Dear reader, there is a parallel universe you know. Its existence had been proved. You see on the other side of the world they pass same-sex legislation with barely a flutter of an eyelid. In other countries, (we are told) on the other side of the world (even though they are not blessed with an abundance of natural resources), their electricity is cheap. Also, (and we have this on good authority), in other countries, they even go as far as to respect their citizenry as integral to the maintenance of a healthy body politic. And, (would you believe?) treat them with both respect and intelligence. Also we are told, they believe in equitable taxes, wealth distribution,and devote money, time and resources to anything other than housing as the sine-qua-non of a healthy economy.
Gladly no such thing exists here. We don’t go in for that sort of thing. We like to be insular, ‘take it up the choof’, and when asked will bend over so as to take it further. And when it comes to our esteeemed ally the U.S we’ll go that extra step and offer everything and the future too. We like it that way.
What we don’t like in this country is optimism and imagination. Cos we love old style religion. Religion that promises retribution, punishment and subjugation of the soul. And we like also to punish women, anyone whos not “right” and keep ourselves safe, secure and very very worried indeed. That’s why we welcome the next nuclear armageddon. It’ll set things right and get us back to when the world was proper. When you could stone women, and crucify heretics, etc..etc.. and get a tax break for doing so.
But just to let you know how it is over there, we bring you this brief despatch from Cecil, who’s swanning around the northern hemispehere. He writes;
“I just arrived in Toronto to be welcomed by Border Services rather than Border Force. Not a gun in sight and a warm welcome. Quite a contrast to Duttons Australia”.
To whit our sage of the near north Ira Maine replied;
The Minister would like to thank you for your report on the Canadian Border Services. However, at the same time, the Minister notices, with not a little regret that you obviously hadn’t noticed that precisely the same conditions exist at the Tolmie Border post*. The all female staff make one equally welcome and if one happens to arrive at a quiet time, other more personal services become available. That ladies passing through our borders might be equally well catered for is, even now under active consideration.
It is perhaps rather fortunate that the level of wild animals killed by traffic close to our border area does tend to provide more than enough meat for our welcoming table, at which, and for a modest fee, new arrivals are made famously welcome. Our Wombat a la Greque is something not to be missed. And as for our Possum Pie, laced with a smidgin of Cockatoo, or indeed our Echidna L’Orange well, the mind simply boggles.
We hope to see you here soon!
Office of the Tourism Minister,
(Deaths in custody? Let me make it perfectly clear. This is neither the time or the place for these discussions. What are you, anyway? A flaming’ Commo?’)
To whit we say there’s no hope for life on Mars, Uranus, or anywhere, the proof is in the Pudding. Pudding a la Dutton.
* Tolmie Border Post. Currently the objective of a Border Force investigation.