues falling into those aforementioned categories are pinned to a board. From this board the categories are colour coded, and the sub editor passes the responsibility of the final cut to our senior editor, Mr Cyril Cosgreave.. Mr Cosgreave then clears the room and selects from his desk three superb silver tipped darts, (ex Commonwealth Games) and attempts to “score a bullseye” on the piece that attracts his attention most. If he misses which invariably he does, he has another go, and eventually the target is ‘scored’. The piece is then placed inside our ‘editorial’ capsule and propelled, within its brass exoskeleton, (fed by vacuum tube) to the collating and cipher department on the fourteenth floor. From here, the message is removed, and the empty capsule sent back via drainpipe to the despatch department. This entire process takes minutes!!!
Senior Editor. Mr Cosgreave.
In the collating room, the basic typewritten message is then played out on a vibraphone, and the resultant cacaphonic melody translated into braille and then sung by our retired de-coder and soprano, Dame Myra Pitchfork. From this process we gain perfect variable pitch and then the piece you see before you is typed via enigma machine processed, de-coded again and then sent out of our offices for copy. And that’s how we do things here. We’re the envy of Rupert, and through such subterfuge keep one step ahead of his ‘Evil Empire”. It is our commitment to stand steadfast, rise above the sludge of mediocrity and maintain complete and absolute independence.
God save the Queen.