Dear reader, there’s a bold new initiative afoot in the desert centre. A first for contemporary education. It’s not Naplan. It’s not Gonski. And it’s not VCE approved. But what it is presents a brave new era for contemporary values, and a new start for the dissolute, the disaffected and the delinquent. Read on.
Yoonda College. “bring us your over- indulged, your bereft, your dysfunctional”
‘ Bring us your over-indulged, bereft and dysfunctional”
From the remote community at Yuendumu, comes a counter to ‘outmoded traditional values’. For those who choose to live in those outmoded fringes of the coastal cities and its vices of tribal law, alcohol, pornography and domestic violence, Yoonda college offers a opportunity, a life-line, a life changing scholarship to a very select group of over-indulged private school children. To lift them from the mire, and install a sense of pride within themselves and as leaders for their community. ‘These kids have everything and it’s destroying them, yet the don’t get the irony in that they have nothing. It’s a condition prevalent in this era of snap chat, reality television and 24-7shopping’ (Principal)
Here are some fragments of testimonials taken from the syllabus.
The School’s enshrining principle is matter of fact and to the point. ‘Yoonda will fast track your social and intellectually disssafected brats from the alienation that comes with having too much money. Being filthy rich and a slave to the market should not be a life sentence. Being smug, insular and complacent should not be the norm. Yoonda will rescue a few so that they, (the rest) may be freed. Freed from fear, insecurity and the curse of REAL ESTATE!
Yoonda’s “Centre for Learning and Leadership”
Experience; “wait long time” , 40,000 years experience. ‘Our syllabus has been going a long time, some 35,500 years longer than Eton, and you’re not required to wear a boater, fag, beat servants or assume the Prime Ministership on preference through a narrow peer-group alone’.
Naplan; Non Aboriginal persons learn about Nihilism. (NAPLAN) ‘A neo Naplan orientated program, designed to foster the individual within. To learn the strength of co-operation, communication and community through non metric nuanced activities that are truly meaningful’. Conversation, engagement, laughter and reciprocity.
Yoonda’s Physical Training and Personal Development Centre”
Socialisation; the establishment of non economic oriented relationships. “Some of the most tragic cases that come to us are individuals, (poor sods) who think that all transactions, physical, emotional and spiritual are just transactions. We had an awful time in readjustment, but in the end, the results speak for themselves. (Deputy Principal)
Drug and Alcohol awareness; Coping without alcohol, party drugs, crystal meth, coke. ‘Our drug dependence team has been hard a it developing a world first programme, designed to anchor the student without recourse to mind altering substances’.
Mental health; Coping by “sharing”. ‘Tragically some of the inductees have never ever experienced the joy of sharing, They are completely dysfunctional, we aim to bring back a sense of pride in being part of a community’.
2nd and 3rd home aversion therapy; Learn to cope without second or third home. ‘Some of our inductees cannot cope with the concept of not having a second or third home and servants. The process of making a cup of tea is alien to them. By addressing these deficiencies we give then inner strength and self reliance’.
Yoonda’s International best Standard Student Resource and Careers Centre”
Art; Art viewed as a non monetary object. ‘We indulge in art for arts sake. Once a piece is produced and admired it is left out in the rain and destroyed so that the spirit of the painting is forever fresh. In doing so we counter the fetish for property and over-ornamentation, so common amongst their ilk. And foster Imagination’.
Spiritual: Coping without the tribalism of Anglian, Catholic, Judaic, Muslim, and other deterministic, patriarchal religions. ‘There is often quite a bit of reluctance for the inducted to understand that the real spirit of country lies in the human and natural systems rather than an old retributional bearded bloke who’s totally hung up about sexuality and punishment.’
Giving; ‘We have an annual giving appeal designed to establish that giving is an end in itself. This is often the most tormenting part of the syllabus as the inductees expect to be rewarded for altruism and common decency with a grant, a title or an Order of Australia. Allowing them to see that such indulgences are “tokenistic’ represents the first small step into re-acquainting themselves with a basic humanity.
Outward bounds. Engage in the world beyond the classroom. ‘There is no classroom, country is the classroom. There are no boundaries, only those in the mind’.
And now for some testimonials from former students.
“I realise that there may be more to life than shopping” (Ashley Kelmscott-Crutchrot (yr 9)
‘The environment is like, rad, it’s amazing’, (Julian Whitworth- Whoppington yr 12)
‘It’s like, like I mean, It’s like I could live without my i phone, (Pugsley Pendlebury Purvis yr 9)
‘They taught me something profound. I’ll never forget! What is it’?, (Jasper Jarvid- Jupiter yr 11)
‘I even learnt to share, Like I let em use my iPhone for a selfie’, (of myself). (Elspeth Eloise Losengebotham yr 7)
‘It’s like now i’m off coke, there’s more meaning in my life, like Coke. It’s the real thing. really’, (Sebastian Stanley Stanhope Standpipe, yr 11)
‘Wow, and I learnt to do nothing all day, and it made me a better person’, (Kathryn Pryor -Palmer yr 10)
Enrolments are open for the 2016 year. And a limited scholarship available to your chronically over- indulged.